Sunday, May 23, 2010

Alien brings billion dollar psychic challenge to Chicago area

By Reporter X

Deep inside Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, famed skeptic and magician James Randi walked into a meeting room. He sets up a stand and places a top hat on it. Then he reaches into the hat and pulls out a rabbit.

“Now you’ve just made three assumptions,” said Randi, “and they’re wrong. First, this is not a hat, this is a tesseract. Second, this is not a rabbit, this is a Centauri fur ball. Third, I’m not James Randi.” He then changed into a seven foot tall alien. “I’m Dischum, the Amazing Epsilon Magician.”

Dischum will be in the Chicago area this week to administer his billion challenge to humans who claim to have paranormal powers. Each night, Dischum will abduct applicants for his prize, and then demand that the applicants immediately demonstrate their power.

“I lack the patience most human skeptical organizations have.” Said Dischum. “They, in my opinion, waste too much time working out the terms of their tests. All the while, the subject makes a public spectacle about how ‘unfair’ the skeptics are. My advance technology allows me easily detect cheating. All I have to do is abduct them and say, ‘Show me your woo.’”

Dischum says became a skeptic over thirty years ago. At the time, he was serving as an implant assistant on board a spaceship. After abducting James Randi, Dischum said he struck up a conversation with him.

“Randi told me about his skeptical activism. As we talked, he impressed me with all that he was doing to fight con-artists and bring enlightenment to his species. Here I was sticking probes into aliens' private parts. I then realized that I was on the wrong life path?”

That meeting changed both of their lives, said Dischum.

“Randi said he was going to stop drinking because it was giving strange dreams. I was inspired to become a skeptical activist!”

After the mission, Dischum became a magician, and sold the patent for what would eventually become the smartphone to the New World Order. He used the money to fund his billion dollar challenge.

Dischum invited this reporter to observe two challenges. At the start of the first challenge, Dischum approached a man secured in an examination chair.

“You say you have the power to fire energy beams from your eyes.” Said Dischum.
“Yes!” Said the man. “In fact, a CAT Scan showed a 0.01 anomaly in my head which suggests--”

“My sensors show nothing!” Dischum then held up a sheet of metal. “Fire your beam at this. It can detect any form of energy.”

“My beam cannot affect nor be detected by almost anything in the universe.”

“Then what is it good for?”

“I can put on a pair of goggles which are plugged into a computer. When I fire my beam and move my finger at the same time, the computer will beep. If you will bring my goggles--”

“Tell me how to build these goggles?”

“I don’t know how. The aliens from AlphaBeta 5 told me how--”

“They haven’t even discovered fire yet!”

“That’s what they want you to think--”

“You will fire a beam of energy into this sheet or Sagan, my invisible heatless fire-breathing dragon, will bite your head off!”

The second test started with a man standing against a wall of an empty room. Dischum is standing on the other side of the room.

“You practice applied kinesiology?”

“Um, yes.”

Are you holding your two HEO bracelets and are they working?”

“Yes.”

The floor between the two beings retracted except for small metal beam. Below is a several thousand foot drop to Earth.

“Walk across this beam and I will give you a billion dollars.” Commanded Dischum

The man lightened up. “I thought this was going to be hard.” He confidently started his trek across the beam. “I will use quantum mechanics to harness the balancing effect of dark energy and--”

The man slipped and screamed as he started his plunge.

Dischum shook his head. “This went almost as bad as the Sylvia Browne test did.” He continued to watch the man fall. When asked if he would rescue him, Dischum replied, “Later. I want to give him more time to reconsider his life path.”

Critics accuse Dischum of being too harsh on applicants and failing to take their special needs into account.

Said Carlos K. Hernandez, “I can’t help it if my telekinesis requires a metal object, a covered metal table, and proximity to an electrical outlet to work! He was unfair!”

When ask why he administers this challenge on humans, Dischum says he is answering a higher calling.

“The human DJ Grothie says that protecting people from scammers is a humanism. I agree and add that helping aliens overcome their woo overlords is an episolnism as well.”

When asked to comment, Grothie replied, “So you believe that there is an alien magician who is abducting people to test their supernatural claims? And he’ll pay them a billion dollars if they pass his tests?” He paused for several seconds. “There is no good reason to continue this conversation.”

Also in The Babbler:

Skepchick Elyse: My daughter is 100% natural
Valley View School Board loses “Best partying governing body” contest
Chicago Boobquake only breaks one glass
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/26/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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