Sunday, February 28, 2010

‘Bolingbrook Sucks’ song dooms potential trustee candidate

Charles Golderman, once considered by some to be the leading candidate to succeed Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, says his recently uncovered past has doomed his political future.

“Roger has forsaken me!” Cried Golderman.

Golderman, the owner of Barber’s Corner Media, says he is a long time supporter of Mayor Claar. He’s frequently defended Claar on various Internet forums, and claims that he is the reason Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook sold their web site to The Brook Report.

“They knew that they couldn’t compete against my Friends of Roger Social Networking site.” Said Golderman. “It would be Facebook compared to their Friendster!”

Golderman, a Bolingbrook resident since the mid-1990s, said that Claar told him he was impressed with his energy. He felt that Claar was dropping hints that if he ran for Village Trustee, there might be an opening on Bolingbrook First Party's ticket.”

“I was so excited.” Said Golderman about his thought before his last meeting with Claar. “I was going to create a great social network, and then start on the path to becoming the youngest mayor in Bolingbrook history!” He also thought that Claar would make a donation to his exploratory committee from his campaign fund.

Instead, according to Golderman, Claar glared at him when he walked into the mayor’s office. Golderman noticed a cassette boom-box next to the mayor. After asking about the boom box, Claar played the play button. To Golderman’s horror, he recognized the song as “Bolingbrook Sucks.”

“It’s a song I recorded with my garage band, Thufir Bunny. We were teenagers back in the 1990s. We thought it was funny.”

According to Golderman, the song had the same melody as Cypress Hill’s “I Want to get High.” Golderman said some of the lyrics were:

Bolingbrook sucks
It sucks
Bolingbrook sucks
It sucks

So like, my parents moved to Bolingbrook
Because they couldn’t afford to Naperville
So I live in a really lame home that used to be a cornfield
And they’re digging a really big pit a few miles away,
And I can this big mound, that’s really a pile of garbage
And there’s no skatepark
The old dude mayor says he might build one someday
But I think he’d rather (explicate lyrics deleted) with his campaign fund
And we don’t have a cool mall

And and and
Bolingbrook sucks!

Golderman said he could feel his body turn cold.

“But then I realized that if I want to be mayor, I had to keep my cool. This was really a test of my leadership skills.”

Golderman said he calmly told Claar that he was a teenager back then. He has since graduated from college, joined the Republican Party, found Jesus, gotten married, given up drinking, and learned to suppress gay feelings, “In case I ever have any.”

“I thought I nailed it!”

Instead, Claar pressed the fast forward button. Seconds later, Claar played another song. Golderman fell to his knees when he recognized the song.

“It was the Lindsey Lane song!” Golderman said. “I had forgotten about that song. So I started crying, and I told him that I didn’t know about the street’s history. If I had, I wouldn’t have sung those lyrics! After I stopped babbling, I asked if there was anything I could to apologize.”

Golderman said Claar reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small credit card reader. Taped to the reader were the handwritten words, “Campaign Fund.” Claar handed the reader to him.

“I asked him how much I should donate. He didn’t say anything. So I kept spouting out amounts. When I reached the amount that he wanted, he smiled.”

Golderman started to cry.

“Instead of looking forward to a political future, my exploratory fund is bankrupt! All because I made a mistake nearly 20 years ago!”

When reached for comment, Claar denied knowing Golderman, or ever hearing his songs.”

“Even if your story were true.” Said Claar, “All it means is that I didn’t say a word, and someone donated money to my campaign fund. I think that speaks volumes about my fund raising abilities.”

Claar also agreed that it would be unfair to judge Golderman based on a high school song.

“Bonnie’s people are trying say my former trustee Wayne Kwiat should not be elected judge because a client directed him to file a false statement on a federal form. He was acquitted in 1987, and he’s had time to change his ways. Heck, in 90s, Bonnie used to try to steal basketballs. I don’t hold that against her.”

Former mayoral candidate Bonnie Alicea used to play basketball for Bolingbrook High School. Claar later confirmed that he was referring to the steals statistic, and not that she really tried to steal basketballs.

Also in The Babbler:

Russia calls off invasion of Naperville
Brook Reports denies it will published the ‘Protocols of the Elders of Bolingbrook’
Alien code discovered in Phil Plait’s tattoo
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/8/10


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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