Sunday, March 28, 2010

Bolingbrook police warn residents not to ‘Kick-Ass’

Bolingbrook police are warning residents not to emulate the hero of the upcoming movie, “Kick-Ass.”

“It doesn’t make a difference if you wear a mask and brightly colored costume,” Said police spokesperson Carlyle Z. Matthews, “Vigilantism is illegal in Illinois.”

In the movie, the teenage main character decides to dress up as comic book hero and fight crime. Though the character is repeatedly beaten up, sources say that the Bolingbrook Police fear that, “Unstable or impressionable residents” might be inspired to become costumed vigilantes.

The sources say that officers will address Bolingbrook's students to educate them about the importance of only letting the police fight crime.

“We need to stress the lesson of ‘The Dark Knight.’” Said an officer who asked not to be identified. “You don’t fight crime by putting on a mask. You fight crime by trusting the police force!”

Officer Dan, who would not reveal his real name, expressed concern about amateurs trying to fight criminals. “It’s not as simple as tasering a rude person, or softening up a criminal when no one is videotaping. Not that we do that, mind you.  The law says you have to treat criminal scum as ‘suspects.’ If you don’t understand the law, a guilty person could be released on a technicality. Also, good and evil are not clear cut in the real world. Someone could decide to become Brook Report Man. Another person could become Super Topix User. They would hate each other, but which one is really the bad guy?”

Other sources say that all Bolingbrook officers will be reminded not to dress up as vigilantes and fight crime during their off-hours.

“Since a certain police officer left the force,” Said Mattews, “we’ve worked hard to reenforce the trust of our residents. If they find out that an officer is running around in a mask and colorful long underwear, it will make them question the integrity of our legal system.”

Matthews conceded that other cities have real life costumed vigilantes.

“But ‘Kick-Ass’ will make people think that if a little girl can use Gun Kata, then they can too. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want our daughters trying to emulate Hit Girl. Her foul language is bad enough!”

A source, named Steve, said that Mayor Roger Claar is also concerned about the impact ‘Kick Ass’ will have on Bolingbrook’s economy.

“He said, ‘Steve, if I’m showing a company president around Bolingbrook, and some costumed freak runs up to us, how would it make us look? If that freak says that he fights crime, that president will then question the competence of our police force. Then he’ll wonder how safe his employees will be because he’ll think crime is so bad that we need masked men in capes to help us. That’s not true! Our crime rate declined from 2005 to 2008. Thanks to that costumed individual, that president will run away from Bolingbrook, and we will lose out on his jobs!’”

Steve also said that Claar made a very good point during a meeting with the other trustees. “He said, ‘If we don’t stop these costumed freaks, it will lead to an arms race. First we get the costumed vigilantes. Then the criminals get their own costumed freaks. Then both sides will try to be the first to get super powers. Eventually both sides will gain super powers. Next thing you know, it’ll be World War Hulk outside!’ The trustees were stunned, but Roger said, ‘My wife works with at risk youth! I have to help her keep up with what’s going on in the comic book world!”

When this reporter called the Mayor’s office, the receptionist told Claar that he had calls waiting from The Babbler, The Brook Report, and The Number Crunchers.

“I don’t want to speak to any of them.” Said Claar. “Just pick the one you want to forward to me. I leave it entirely in your hands. *”

* See “Watchmen”, Chapter 12.

Also in The Babbler:

Podcaster tries to impress Mayor Claar
Sources say Skepchick Elyse could be 100 feet tall by May
Man sees image of Ayn Rand at Tailgaters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Babbler’s readers speak out 3/21/10

Hello. Doug Fields here. It’s been awhile since we’ve responded online to our many letters. The truth is none of them have been worthy of an online response. That unfortunate streak ends this week.

The Brook Report says the considered 50 applications before selecting four new writers. We think this person was the unlucky 51st applicant.

To the editor:

Teh Brook Report didn’t look at my application! You’re readers should no what your doing to expose this to Bolingbrook’s 1 million resident.

I want to be like my hero’s on the Fire Department, or the grate employee at Meyers!

(Quotation marks added by The Babbler because this sentence is from The Brook Report.) “Before you pass judgment, figure you?re own and you will find yours are similar to this residents!”

Name withheld by request
Bolingbrook, IL

Let’s just say we hope their new staff members won’t copy other articles, and will proofread the articles they do write.

Form letters seem to be the rage these days. This week, five different people sent us the same letter.

To the editor:

Why won’t (newspaper) denounce (Organization’s name) for (objectionable action) involving (member of the Claar family)? Can’t you see that (objectionable action) will (dire fate for Bolingbrook)?

Don’t let Roger bully you! (Obligatory reference to Bolingbrook Golf Club and Clow Airport.) (Offensive description) like Roger must be stopped!

(Your organization’s name) is (appropriate action) you!

(Your own paragraph)

Names deleted
Bolingbrook, IL

Folks. If an issue is that important you, take the time to write a letter in your own words. If you can’t write a letter, then sign a petition. If you can’t do that, at least fill in the blanks before sending us a form letter.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Andy’s Custard brings peace between Naperville and Russia

Sources say Naperville and Russian officials signed a peace treaty at the Bolingbrook Andy’s Custard.

An employee, who asked to be called Donald, said that the store was about to close when the phone rang.

“It was kind of unusual since we usually don’t get calls this late.” Said Donald. “So I answered the phone. This guy said we needed to stay open because he had an emergency.”

Donald told the man that they were closing.

According to Donald, the man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I am the mayor of Bolingbrook! My guests need frozen custard now. It is literally a matter of life and death!”

Donald handed the phone to his manager. The manager confirmed that it was Mayor Roger Claar and told him they would stay open.

Carl, another employee, was taking orders from the drive through.

“I thought we were just doing a favor for one of Roger’s friends.” Said Carl. “When I saw the motorcycles, the three black SUVs, and the black helicopters, I figured this was something extraordinary.”

When the second SUV pulled up, Carl claims he overheard a conversation.

“One guy said something about canceling a celebration for Evan Lysacek. Someone replied, ‘We’re Naperville. We have a reputation to uphold. We don’t ignore our famous residents!’ I was stunned.”

The vehicles pull into the parking lot and the helicopters continued to circle Andy’s. Ten minutes, Claar stepped out of one of the SUVs and entered Andy’s.

Both sources say Claar thanked the staff for staying open late. Claar explained that Russia was on the verge of invading Naperville over Lysacek’s controversial Olympic Gold Medal. During the negotiations, the Russian ambassador wanted to eat frozen custard. Claar said that the ambassador was so impressed with his shake, that he couldn’t order an invasion.

“Thanks to your fine food, all of you have prevented World War III.” Claar allegedly said.

The staff claims that Claar told them to wait while he went outside. A few minutes later, he came back, holding a cell phone. According to the staff, Claar said he had a special announcement for them.

From the phone speaker, a man’s voice said, “Now I can’t tell the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce how to vote. But I’m sure that after hearing your inspirational story, I’m sure my fellow members will vote you the best restaurant of 2010.”

A few weeks later, Andy’s won the Best Restaurant and Retail award.

“We may not have indoor seating.” Said Donald, “But our frozen custard prevented a war. So I’m honored we won. Even if we can only tell The Babbler what really happened, it was worth it.”

When reached for comment, Naperville Mayor George Pradel said, “Oh it’s you guys again. Tell Roger I said hi.” He then hung up the phone.

When this reporter tried to reach Claar, a village staff member said he was busy.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “See! There’s a coded message in The Babbler! Look at this page. There’s an ad for Tang. There’s an ad for Vodka, and an ad for a book about ancient astronauts. They’re on the same page as an article about me! I do not drink Buzzed Aldrins!”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago skeptic: I’m cute and you’re stupid
Aliens laugh at homeopathic practitioner
Lisle mayor denies plans to ban diesel in Lisle
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/21/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Web Exclusive! Pet psychics dispute dog autism claims

(Note: This a joint article between The Bolingbrook Babbler and The Manchester Mumbler.)

Pet psychics in the Manchester, UK, and Bolingbrook, IL are disputing a Daily Mail article that claims canine vaccines cause autism. The article consists mostly of an interview with the founder of the group Canine Health Concern.

“Utter rubbish.” Said Veronica Willow of Greater Manchester, a pet psychic for 20 years. “I have spoken with hundreds of vaccinated dogs. They are some of the most articulate creatures on Earth. It angers me that their human companions now think they have autism. It makes them question my powers!”

Amber I. Dawn, a practicing pet psychic in Naperville, IL, is especially angry.

“I’m helping a client’s dog write a novel.” Said Dawn. “After my client read the Daily Mail article, he accused me of being a fraud!”

Dawn insists that her client’s dog is not autistic. “How could he be? He’s writing the next great American novel!”

Willow says that humans are simply misunderstanding normal canine behavior. “Some times a dog will bite because their owners will miss the obvious signals. It’s not because they’re in their own world. It’s because they see the world differently than we do. They have a very unique culture. We could learn a lot from dogs.”

Bolingbrook’s Anti-psychic Kitty, the most skeptical creature on Earth, is critical of Canine Health Concern’s recommended treatments.

“Any group that recommends giving water over medicine to a sick animal should be banned.” Said Anti-psychic Kitty through a facilitated communicator. “I couldn’t do that a dog, and that’s saying something!”

Cynthia Z. Rizzo, who claims to be a member of CHC, says the psychics are full of it. “My dog was so cute as a puppy. Now he bites if I touch his tail. I know it’s autism, and my phony psychic didn’t see sense it.”

Most of the veterinarians contacted for the article laughed and refused to be interviewed. One, who asked not to be named, says that while some vaccines may not need to be administered as often as required by law, they do not cause autism.

They don’t cause autism in humans, and there’s no bloody reason why they cause it in dogs!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Skeptical Invasion! The Bolingbrook Babbler’s special report on Skepchicamp

Over seventy skeptics converged on Chicago for Skepchicamp to encourage locals, especially women, to deny the supernatural.

“It’s great to see so many women and so many supportive men!” Said a woman who only asked to be called Jean. “I no longer feel like the only woman in the world who thinks Oprah is full of woo.”

Elyse, head organizer and Skepchick blogger, praised the event. “I can’t believe we pulled it off.” Elyse then added, "We might have to rent McCormick Place next year."

Also at Skepchicamp: