Friday, April 23, 2010

Web Exclusive: Skepchick will attempt to break an interplanetary record at Clow UFO base

By Reporter X

Controversial Skepchick Elyse will be falling to Earth next month. Literally.

In a press conference at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base, Elyse announced that she would attempt to set the record for the longest sub-orbital free fall while pregnant. She told the gathered alien reporters that on May 1, a Venusian spacecraft will take her 500,000 feet above Clow. Wearing a specially designed antigravity suit, she will then jump out fall to Earth at supersonic speeds. If the suit works, it will then gradually decelerate her fall, allowing her to land safely.

“A pregnant woman falling from space? What the (Expletive Deleted)? No! Women Thinking Free!”

According to Elyse, the jump is a publicity stunt for her nonprofit organization, Women Thinking Free Foundation. The recently formed foundation’s goal is to educate the public about science, “fake science”, and “critical thinking” about issues of interest to women.

Supporters of the foundation say it supports such worthy causes like Skepchicamp, Skepchicon, a lecture series, and a top secret project to be announced at The Amazing Meeting.

Critics say the group promotion of “critical thinking” will lead women to doubt their intuition, vaccinate their children, spend less on beauty products, and move to another country.

When asked how safe her record attempt would be, she replied, “If something goes wrong, I’ve been assured that Clow’s medical staff can put both of us back together without any problems.  Their doctors are awesome!”

While preparing for her stunt, Elyse met with representatives from dozens of alien races.

“I haven’t made this many friends since the last TAM Skepchick party,” Said Elyse. “I found out that the  galaxy is full of skeptical aliens. They want to reveal their vast knowledge to us, but they’re afraid to because so many humans believe in woo. Skeptics are doing a great job bringing rational thinking to the male population. Women Thinking Free wants to make sure women aren’t left behind. We want men and women to experience the still more glorious dawn that awaits us.”

Oliv Norla, the captain of the Venusian star ship that will carry Elyse, said she was impressed with her hard work and dedication.

“If no one will give her a medal for starting a nonprofit foundation while pregnant, then the least I can do is help her set an interplanetary record. Women Thinking Free!"

According to The Phobos Beer Foundation, the current human record for a freefall while pregnant is 10,000 feet. The overall record for free falling over Earth while pregnant is 75,000 feet. Ki Bacca from Proxima Centauri inadvertently set the record when her partner ejected her from their spacecraft. She also set the solar system record for greatest distance fallen without injury, and the largest divorce settlement in the history of Milky Way galaxy.

Jona Swko set interplanetary record for the longest free fall ever, 40,000 miles over Jupiter, before its tracking device failed. Swko was filming a commercial for the Jovian Tourist Board when his antigravity device failed. Some experts say it may have still have been alive when it crashed into the planet’s core.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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