Sunday, February 7, 2010

Bonnie and Roger clash at Clow UFO Base town hall meeting

By Reporter X

What was planned as a town hall style forum about Clow UFO base turned into a bitter debate between Mayor Roger Claar, and Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea.

Though originally planned as a question and answer session with Claar only, many of Clow’s staff and resident aliens demanded that Kurowski-Alicea be brought in as an equal presenter.

Claar rolled his eyes as moderator Ciurkolt explained, “Because there is a possibility, however remote, that Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook could take over Bolingbrook, many of you wanted Bonnie to be here to discuss her plans for Clow.”

Ciurkolt started the forum by asking Claar and Kurowski-Alicea to describe their backgrounds. Claar talked about his public history, then told the story about how then trustee Ed Rosenthal introduced him to the aliens at Clow.

“I was scared at first.” Said Claar. “But as Ed introduced me to the ambassadors, I started to feel like this was the place for me. I knew immediately that the teased kid from Effingham was going to grow up to become the most important mayor in the galaxy!”

Claar added that even though he helped drive Mayor Rosenthal out of office over the use of expensive wallpaper in the mayor's private bathroom, he will always consider Rosenthal to be his friend.

“Ed may be a liberal, but he showed me the truth about our place in the universe.”

Kurowski-Alicea, making her first public appearance since mid-2009, said that when she was on the Bolingbrook High School basketball team, an old man visited her after a loss. The man, she said, told her that one day a corrupt mayor would run Bolingbrook, and that she would be the only person who could stop him.

“I’m convinced that man was Roger Claar from the future!” Said Kurowski-Alicea. “So every time I’m personally insulted on Topix, or a trustee tries to hit me with a car, or a thug threatens my family, I take strength knowing that I’m doing what Roger wants me to do. Which is to bring him down!”

“I just want to say that I have never publicly questioned her sanity.” Replied Claar.

The crowd gasped as Kurowski-Alicea said she supported turning over the UFO Base as well as the airport to private industry. She quickly added that she would still be in control of Clow UFO Base.

In the United States, the government controls every business. When I am mayor, I will be an agent of the government, and therefore I will be in control of the any company that runs Clow UFO Base.” When asked to back up her claim, she replied, “It’s one of those things you can only learn about on the Internet.”

After a short coughing fit that sounded like he was saying, “Crazy,” Claar replied, “let me assure you that I do not run every business in Bolingbrook. If I did, every business would donate to my campaign fund, not just the ones that do business with the village.” Claar later continued by saying, “The reason Bolingbrook exists is because of Clow UFO Base. Clow is the largest employer in Bolingbrook, and the trade it generates is responsible for our modern global economy. Now I’m in favor of privatizing certain functions of government, but when it comes to UFO bases, and my water bill, I’m willing to make exceptions!”

Claar also added that the village only administers Clow UFO Base. The base is owned by the US Government and The New World Order. “While we have considerable autonomy, no one in the village has the authority to sell Clow.”

He then promised that despite the village’s budget shortfall, he would not cut “essential services.”

“No one is going to suffocate because of budget cuts.”

Kurowski-Alicea then accused Claar of using Clow as a means to extort campaign donations from alien corporations.

“These so-called donations are as illegal as property taxes!”

After rolling his eyes “to clear a spec,” Claar denied that he has ever extorted anyone.

“Corporations who do business with me donate to my campaign fund because they want me to stay in office.” Said Claar. “The Supreme Court says corporations have the right to donate any amount of money to anyone they want. So I like to think of my fund raising approach as being ahead of its time!”

Two suspected supporters of Claar and Kurowski-Alicea started off the question and answer session. One was a man wearing a paper bag over his head, and holding a laptop computer. After identifying himself as Smiley Ball Buster, he started rambling about an astroid mining scandal, the right for any subdivisions to join Naperville, President Obama, and Canada. When Claar asked if he had a question, Buster replied, “I was wondering why you haven’t replied to my last e-mail.” As Buster was dragged away from the microphone, Claar yelled, “Someday that astroid will turn a profit!”

Rosenthal then asked Kurowski-Alicea if it was true she had spent the past ten months in a lunar insane asylum. Kurowski-Alicea denied ever being on the moon.

Most of the questioners just stated their own opinions about various issues, most were unrelated to Clow. Kauklka, from the Altar Confederation, spent three minutes explaining his opinion about the occupation of Kxu 7, a planet on the other side of the Milky Way.

“Now that you’ve heard my opinion, I would appreciate if both you said you agreed with me.”

The questioning took a dramatic turn, when a live video feed of Claar’s daughter was projected onto a two story Super-def screen. When the moderator asked her what her question was, she replied, “Actually, I don’t have a question. I just wanted to tell dad that I love him.”

Seconds after the audience said, “Aw,” Kurowski-Alicea screamed that she wasn’t allowed to bring her children to the debate. When told that Claar’s daughter has had a Black Level security clearance since she was 13, Kurowski-Alicea turned towards the monitor and started accusing her of trying to manipulate the audience.

As Kurowski-Alicea ranted, Claar’s daughter made occasional comments like, “Jesus loves you,” and, “I know how to count.”

The forum ended with Claar walking off stage, and a still screaming Kurowski-Alicea being carried away by four security robots.

Zobxli, pundit with the Trax Interstellar News Agency, said it learned a lot about both sides, but felt the debate was missing something.

“If the organizers had brought in that Cuter Side of Politics woman from the YouTube debates, then it might have been more interesting.”

Also in The Babbler:

Skepchick post threatens to wipe out the human race
McKenna blames illegal space aliens for close Republican primary
Chicagoland prepares for glacier onslaught
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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