Monday, April 5, 2010

Eight hospitalized following pro-Navistar rally in Lisle

Eight people were hospitalized for Carbon Monoxide exposure following a pro-Navistar rally in Lisle. The demonstrators hoped to show critics of the proposed vehicle testing facility that diesel fumes are safe.

“I was sick of those whiners saying that the proposed testing facility in Lisle is dangerous.” Said Chad, one of the hospitalized demonstrators. “I don’t hear them complaining about the Reagan Tollway running through Lisle, or all the gas stations that have diesel pumps.”

The “spontaneous rally” was held grounds of the former Lucent Technologies headquarters. Participants want the Village of Lisle to approve the sale of the building to Navistar and provide tax incentives to reward Navistar for moving their headquarters to Lisle.

At the climax of the rally, the eight individuals stepped into a glass cube containing a diesel engine. They turned on the engine, and hoped that by emerging from the box unharmed, they would silence opponents of the proposed sale.

Instead, the eight people began to complain about headaches and nausea. Still they vowed to press on.

“I read a post on the Internet that said diesel fumes can’t kill.” Said Doug, who refused to provide his last name. “So I told everyone in the box to hold on. The future of Lisle depends on us standing up to those people.”

Minutes later, Lisle police officers arrived. Officer Ellen X. Carmichael was horrified by the sight of the box.

“Their ignorance was stunning.” Said Carmichael. “Sure diesel engines emit less CO than gas engines. But as the ratio of CO to oxygen increases, it can become deadly. Those fools only had minutes left to live.”

Carmichael and her fellow officers used tasers to clear a path to the glass box, and then shattered the door with their batons. EMTs then rushed the eight demonstrators to the hospital where they were treated for CO exposure.

“I reread that Internet post.” Said Doug. “It went on to state that the Holocaust never happened because diesel engines can’t kill. Since we almost died, I guess I should be more careful before planning stunts like this.”

At the beginning of the rally, about twenty people gathered on the Lucent grounds to hear pro-Navistar speakers.

“It was great.” Said Paul K. Normal of Westmont. “The speakers were awesome, and two well dressed men handed out signs with patriotic spellings. I didn’t know you could also spell terrorism “trrorism.”

One of the speakers tried to draw connections between opponents of the Navistar proposal and outside organizations.

“The idea that the state should control private property is, wait for it, communist. People who want to undermine a major defense contractor are, wait for it, communist! One of the outspoken opponents of Navistar’s move is from, wait for it, a communist country!”

The Lisle police department refused to comment for this article. When this reporter call Mayor Joe Broda’s office, the receptionist said he was busy. In the background, a person who sounded like Broda said, “What does this have to do with vaccines? Can you cure all of Giant Steps’ students? That’s the question, Jenny.”

Navistar officials, who would not be identify themselves, insisted that they had nothing to do with the protest.

Also in The Babbler:

Scientist: Water turning everyone into women
Chicago Judge: First Amendment doesn’t protest public urination!
Mayor Claar: Who is James Randi, and what did he come out of?
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/17/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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