Sunday, May 16, 2010

Muhammad spotted in Lisle!

Some residents of Lisle claim to have seen ghostly apparitions of Muhammad ibn ‘Abdullāh, the founder of Islam.

Donna Z. Kaplan of Lisle, said she saw a water stain inside the Main Street underpass.

“It kind of looked like someone of Arab decent.” Said Kaplan. “So I assumed that it was Muhammad. Since I was getting disillusioned with the Catholic Church, I took it as a sign from God, I mean Allah.”

As she started to kneel and pray to the image. A man’s voice told her to stand up. She looked up and claims to have seen the translucent figure of Muhammad.

According to Kaplan, Muhammad said, “Don’t worship a water stain! Worship Allah, the all merciful and all powerful. It is from His mercy that we owe our existence. Besides, you don’t want my followers destroying this overpass. It looks OK for a morally decadent Western structure.”

Kaplan is in the process of converting to Islam, and is thankful for Muhammad’s guidance.

“To think that I almost converted to Islam because of a water stain. Thanks to the last prophet, I will convert to Islam because of the miracle of an illiterate man writing the holiest book of all!”

Another witness, who asked to be called Gabriel, said he saw Muhammad after recently converting to Islam.

“I wanted to join the Jihad against the cartoonist who draw unholy images of Muhammad.” Said Gabriel. “That is when the great prophet Muhammad appeared before me. He said that just as the children of the book should not impose their values on us, we not should force their values upon them. We should tax them instead. I never thought of it that way before.”

According to Gabriel, Allah has a plan for all sinners who refuse to submit to Him. When certain Muslims attack sinners, they are questioning His plan.

“I always said that Allah was merciful. I guess I didn’t know what that word meant until the last prophet explained it to me. Thanks Muhammad!”

Gabriel now insists that he will submit to local law as well as Islamic law.

Paula Q. Fly, a Lisle resident and photographer, said that Muhammad appeared before her and insisted that he take pictures.

“I was stunned. Then he explained that as long as the pictures were tasteful, and no one worshiped the photographs themselves, it would be fine.”

During the photo shoot, Fly interviewed Muhammad.

“I asked him why he required women to wear burkas. He replied that Allah only wanted to women to protect their modesty, and some of his followers take His request too far.”

Fly said that Muhammad seem like an “OK person” at first. When she asked about Aisha, whom he married when she was seven, her opinion soured.

“He said it was OK because she was his favorite wife. Then he said that it was OK back then, because times were different. He also said that at the time, Islam treated women well compared to other cultures at the time. I thought religious morals was supposed to be timeless. He said that wasn’t the case when it comes to women.”

When asked why Muhammad was appearing in Lisle, he replied that Allah was disappointed that DuPage County Zoning Board of Appeals rejected a planned Islamic center. Muhammad was hoping to educate residents about the real Islam.

“If more people decide to submit to Allah in the process, all the better.”

When asked to comment, Lisle Mayor Joe Broda made several unprintable comments before saying, “Don’t expect the village to guard your bureau office all the time. I can’t afford to hire more officers!”

The Downers Grove Islamic Advocacy Group released a statement saying that if The Babbler ran this article, they would gather all copies, add “Ali” after Muhammad’s name, and draw boxing gloves on any depictions of Muhammad.

Also in The Babbler:

‘Babies’ is the number one movie in the Milky Way
Chicago Skeptics honor Anti-psychic Kitty
Bolingbrook Animal Control officers get werecat training
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

2 comments:

Brian_E said...

I plan on having the kids draw Mohammad all over our driveway in sidewalk chalk this Thursday for draw Mohammad day. He's gonna look great with a pink beard!

Naperville Lawyer said...

Haha, hilarious article and great "ghost" photo! I dig it.