Saturday, January 16, 2010

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook opposition parties respond to State of the Village Address

Every year, The Babbler gives Bolingbrook’s opposition parties a chance to respond to the mayor’s state of the village address. This year The Roger Claar Party, The We Hate Roger Party, The Zero Tax Party, and Intellectuals for Bonnie accepted our invitation.

The Roger Claar Party
A great mayor deserves a great party!

Wow! That’s all I can say. Mayor Roger Claar is truly the father of Bolingbrook! A father sticks with his children through the hard times, and Roger Claar is the best father we could have.

Yes, we will have to make sacrifices, but under Roger’s visionary leadership, we will make the right sacrifices, and we will emerge from the darkness. Corporate greed will not bring down Bolingbrook!

Can Roger rely on the trustees to support him through these dark times? Last year trustees Leroy Brown and Rick Morales voted against Roger. If they’re willing to vote against expanding the truck stop, what else are they willing to vote against? Your home? Your job? Your future? Maybe they’re more concerned with funneling leads to The Number Crunchers rather than helping Roger lead Bolingbrook.

The Roger Claar party is the only party that fully supports our mayor. Next year, please support us and give Roger the board that he truly deserves!

Dave Nelson
Founder and President of The Roger Claar Party

The We Hate Roger Party
Just hate Roger!

So Mayor Roger Claar says he’s going to review every expense and tighten the village budget. Does that mean he’ll sell off the golf course and Clow Airport? Of course not! He’ll hang on those sacred cows no matter how much money they lose. Yeah maybe someday they’ll make money. Maybe someday they’ll rename Willis Tower, Wesley Willis Tower.

Don’t expect Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook to help. They can’t even get a simple public question on the ballot. They’re too busy posting conspiracy theories and sometimes they’ll accidentally post a link that debunks one of their theories.

Even the most Topix loving, Claar indebted supporter knows that something is wrong with Bolingbrook. The glitter of the Raj Mahal can’t distract us from that and the fumes from Clow can’t destroy enough brain cells to make us forget.

We don’t care if you’re conservative or communist. If you hate Roger, then you’re welcome to join us! If you can spell, understand grammar, and believe in copyright law, you can help build our web site!

Ron Langenberg
Head Facilitator of The We Hate Roger Party

The Zero Tax Party
Zero Taxes = Infinite Revenue

Listen to us Roger. If you eliminate all local taxes, they village will suddenly have an infinite revenue! You could make every village employee a millionaire, fill every pothole, and still have enough money to pay off the national debt. Imagine the President of the United States owing Bolingbrook a huge favor!

Sadly, Roger won’t listen to us. If you join The Zero Tax Party, however, we will have the strength to take over the village board, and show the world the genius of our policies!

Don Z. Raymond
Leader of The Zero Tax Party

Intellectuals for Bonnie
Out of the ruins, a new Bolingbrook

Mayor Roger Claar clearly showed that we are in trouble. The village that Roger has built cannot stand. There must be a change.

Why do we think Bonnie Alicea can run Bolingbrook, when her group can’t even get their candidates and issues on the ballot? We don’t. We believe, however, she can bring about change.

Roger has so ingrained himself into the institutes of Bolingbrook, that even if he were to lose the election, he would still have considerable political influence.

Sometimes you need to start with a blank slate. Like the universe uses black holes to get rid of stars, we need a black hole to destroy Bolingbrook’s institutions until there is nothing left but a void.

Even in the void, the residents will have a spark of hope. We will use that spark of hope build a new Bolingbrook. To paraphrase Nietzsche, we have stared into the abyss and it has show us a better Bolingbrook.

We believe that Bonnie and her group are the black hole that Bolingbrook needs! Help us help Bonnie, and in return we will build a new Bolingbrook for you. A Bolingbrook free from Roger’s influence!

Derrick A. Anderson
Founder of Intellectuals for Bonnie

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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