Sunday, February 28, 2010

‘Bolingbrook Sucks’ song dooms potential trustee candidate

Charles Golderman, once considered by some to be the leading candidate to succeed Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, says his recently uncovered past has doomed his political future.

“Roger has forsaken me!” Cried Golderman.

Golderman, the owner of Barber’s Corner Media, says he is a long time supporter of Mayor Claar. He’s frequently defended Claar on various Internet forums, and claims that he is the reason Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook sold their web site to The Brook Report.

“They knew that they couldn’t compete against my Friends of Roger Social Networking site.” Said Golderman. “It would be Facebook compared to their Friendster!”

Golderman, a Bolingbrook resident since the mid-1990s, said that Claar told him he was impressed with his energy. He felt that Claar was dropping hints that if he ran for Village Trustee, there might be an opening on Bolingbrook First Party's ticket.”

“I was so excited.” Said Golderman about his thought before his last meeting with Claar. “I was going to create a great social network, and then start on the path to becoming the youngest mayor in Bolingbrook history!” He also thought that Claar would make a donation to his exploratory committee from his campaign fund.

Instead, according to Golderman, Claar glared at him when he walked into the mayor’s office. Golderman noticed a cassette boom-box next to the mayor. After asking about the boom box, Claar played the play button. To Golderman’s horror, he recognized the song as “Bolingbrook Sucks.”

“It’s a song I recorded with my garage band, Thufir Bunny. We were teenagers back in the 1990s. We thought it was funny.”

According to Golderman, the song had the same melody as Cypress Hill’s “I Want to get High.” Golderman said some of the lyrics were:

Bolingbrook sucks
It sucks
Bolingbrook sucks
It sucks

So like, my parents moved to Bolingbrook
Because they couldn’t afford to Naperville
So I live in a really lame home that used to be a cornfield
And they’re digging a really big pit a few miles away,
And I can this big mound, that’s really a pile of garbage
And there’s no skatepark
The old dude mayor says he might build one someday
But I think he’d rather (explicate lyrics deleted) with his campaign fund
And we don’t have a cool mall

And and and
Bolingbrook sucks!

Golderman said he could feel his body turn cold.

“But then I realized that if I want to be mayor, I had to keep my cool. This was really a test of my leadership skills.”

Golderman said he calmly told Claar that he was a teenager back then. He has since graduated from college, joined the Republican Party, found Jesus, gotten married, given up drinking, and learned to suppress gay feelings, “In case I ever have any.”

“I thought I nailed it!”

Instead, Claar pressed the fast forward button. Seconds later, Claar played another song. Golderman fell to his knees when he recognized the song.

“It was the Lindsey Lane song!” Golderman said. “I had forgotten about that song. So I started crying, and I told him that I didn’t know about the street’s history. If I had, I wouldn’t have sung those lyrics! After I stopped babbling, I asked if there was anything I could to apologize.”

Golderman said Claar reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small credit card reader. Taped to the reader were the handwritten words, “Campaign Fund.” Claar handed the reader to him.

“I asked him how much I should donate. He didn’t say anything. So I kept spouting out amounts. When I reached the amount that he wanted, he smiled.”

Golderman started to cry.

“Instead of looking forward to a political future, my exploratory fund is bankrupt! All because I made a mistake nearly 20 years ago!”

When reached for comment, Claar denied knowing Golderman, or ever hearing his songs.”

“Even if your story were true.” Said Claar, “All it means is that I didn’t say a word, and someone donated money to my campaign fund. I think that speaks volumes about my fund raising abilities.”

Claar also agreed that it would be unfair to judge Golderman based on a high school song.

“Bonnie’s people are trying say my former trustee Wayne Kwiat should not be elected judge because a client directed him to file a false statement on a federal form. He was acquitted in 1987, and he’s had time to change his ways. Heck, in 90s, Bonnie used to try to steal basketballs. I don’t hold that against her.”

Former mayoral candidate Bonnie Alicea used to play basketball for Bolingbrook High School. Claar later confirmed that he was referring to the steals statistic, and not that she really tried to steal basketballs.

Also in The Babbler:

Russia calls off invasion of Naperville
Brook Reports denies it will published the ‘Protocols of the Elders of Bolingbrook’
Alien code discovered in Phil Plait’s tattoo
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/8/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Chicago skeptic confesses to attempted homeopathic mass murder

Claude P. Wittner, a Chicago Department of Water Management employee, confessed in court to putting a homeopathic cyanide solution into Chicago’s water supply.

Wittner said he was inspired by last months homeopathic mass suicide attempt in the UK.

“I was going to organize a similar event in Chicago,” said Wittner, a self-described skeptic. “Then I though, ‘Wait a second! I have access to Chicago’s water supply. I can use Chicago to prove that homeopathy is fake.”

As several practicing homeopaths gasped in horror, Wittner described how he took a single drop of cyanide, added 99 drops of water, and then shook the vial. He then took a drop from that solution, added 99 drops of water, and then shook that vial as well. Wittner repeated the process 28 more times. He then took the final solution to work, and put a drop of it into Chicago’s water supply.

“If the entire population dropped dead, then I would believe that homeopathy works!” Said Wittner. “The fact that we are having this trial proves that homeopathy is all wet!”

The cook county prosecutor presented two eyewitnesses to counter Wittner’s claim that homeopathy is ineffective.

The first witness, Heather I. McCarthy, accused Wittner of being reckless.

Everyone knows the more you dilute a substance, the more powerful it becomes!” Said McCarthy. “He turned our water into the deadliest poison in the history of homeopathy!”

The second witness, Tina U. Anastasia, claims to be a skeptic, but says it is possible that homeopathy works. Anastasia believes that homeopathy works due to quantum mechanics.

“My fellow skeptics used to laugh at me.” Said Anastasia. “Then I asked how many of them had actually read a paper on quantum mechanics? None. They had only read summaries from physicists. I told them that they were being closed minded because there are scientists who believe in homeopathy. Just because I don’t understand why homeopathy can’t work, doesn’t mean it can’t work.”

Wittner’s lawyer told Anastasia that a British government report will recommend that their National Health Service no longer cover homeopathy, she was not impressed.

“How do you know that they weren't paid off by the pharmaceutical industry?” She replied. “Just because I don’t know if they weren't paid off, doesn’t mean they weren't paid off.”

Wittner’s lawyer later filed a motion to dismiss the case. The judge said she would consider the motion. She also refused to reduce Wittner’s $1 Billion bond.

As Wittner was dragged back to jail, he screamed, “All I did was put distilled water into Chicago’s water supply!”

Sources within the Cook County States Attorney’s office, say if Wittner is acquitted, they will turn him over to a military tribunal.

The source said, “Science may not believe homeopathy works, but many voters believe that homeopathy works. If this case goes public, they will believe that he tried to poison everyone in Chicago. So we have to get him behind bars, or else we’ll be accused of being weak on terrorism.”

The Federation of Chicago Homeopaths will be selling cases of specially treated bottle water to anyone who believes they have been poisoned by Wittner’s solution.

Also in The Babbler:

Russia backs off threat to nuke Naperville
University of Chicago weather machine malfunctions
The Brook Report falls to break record for most plagiarized articles on a web page
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Libel tourist terrorizes UK

Editor’s note: The Bolingbrook Babbler recently entered into a partnership with The Greater Manchester Mumbler. We will publish articles from our sister publication’s staff that they cannot print in the UK. This is the first such article.

Two years ago, Bart X. Dickson, a Chicago resident, was in a long distance relation with a Joan in the UK. Like many such relationships, they broke up, but Joan’s last e-mail particularly stung Bart.

“She said that I would never be able to earn a living own my own.” Said Bart. “That really hurt my feelings. Just because I don’t want to work doesn’t mean I can’t earn a living.”

Instead of crying, Bart dedicated himself to winning her heart back.

“I thought about going to the UK to talk to her. So I was Googling for British romantic advice when stumbled across an article about British libel laws. That gave me a great idea!”

Using his trust fund, Bart hired an English lawyer and journeyed to London.

“The customs dude asked how I was going to support myself. I said, ‘When I leave London, I will be a millionaire.’”

In London, Bart filed his first lawsuit against The British Chiropractic Association. Bart had a friend in the US make a critical post about him on an Internet forum affiliated with the BCA. Bart’s lawyers filed the lawsuit the next day.

“Next week, I got a check from them!” Said Bart. “They just wanted to keep it quiet because it would detract from their libel suit against Simon Singh.”

When The Guardian tried to write a story about Bart’s lawsuit, his lawyers threatened to sue them. The Guardian settled out of court!

“Cha-Ching!” Said Bart. “This was better than slaving away at a desk!”

Bart has now filed over 9000 lawsuits in the UK, dropping only 10 when the defendants threatened to really go to court. The rest were settled out of court.

According to The Libel Reform Campaign, claimants win ninety percent of all English libel cases. Unlike the United States, the burden is on the defendant to prove their innocence.

Now Bart travels around England as one of the most prolific libel tourists, seeking to punish any slight against him, no matter how small. He only leaves the country for a few months to renew his tourist visa application.

When I spoke with Bart at a cafe, he defended his actions.

“I can’t help it if so many of you hate me, and your libel laws are so generous.” Said Bart, wearing an American Flag jacket. “Thanks to your favorable exchange rate, I’m a millionaire!”

Late in the afternoon, Bart loudly announced to the server, “I want a coffee Americano, black!” As the young woman walked away, Bart announced, “The only thing British Tea is good for is dumping into the ocean.”

A muscular young man stormed up to Bart, and engaged in an obscene tirade against, “Bloody ugly US tourists giving North America a bad name.”

Bart smiled, and turned his laptop towards the man. He said, “Are you willing to post your comments on a public forum?”

The man flipped off Bart and walked off.

“That would have been an easy few thousand quid.” Bart said.

Bart says he doesn’t fear for his safety, though he did concede he was slightly worried once. He said a man threw a bag at him, then yelled that Bart was a Muslim.

“Unlike the rest of London, tube cops have guns! Fortunately I was wearing my George Bush pin, so I wasn’t too worried.”

Bart expressed concern that Simon Singh’s efforts might end his “career.” If British libel laws are reformed, Bart said would consider a career in American informercials.

“I’d just promise to tell people how I got rich for four easy installments of $69.99. I won’t promise them that they can get rich too.”

Bart also expressed hope that his success will someday win back Joan’s affections.

Joan told me that she still has no feelings for Bart.

“I’m sorry that our break up lead to his reign of terror. I wish I could make him stop.”

During the interview, Bart called Joan. During the conversation, she asked him to call back later, but apparently refused.

“Bart, to paraphrase a great philosopher, if you can’t live without me, why aren’t you bloody dead yet?”

She turned off the phone and sighed.

“Men can be such saucy peaches!”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago mob denies sabotaging the 2010 Winter Olympics
Bolingbrook deports alien gang members
Autistic school denies it wants to ban diesel in Lisle
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/20/10

Also in The Greater Manchester Mumbler:

Prince Harry denies dating a Muslim alien

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Web Exclusive! Sycamore farmer repels Chinese invasion!

A Sycamore farmer may have saved Chicago from a Chinese invasion!

According to Robert Parks, he was walking around his fields around 4am when he saw a giant drill burrowing up from the ground.

“It was like one of the Center of the Earth movies.” Said Parks.

At first, Parks just wanted to politely tell his subterranean visitors to get off his private property. When he pointed his flashlight at the emerging craft, he saw a red star on the side.

“That was a Chinese star!” Said Parks. “They must have drilled all the way from the other side of the Earth!”

Realizing that he only had seconds to act, Parks aimed the M4 assault rifle that he just happened to be carrying over his shoulder, and opened fire on the craft.

“I always knew I would need it for protection.” Said Parks.

Parks believes must have hit a fuel line because a second later, the craft exploded. The explosion knocked him to the ground, and the seismic shockwaves could be felt as far away as Indiana.

Moments later, Parks heard the sound of helicopters approaching. Fearing that they were coming for his gun, Parks hid behind some trees.

The helicopters landed, and, instead of going after Parks, soldiers dressed in black sealed the hole, and repaired Parks’s field.

“That’s the only time the government did something nice for me.”

Experts consulted by The Babbler believe that craft was part of a Chinese invasion of the US. They note that the former Soviet Union had access to a Tesla weather machine, and it is possible that the Chinese have their own.

“It is possible that they used the weather machine to cripple Chicago, and then tunnel their way over here.” Said retired army private Mark Williams of Bolingbrook.

Other experts say they noticed increased activity from the Soviet mind control satellites over Illinois around the same time as the explosion.

When this reporter called the Chinese Consulate General in Chicago, a woman laughed and hung up the phone.

A dispatcher at the Bolingbrook Police Department insisted the shockwave was really an earthquake then hung up.

Mayor Claar could not be reached for comment, but some eyewitnesses claim to have seen him emerging from the basement of the Bolingbrook Golf Club around noon. The Golf Club is believed to house the one of the village’s disaster command centers.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Bonnie and Roger clash at Clow UFO Base town hall meeting

By Reporter X

What was planned as a town hall style forum about Clow UFO base turned into a bitter debate between Mayor Roger Claar, and Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea.

Though originally planned as a question and answer session with Claar only, many of Clow’s staff and resident aliens demanded that Kurowski-Alicea be brought in as an equal presenter.

Claar rolled his eyes as moderator Ciurkolt explained, “Because there is a possibility, however remote, that Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook could take over Bolingbrook, many of you wanted Bonnie to be here to discuss her plans for Clow.”

Ciurkolt started the forum by asking Claar and Kurowski-Alicea to describe their backgrounds. Claar talked about his public history, then told the story about how then trustee Ed Rosenthal introduced him to the aliens at Clow.

“I was scared at first.” Said Claar. “But as Ed introduced me to the ambassadors, I started to feel like this was the place for me. I knew immediately that the teased kid from Effingham was going to grow up to become the most important mayor in the galaxy!”

Claar added that even though he helped drive Mayor Rosenthal out of office over the use of expensive wallpaper in the mayor's private bathroom, he will always consider Rosenthal to be his friend.

“Ed may be a liberal, but he showed me the truth about our place in the universe.”

Kurowski-Alicea, making her first public appearance since mid-2009, said that when she was on the Bolingbrook High School basketball team, an old man visited her after a loss. The man, she said, told her that one day a corrupt mayor would run Bolingbrook, and that she would be the only person who could stop him.

“I’m convinced that man was Roger Claar from the future!” Said Kurowski-Alicea. “So every time I’m personally insulted on Topix, or a trustee tries to hit me with a car, or a thug threatens my family, I take strength knowing that I’m doing what Roger wants me to do. Which is to bring him down!”

“I just want to say that I have never publicly questioned her sanity.” Replied Claar.

The crowd gasped as Kurowski-Alicea said she supported turning over the UFO Base as well as the airport to private industry. She quickly added that she would still be in control of Clow UFO Base.

In the United States, the government controls every business. When I am mayor, I will be an agent of the government, and therefore I will be in control of the any company that runs Clow UFO Base.” When asked to back up her claim, she replied, “It’s one of those things you can only learn about on the Internet.”

After a short coughing fit that sounded like he was saying, “Crazy,” Claar replied, “let me assure you that I do not run every business in Bolingbrook. If I did, every business would donate to my campaign fund, not just the ones that do business with the village.” Claar later continued by saying, “The reason Bolingbrook exists is because of Clow UFO Base. Clow is the largest employer in Bolingbrook, and the trade it generates is responsible for our modern global economy. Now I’m in favor of privatizing certain functions of government, but when it comes to UFO bases, and my water bill, I’m willing to make exceptions!”

Claar also added that the village only administers Clow UFO Base. The base is owned by the US Government and The New World Order. “While we have considerable autonomy, no one in the village has the authority to sell Clow.”

He then promised that despite the village’s budget shortfall, he would not cut “essential services.”

“No one is going to suffocate because of budget cuts.”

Kurowski-Alicea then accused Claar of using Clow as a means to extort campaign donations from alien corporations.

“These so-called donations are as illegal as property taxes!”

After rolling his eyes “to clear a spec,” Claar denied that he has ever extorted anyone.

“Corporations who do business with me donate to my campaign fund because they want me to stay in office.” Said Claar. “The Supreme Court says corporations have the right to donate any amount of money to anyone they want. So I like to think of my fund raising approach as being ahead of its time!”

Two suspected supporters of Claar and Kurowski-Alicea started off the question and answer session. One was a man wearing a paper bag over his head, and holding a laptop computer. After identifying himself as Smiley Ball Buster, he started rambling about an astroid mining scandal, the right for any subdivisions to join Naperville, President Obama, and Canada. When Claar asked if he had a question, Buster replied, “I was wondering why you haven’t replied to my last e-mail.” As Buster was dragged away from the microphone, Claar yelled, “Someday that astroid will turn a profit!”

Rosenthal then asked Kurowski-Alicea if it was true she had spent the past ten months in a lunar insane asylum. Kurowski-Alicea denied ever being on the moon.

Most of the questioners just stated their own opinions about various issues, most were unrelated to Clow. Kauklka, from the Altar Confederation, spent three minutes explaining his opinion about the occupation of Kxu 7, a planet on the other side of the Milky Way.

“Now that you’ve heard my opinion, I would appreciate if both you said you agreed with me.”

The questioning took a dramatic turn, when a live video feed of Claar’s daughter was projected onto a two story Super-def screen. When the moderator asked her what her question was, she replied, “Actually, I don’t have a question. I just wanted to tell dad that I love him.”

Seconds after the audience said, “Aw,” Kurowski-Alicea screamed that she wasn’t allowed to bring her children to the debate. When told that Claar’s daughter has had a Black Level security clearance since she was 13, Kurowski-Alicea turned towards the monitor and started accusing her of trying to manipulate the audience.

As Kurowski-Alicea ranted, Claar’s daughter made occasional comments like, “Jesus loves you,” and, “I know how to count.”

The forum ended with Claar walking off stage, and a still screaming Kurowski-Alicea being carried away by four security robots.

Zobxli, pundit with the Trax Interstellar News Agency, said it learned a lot about both sides, but felt the debate was missing something.

“If the organizers had brought in that Cuter Side of Politics woman from the YouTube debates, then it might have been more interesting.”

Also in The Babbler:

Skepchick post threatens to wipe out the human race
McKenna blames illegal space aliens for close Republican primary
Chicagoland prepares for glacier onslaught
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.