Sunday, May 2, 2010

Miraculous images of Bonnie appear in Bolingbrook

Residents around Bolingbrook are seeing “miraculous” images of former mayoral candidate Bonnie Alicea.

“After the rain, I saw a puddle of water that looked just like Bonnie!” Said Donald Burge. “It was a sign that Bonnie is returning to deliver us from Roger’s evil budget!”

David Gilbert used to be an atheist until he looked at Twitter last Friday.

The Friendly Atheist said he had a swollen ankle. I looked at the picture, and I saw Bonnie’s face in his wounded ankle! I now believe in the divine power of Bonnie, and  I’m praying for her to forgive me for voting for Roger!”

Donna Z. Markos, claims she saw a vision of Alicea in a restaurant.

“I was eating breakfast, when I heard a voice say, ‘I don’t know, I really don’t know.’ I looked up and saw Bonnie! Sitting in a booth, just as real as you and me.”

Markos then got down on her knees and exclaimed, “Come back, and save us from the evil that is Roger Claar’s budget cuts!” Before Alicea could reply, Markos stood up, and “filled with the spirit of Bonnie,” ran outside.

Another resident, who asked to be called Bruce, claimed that Bonnie came to him in a dream. In the dream, a man with a laptop floated over his bed.

“He started reading from the laptop, ‘Behold! The glory that is--’ Then he clicked on his laptop a few times. Then he continued, ‘Bonnie!’”

Bonnie appeared in burst of light, according to Bruce.

“She said that she was going to pass judgment on Bolingbrook, and only those who begged for her return would be saved. As proof of her powers, she cured me of snoring. I didn’t know I snored!”

Sherry X. Muler, host of the skeptical podcast, “I’m Cute and You’re Stupid,” offered an alternative explanation.

“This is just a case of politically induced Pareidolia. Obviously many Bolingbrook residents have been through the trauma of budget cuts. So they’re looking for a savior, and are subconsciously turning random patterns into images of Bonnie. This will go away once people realize they can hire security guards to protect their homes, and don’t need police officers.”

Alicea moved to Florida last year after claiming she was defamed by Mayor Roger Claar and Trustee Michael Lawler. According to the minutes from July 28, 2009 Village Board meeting, Lawler commented about the death of Valley View School Board member Debbie Bielawski. Lawler said that their call for Bielawski’s resignation upset her, and may have contributed to her stroke and eventual death. Claar added, according to the minutes that Bielawski was never his “puppet” and, as paraphrased in the minutes, “the unwarranted personal attacks being leveled toward people by this group were pretty disgusting.”

Alicea responded on the CFBB web page that she had never commented on Bielawski’s situation, and was only a spokesperson for CFBB. 

In March of 2010, she filed a defamation lawsuit against the Village of Bolingbrook. In her lawsuit, Alicea says she was harassed and called a “loser killer” by some bar patrons.

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I’d like to say that she could save the village money by ending her frivolous lawsuit, but my lawyer says I can’t comment. So no comment.”

According to The Brook Report, Alicea was in Bolingbrook this past weekend, though she was not seen by any Babbler staff members.

When e-mailed for a comment, a spokesperson replied, “During her current term as the mayor of Florida's Little Bolingbrook neighborhood, she has never raised taxes, never imposed a property tax, never built a elaborate golf club with public funds, and has never run a budget deficit. If she is appointed Mayor of Bolingbrook as part of a settlement, I’m sure she would be happy to solve Bolingbrook’s problems! She will also offer amnesty to those who renounce Roger!”

Also in The Babbler:

God curses The Friendly Atheist
Chicago feminist: Feminism a casualty of Boobquake!
Experts: ‘Mount Bolingbrook’ in no danger of exploding
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/13/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Bolingbrook French Teacher said...

It is amazing what you can learn from tea leaves in Bolingbrook if you squint just the right way, ;-)