Friday, April 9, 2010

From the UK: ‘Yanks infiltrate parliamentary elections!’

The Babbler is proud to print another article from our UK sister publication, The Greater Manchester Mumbler. Because of the UK’s strict libel laws, they cannot run this article in their print edition. Help them out by going to the UK Libel Reform Campaign website.

Over a month after the public learned that some Troy candidates received political training in the US, some now suspect that there are parliamentary candidates who are really US citizens.

Donna Parker of Nottingham claims that she saw a young Tory candidate acting strangely at a pub.

“He kept saying, ‘bloody’ this and ‘bloody’ that.” Said Parker. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear that he was some American bloke who was pretending to be British. Well, sir, if you’re going to pretend to be British, you’d better bloody well know more words than ‘bloody!’”

William Hannan of Manchester, claims that he heard a Labour candidate said something quite peculiar.

“I overheard the man talking to a football fan.” Said Hannan. “When he said that he was of fan of Manchester United Soccer, I nearly choked on my beer! Who the bloody hell calls football soccer? Only a Yank would say that.”

Hannan then added that he heard the candidate say he was “pissed” with the Tories.

“Not ‘pissed off.’ Pissed. Why would he be drunk with the Conservative Party?”

Jill Hunter, of Dunwich, claims that he heard an odd speech by Lib Dem candidate Charles Reed.

According to Hunter, Reed started by saying that he was a proud “Brit” who believed in “Baseball--” He stopped himself, then said, “I meant Cricket, Shepherd's Pie--” An advisor then whispered into his ear. Several seconds later, Reed said, “Some people say the Lib Dems are too open when it comes to border security. I say we can all agree that radical Islamists suck!”

“Everyone said, ‘Here! Here!’” Said Hunter. “Still, I couldn’t help but think that something was off."

When asked to comment, Michael Steele, the Chairman of the US Republican party, denied that members of his party were secretly running for office in the UK. He added, “We like to wear baseball caps. You like to wear cricket hats. As long as you cover your head, you can be where it’s at. Why are you looking at me like that?”

As for Reed, who spoke to us while waiting for his “new image consultant,” he insists he is British citizen.

“I studied a bit in the States.” Said Reed. “So some of it rubbed off. But I’m hoping that this meeting will get me back on track.”

Suddenly, this reporter heard the sound of a door opening in the background.

A woman exclaimed, “Oh my God! Look at you! You look like you’re still wearing your school uniform. And your web site says you have no experience. Don’t you know what DC Turner, a soon to be famous director, is saying about your party. ‘Lib Dems! Time for change! Pee-yew!’ We have so little time before the May election to make you look mature and knowledgeable!”

When Reed mentioned that he was finishing a phone interview, the women asked, in horror, if he was talking to “The Daily Fail.” When he replied that he was talking to The Mumbler, she screamed “Oh my God!” and apparently grabbed the phone.

“Don’t even think of running this interview.” She yelled. “Or my marketing firm will destroy you!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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