Sunday, February 21, 2010

Chicago skeptic confesses to attempted homeopathic mass murder

Claude P. Wittner, a Chicago Department of Water Management employee, confessed in court to putting a homeopathic cyanide solution into Chicago’s water supply.

Wittner said he was inspired by last months homeopathic mass suicide attempt in the UK.

“I was going to organize a similar event in Chicago,” said Wittner, a self-described skeptic. “Then I though, ‘Wait a second! I have access to Chicago’s water supply. I can use Chicago to prove that homeopathy is fake.”

As several practicing homeopaths gasped in horror, Wittner described how he took a single drop of cyanide, added 99 drops of water, and then shook the vial. He then took a drop from that solution, added 99 drops of water, and then shook that vial as well. Wittner repeated the process 28 more times. He then took the final solution to work, and put a drop of it into Chicago’s water supply.

“If the entire population dropped dead, then I would believe that homeopathy works!” Said Wittner. “The fact that we are having this trial proves that homeopathy is all wet!”

The cook county prosecutor presented two eyewitnesses to counter Wittner’s claim that homeopathy is ineffective.

The first witness, Heather I. McCarthy, accused Wittner of being reckless.

Everyone knows the more you dilute a substance, the more powerful it becomes!” Said McCarthy. “He turned our water into the deadliest poison in the history of homeopathy!”

The second witness, Tina U. Anastasia, claims to be a skeptic, but says it is possible that homeopathy works. Anastasia believes that homeopathy works due to quantum mechanics.

“My fellow skeptics used to laugh at me.” Said Anastasia. “Then I asked how many of them had actually read a paper on quantum mechanics? None. They had only read summaries from physicists. I told them that they were being closed minded because there are scientists who believe in homeopathy. Just because I don’t understand why homeopathy can’t work, doesn’t mean it can’t work.”

Wittner’s lawyer told Anastasia that a British government report will recommend that their National Health Service no longer cover homeopathy, she was not impressed.

“How do you know that they weren't paid off by the pharmaceutical industry?” She replied. “Just because I don’t know if they weren't paid off, doesn’t mean they weren't paid off.”

Wittner’s lawyer later filed a motion to dismiss the case. The judge said she would consider the motion. She also refused to reduce Wittner’s $1 Billion bond.

As Wittner was dragged back to jail, he screamed, “All I did was put distilled water into Chicago’s water supply!”

Sources within the Cook County States Attorney’s office, say if Wittner is acquitted, they will turn him over to a military tribunal.

The source said, “Science may not believe homeopathy works, but many voters believe that homeopathy works. If this case goes public, they will believe that he tried to poison everyone in Chicago. So we have to get him behind bars, or else we’ll be accused of being weak on terrorism.”

The Federation of Chicago Homeopaths will be selling cases of specially treated bottle water to anyone who believes they have been poisoned by Wittner’s solution.

Also in The Babbler:

Russia backs off threat to nuke Naperville
University of Chicago weather machine malfunctions
The Brook Report falls to break record for most plagiarized articles on a web page
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

4 comments:

Ezequiel Del Bianco said...

Excelent!

nagendra said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
dc cosmetic dentist said...

It is just scary that there may be people like these that can do harm to us for the sake of fun or research. It is good that he was caught and jailed.

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