Sunday, April 25, 2010

Bolingbrook officials prepare for ‘slight possibility’ of massive global earthquake!

Bolingbrook officials are preparing for the “slight possibility” of a worldwide earthquake occurring this week.

“The Department of Homeland Security says a country hostile to US interests is preparing for such an earthquake.” Said Ellen, a source in Bolingbrook’s Department of Disaster Management. “If there’s even a one precent chance that such a quake will strike, we have to be prepared. The residents are counting us!”

According to Ellen, the global super-quake is expected to occur between Monday and Saturday.

“We think there will be an event on Monday,” said Ellen. “While this event will trigger the quake, The actual quake might not occur until later in the week. Like a parent that gets upset at first, and then explodes later on. The Earth might do that. Just using a metaphor of course.”

Adam, a member of the Bolingbrook Police Department who wouldn’t say his last name, said he overheard a lieutenant tell some off-duty officers to “be ready” on Monday.

“Why would he tell them to be ready?” Said Adam. “I think something big is going to happen this week!”

Steve, a member of the Department of Information Technology, said that increased activity on the Internet concerns village officials.

“We’re seeing a lot of ‘buzz’ about Monday.” Said Steve. “It seems to have started in East Asia, and now it's in the Western World. There is something going on, and it could be earthquake related. To be safe, we’re preparing for a massive earthquake.”

The sources agree that a global earthquake would be a major disaster. Along with property damage, the quake could also lead to a “temporary to permanent” collapse of human civilization. Many communities would be forced to fend for themselves for months or years. They also concede that the survivors of the disaster would be more likely to have their religious faith strengthened by the event.

Of course, sources in the Chicago skeptical community offer an alternative explanation. According to skeptics who refused to be directly quoted, there won’t an earthquake Monday, but a “Boobquake.” The event, which has over 160,000 participants listed on Facebook, is a protest of Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi’s comment that, "Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

A blogger named Blog Hag asked women around the world to wear either their most cleavage revealing outfits, or their shortest shorts on that day in protest. Her blog posts imply that she believes global seismic activity will be normal on Monday.

In case she’s wrong, our sources say Bolingbrook is prepared.

“The United States may not exist after this week, but Bolingbrook will prevail!” Said Ellen. “Let me also assure residents that in the new order, should it come about, Roger will offer amnesty to his critics in exchange for their silence and hard work.” Ellen added that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will be in a safe place, but not the command center located under the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I’m not saying that, 'B' word!” You’re trying to trick me into saying something pornographic!”

Also in The Babbler:

Pirate zombie spotted near downtown Chicago
Aliens barred from CFI Chicago conference
Arizona officials deny they will consider all Bolingbrook residents space aliens
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/1/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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