Saturday, March 13, 2010

Web Exclusive! Pet psychics dispute dog autism claims

(Note: This a joint article between The Bolingbrook Babbler and The Manchester Mumbler.)

Pet psychics in the Manchester, UK, and Bolingbrook, IL are disputing a Daily Mail article that claims canine vaccines cause autism. The article consists mostly of an interview with the founder of the group Canine Health Concern.

“Utter rubbish.” Said Veronica Willow of Greater Manchester, a pet psychic for 20 years. “I have spoken with hundreds of vaccinated dogs. They are some of the most articulate creatures on Earth. It angers me that their human companions now think they have autism. It makes them question my powers!”

Amber I. Dawn, a practicing pet psychic in Naperville, IL, is especially angry.

“I’m helping a client’s dog write a novel.” Said Dawn. “After my client read the Daily Mail article, he accused me of being a fraud!”

Dawn insists that her client’s dog is not autistic. “How could he be? He’s writing the next great American novel!”

Willow says that humans are simply misunderstanding normal canine behavior. “Some times a dog will bite because their owners will miss the obvious signals. It’s not because they’re in their own world. It’s because they see the world differently than we do. They have a very unique culture. We could learn a lot from dogs.”

Bolingbrook’s Anti-psychic Kitty, the most skeptical creature on Earth, is critical of Canine Health Concern’s recommended treatments.

“Any group that recommends giving water over medicine to a sick animal should be banned.” Said Anti-psychic Kitty through a facilitated communicator. “I couldn’t do that a dog, and that’s saying something!”

Cynthia Z. Rizzo, who claims to be a member of CHC, says the psychics are full of it. “My dog was so cute as a puppy. Now he bites if I touch his tail. I know it’s autism, and my phony psychic didn’t see sense it.”

Most of the veterinarians contacted for the article laughed and refused to be interviewed. One, who asked not to be named, says that while some vaccines may not need to be administered as often as required by law, they do not cause autism.

They don’t cause autism in humans, and there’s no bloody reason why they cause it in dogs!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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