Sunday, April 11, 2010

Prehistoric computers recovered from Whalon Lake reveal global cooling debate

By Reporter X

Information found on prehistoric computers recently excavated from Lake Whalon show prehistoric humans debating global cooling 19,000 years ago.

“This is the greatest discovery since we unearthed a prehistoric skyscraper at the Elmhurst-Chicago Stone Company Quarry in Bolingbrook.” Said John, a source at Will County Office of Covert Archeology. “I told them we shouldn’t have flooded the dig site. There were still amazing finds.

According to alternative anthropologists, a technologically advanced city stood at the site of what is now Bolingbrook. At it’s peak, the city, probably called Tauago, had an estimated population of about 500,000 and the equivalent of 1990s era technology. The anthropologists say the area has been secretly excavated since the 1980s. They also claim that Will County uses alien cloaking devices to conceal the ancient buildings from the public.

According to John, very little was know about the actual inhabitants of Tauago. Until three years ago, it was believed the residents were an unknown species of humans know as “Bolingbrook Man.” Now scientists know that the residents were Homo Sapiens.

“Most of their writings were on paper, which has faded away, and computers, many of which were destroyed when the glaciers buried the city.”

Don, who asked that we not use his real name, claims to be an expert in prehistoric computers. He says the recovered computers were servers used for a computer bulletin board. Once they were able to crack the passwords, Don said the computer was filled with posts about global cooling.

According to Don, the city was part of a larger pre-Clovis civilization. While the city’s economy was carbon based, like modern society, the larger civilization was based on intelligent plants. It also appears that Tauago was created in a desperate reverse global cooling.

“You read the posts, and you see people wondering if their reliance on plants was removing so much C02 that it was causing the world to cool.” Said Don.

Don provided printouts of some of the posts. One poster described the dire consequences of not switching to a carbon based economy.

“If we don’t change our ways, the Earth will become covered in ice, and slip off the world turtle!” Said user BerryMan.

Sheconomist offered a counterpoint. “Cities are expensive. We have to dig a few inches to get oil, and then we have to collect the burning rocks. It would hurt the economy to move away from plants. We don’t fully understand the special scrolls, so it could be that the ice won’t overtake us. It’s better to risk our civilization than to risk our economy. People come and go, but markets are forever!”

There were also posts questioning whether the glaciers were advancing at all.

“Sure the glaciers had their fastest advance over the last ten years.” Said Hothead. “But last year they retreated a few feet! That means global warming has started, and we should behead the freeze advocates!”

Some offered religious objections. “The goddess would never let us freeze to death. The end will come when the world turtle dies and drowns us all in the great sea.”

The BBSes also had video files. While some dealt with the debate over global cooling, most were of females kicking each other near the groin.

“This prehistoric culture was dominated by females.” Said John. “They would kick themselves near the groin to show their superiority. If men wanted to be taken seriously, they would have to let someone kick them in their private parts. We believe this genetic memory is reason so many men like to be kicked in the balls, and upload the video to YouTube.”

Alternative anthropologists believe that after the glaciers overtook Tauago, the former residents and the plant civilization migrated south. Unfortunately, the soil further south couldn’t support their plants. The starving plants, in an act of desperation, consumed all the humans, before shriveling up and disintegrating.

John says Will County is considering funding more underwater expeditions at Whalon Lake. He doesn’t know when scientists will reveal Tauago's ruins to the public.

“It’s bad enough that people don’t accept evolution.” Said John. “Imagine trying to tell them that Native Americans didn’t always live in harmony with the environment, and that humans can change the climate. Imagine the uproar!”

Also in The Babbler:

Downers Grove man chooses Farmville over Playboy model
Chicago teen arrested for trying to hack ‘Reality Matrix’
Aliens: Universe is not inside a black hole
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/20/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: