Sunday, March 14, 2010

Andy’s Custard brings peace between Naperville and Russia

Sources say Naperville and Russian officials signed a peace treaty at the Bolingbrook Andy’s Custard.

An employee, who asked to be called Donald, said that the store was about to close when the phone rang.

“It was kind of unusual since we usually don’t get calls this late.” Said Donald. “So I answered the phone. This guy said we needed to stay open because he had an emergency.”

Donald told the man that they were closing.

According to Donald, the man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I am the mayor of Bolingbrook! My guests need frozen custard now. It is literally a matter of life and death!”

Donald handed the phone to his manager. The manager confirmed that it was Mayor Roger Claar and told him they would stay open.

Carl, another employee, was taking orders from the drive through.

“I thought we were just doing a favor for one of Roger’s friends.” Said Carl. “When I saw the motorcycles, the three black SUVs, and the black helicopters, I figured this was something extraordinary.”

When the second SUV pulled up, Carl claims he overheard a conversation.

“One guy said something about canceling a celebration for Evan Lysacek. Someone replied, ‘We’re Naperville. We have a reputation to uphold. We don’t ignore our famous residents!’ I was stunned.”

The vehicles pull into the parking lot and the helicopters continued to circle Andy’s. Ten minutes, Claar stepped out of one of the SUVs and entered Andy’s.

Both sources say Claar thanked the staff for staying open late. Claar explained that Russia was on the verge of invading Naperville over Lysacek’s controversial Olympic Gold Medal. During the negotiations, the Russian ambassador wanted to eat frozen custard. Claar said that the ambassador was so impressed with his shake, that he couldn’t order an invasion.

“Thanks to your fine food, all of you have prevented World War III.” Claar allegedly said.

The staff claims that Claar told them to wait while he went outside. A few minutes later, he came back, holding a cell phone. According to the staff, Claar said he had a special announcement for them.

From the phone speaker, a man’s voice said, “Now I can’t tell the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce how to vote. But I’m sure that after hearing your inspirational story, I’m sure my fellow members will vote you the best restaurant of 2010.”

A few weeks later, Andy’s won the Best Restaurant and Retail award.

“We may not have indoor seating.” Said Donald, “But our frozen custard prevented a war. So I’m honored we won. Even if we can only tell The Babbler what really happened, it was worth it.”

When reached for comment, Naperville Mayor George Pradel said, “Oh it’s you guys again. Tell Roger I said hi.” He then hung up the phone.

When this reporter tried to reach Claar, a village staff member said he was busy.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “See! There’s a coded message in The Babbler! Look at this page. There’s an ad for Tang. There’s an ad for Vodka, and an ad for a book about ancient astronauts. They’re on the same page as an article about me! I do not drink Buzzed Aldrins!”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago skeptic: I’m cute and you’re stupid
Aliens laugh at homeopathic practitioner
Lisle mayor denies plans to ban diesel in Lisle
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/21/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Brian_E said...

Andy's Custards is clearly a collaborative project between the aliens of Clow Airport and Mayor Claar. The Mayor allows them use of the UFO base in exchange for galactically fantastic desert products. It's no coincidence that Andy's is that close to Clow - there's probably an underground tunnel connecting the two.