Sunday, March 28, 2010

Bolingbrook police warn residents not to ‘Kick-Ass’

Bolingbrook police are warning residents not to emulate the hero of the upcoming movie, “Kick-Ass.”

“It doesn’t make a difference if you wear a mask and brightly colored costume,” Said police spokesperson Carlyle Z. Matthews, “Vigilantism is illegal in Illinois.”

In the movie, the teenage main character decides to dress up as comic book hero and fight crime. Though the character is repeatedly beaten up, sources say that the Bolingbrook Police fear that, “Unstable or impressionable residents” might be inspired to become costumed vigilantes.

The sources say that officers will address Bolingbrook's students to educate them about the importance of only letting the police fight crime.

“We need to stress the lesson of ‘The Dark Knight.’” Said an officer who asked not to be identified. “You don’t fight crime by putting on a mask. You fight crime by trusting the police force!”

Officer Dan, who would not reveal his real name, expressed concern about amateurs trying to fight criminals. “It’s not as simple as tasering a rude person, or softening up a criminal when no one is videotaping. Not that we do that, mind you.  The law says you have to treat criminal scum as ‘suspects.’ If you don’t understand the law, a guilty person could be released on a technicality. Also, good and evil are not clear cut in the real world. Someone could decide to become Brook Report Man. Another person could become Super Topix User. They would hate each other, but which one is really the bad guy?”

Other sources say that all Bolingbrook officers will be reminded not to dress up as vigilantes and fight crime during their off-hours.

“Since a certain police officer left the force,” Said Mattews, “we’ve worked hard to reenforce the trust of our residents. If they find out that an officer is running around in a mask and colorful long underwear, it will make them question the integrity of our legal system.”

Matthews conceded that other cities have real life costumed vigilantes.

“But ‘Kick-Ass’ will make people think that if a little girl can use Gun Kata, then they can too. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want our daughters trying to emulate Hit Girl. Her foul language is bad enough!”

A source, named Steve, said that Mayor Roger Claar is also concerned about the impact ‘Kick Ass’ will have on Bolingbrook’s economy.

“He said, ‘Steve, if I’m showing a company president around Bolingbrook, and some costumed freak runs up to us, how would it make us look? If that freak says that he fights crime, that president will then question the competence of our police force. Then he’ll wonder how safe his employees will be because he’ll think crime is so bad that we need masked men in capes to help us. That’s not true! Our crime rate declined from 2005 to 2008. Thanks to that costumed individual, that president will run away from Bolingbrook, and we will lose out on his jobs!’”

Steve also said that Claar made a very good point during a meeting with the other trustees. “He said, ‘If we don’t stop these costumed freaks, it will lead to an arms race. First we get the costumed vigilantes. Then the criminals get their own costumed freaks. Then both sides will try to be the first to get super powers. Eventually both sides will gain super powers. Next thing you know, it’ll be World War Hulk outside!’ The trustees were stunned, but Roger said, ‘My wife works with at risk youth! I have to help her keep up with what’s going on in the comic book world!”

When this reporter called the Mayor’s office, the receptionist told Claar that he had calls waiting from The Babbler, The Brook Report, and The Number Crunchers.

“I don’t want to speak to any of them.” Said Claar. “Just pick the one you want to forward to me. I leave it entirely in your hands. *”

* See “Watchmen”, Chapter 12.

Also in The Babbler:

Podcaster tries to impress Mayor Claar
Sources say Skepchick Elyse could be 100 feet tall by May
Man sees image of Ayn Rand at Tailgaters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Naperville Contractor Guy said...

That movie looks pretty funny :)