Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Mayor Claar to Clow aliens: No one will suffocate!

By Reporter X

Despite cutting funding for life support systems at Clow UFO Base, Mayor Roger Claar assured an angry crowd of aliens that they would be safe.

“No one is going to suffocate!” Exclaimed Claar over the jeers and screams of the crowd.

Claar made the announcement at the last village covert operations budget meeting. Most of the 100 aliens in the audience either live in Clow’s Special Environmental Needs section, or know beings who do. SEN is for beings that cannot breath Earth’s air. For many, this is the only place at Clow where they can walk around without environmental suits.

According to Clow’s administrator, who spoke over Skype and had his voice scrambled to protect his identity, Clow hires contractors to create “premium” versions of the aliens’ home world atmospheres. The administrator explained that by switching to lower quality gases, Clow could save money while still providing a breathable environment for all of its alien residents.

“To paraphrase President Obama,” Said Claar, “you’ve been breathing Cadillac air, and now you’re going to have breath Toyota air until we get out of this budget mess.  Either way, it's still breathable air.”


This and other budget cuts next fiscal year are the largest in the history of Clow UFO base. Claar blamed Earth’s recession, and the current galactic depression for Clow’s declining revenue. Holding up an iPad, Claar added, “Even though we get a portion of the iPad’s interstellar royalties, it won’t be enough to replenish our reserve funds.”

RoBecku, one the residents of SEN, urged Claar to reconsider the funding cut for alien atmospheres.

“If you think air quality doesn’t matter,” Said Robecku, “try doing your job on a mountain peak without oxygen, or in the middle of Chinese smog alert! Cut off anything else, but don’t cutoff our air!”

The next speaker, Juknock, identified herself as a member of The Number Crunchers’ Extraterrestrial Team.

“You guys are everywhere!” Exclaimed Claar.

Juknock suggested that the budget panel cut the entertainment budget instead of the life support budget. Claar told Juknock to review Clow’s history.

“Look at the 1950s!” Said Claar. “The first alien visitors were so bored that they used to sneak into the cornfields and make crop squares. Even when adjusted for inflation, the original administrators of Clow spent more on covering up those hijinks than we do hosting tasteful interstellar swimsuit competitions. If you’re going to travel thousands of light years to be here, we’re going to make it worth your time!”

He then added that the cuts would not be limited to the life support system.

“At every level, we have made cuts.’ Said Claar. “This will be the first time in 15 years I won’t go ice fishing on Europa.”

When Juknock pointed out that most of the money saved through the cuts would go to Clow Airport, Claar defended that decision.

“It’s not easy hosting an urban UFO base. The airport makes our job possible. It’s easy to justify low lights over Bolingbrook by saying they’re airplanes landing or taking off. How could we justify all the UFO traffic we have if the airport was converted into a housing subdivision? We’d either have to drug the entire subdivision every time a craft had to land, or every fifteen minutes, I would have walk over there and try to distract the residents while a craft landed or took off.”

He also added that he promised the residents that Clow would turn a profit this year, If Clow turns a profit on its own, Claar said the money would then go towards paying off Bolingbrook’s outstanding bonds.

“None of the money will go directly towards the Golf Club.”

After the crowd roared in protest, Claar passionately defended the decision.

“If Bolingbrook falls into financial ruin, Naperville will regain control of the UFO base. They’re not even sure if they want to fully fund Ribfest. Do you think they’re going to fund your life support systems?”

Claar then added why he wouldn’t cut funding for The Men in Blue program.

“With the reductions in the police and fire departments, The Men in Blue will be assisting those departments to maintain the level of services they current provide. Some people think I would endanger Bolingbrook. Don’t listen to their crazy Internet rants!”

Claar then interrupted Juknock. “I know what you’re going to ask. My actions have been thoroughly reviewed by my team of lawyers, and I’ve consulted with Federal and international officials. This all perfectly legal.” Claar then turned to one of his lawyers and asked, “How much sleep have you had this week?”

“Sleep?” Replied the lawyer.

“That’s what I like to hear.”

Clow officials and The New World Order will approve the final budget within the next two weeks.

After the meeting, Rivlyse, owner of a cargo ship, said he was disappointed with the budget cuts.

“This means if we want good breathable air, we’ll have to bring our own. This increases my fuel costs, and cuts down on the amount of profitable cargo I can carry. All these budgets savings are going to cost me a fortune!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: