Harry Boutman from Bolingbrook claims he saw Lady Gaga trying to enter the Victoria's Secret store.
“She was wearing large metal hoops that were attached to a skull cap.” Said Boutman. “When she tried to enter, she couldn’t fit through the door. I tried to walk by, but she stopped me and took off her cap. She said it would give her an orgasm if I held her rings while she went inside. What could I say? I’m a guy!” Boutman refused to say what happened next.
Sylvia Harrison from Romeoville, said she saw Lady Gaga inside Claire’s.
“My daughter was so excited.” Said Harrison. “I was just puzzled by all the triangles on her dress.” According to Harrison, while her daughter excitedly told her how much of a fan she was, Lady Gaga looked at her finger nails. “(Lady Gaga) said ‘I love it when my people babble over me.’ So I told that pop star (expletive deleted) what she could do with her pasted on triangles. The manager and her security threw us out. So on the way home my daughter cried and said she hated me because Lady Gaga now hated her. I hate Lady Gaga.”
Don Stevens from Lisle said he saw another fan angrily confront Lady Gaga inside Macy’s.
“Some guy wanted his money back because she moved her shows to Rosemont Theater.” Said Stevens. “I didn’t listen to what she had to say because I was too busy wondering why she was walking around wearing black booty shorts and a thin low-cut shirt. It was cold outside.”
Dawn Park from Bolingbrook said she saw Lady Gaga at Home Plate restaurant.
“She marched in, wearing a tight red dress.” Said Park. “Her security guards shoved the line aside and she walked up to the counter and demanded the $10,000 burger.” According to Park, when told that Home Plate didn’t sell a $10,000 burger, she started reciting a list of exotic ingredients.
“Some of them they could have bought at an Asian market, but I don’t know where you can get a tiger penis in the US.”
Park added that whenever an employee tried to speak, Lady Gaga would say, “Stop.” She would repeat her demand, then command the employee to “Serve.”
Finally, according to Park, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, who just happened to be at Home Plate, had enough.
“He walked up to Lady Gaga and said, ‘I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook. Shut up! Leave!‘ She glared at him, like she couldn’t believe that he would stand up to her.”
Park said that Lady Gaga marched towards the door with her entourage. Before leaving, she turned towards the customers and briefly lifted up her dress. As the customers becameill, she left Home Plate. Park refused to say what made everyone feel sick. “It was horrible.”
Claar, according to Park, announced that he would pay for everyone’s meals from his campaign fund. As the customers applauded, Claar said, “It’s never too early to start campaigning.”
When asked to comment, Claar replied, “Lady Gaga? Is that a new Muppet?”
Lady Gaga’s tour manager denied that she was ever at the Promenade. In the background, a woman shouted, “If The Babbler is going to write about me, I’d better be (Expletive Deleted) an alien!”
(Photo used under Creative Commons.)
Also in The Babbler
Wheaton man starts podcast to get job
Local vampires praise Daybeakers
Dell tries to kick Elyse off the Internet!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/20/10
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.