Saturday, January 2, 2010

Bolingbrook to host bowl game starting in 2012

Sources within village hall claim that Bolingbrook will host its own college bowl game starting in 2012.

“We’re proud to be a part of the expanding post-season college season.” Said Dave, a source within village hall. “This unique cooperation between the village and private business promises bring revenue to Bolingbrook, and joy to the rest of the nation.”

Steve, a source close to Mayor Roger Claar, says Claar is very excited about the proposed bowl game.

“He said, ‘Steve, we haven’t been certified by the NCAA, and corporations are already lining up to give us money! If we manage our expenses right, this bowl game could pay off the golf club and Americana Estates.’” It would also be a big boon for local businesses, Steve claims Roger told him. Because local restaurants could run the concession stands, and then fans could shop at the Promenade while waiting for the traffic to clear up.

According to Steve, the bowl game, which has been in the planning stages since 2002, was originally called The Bolingbrook Bowl. Its name then evolved into The Bolingbrook Promenade Bowl on Molex Field with the Ikea and Meijer End Zones Inside Orange Crush Stadium. Steve added, that bowl game almost didn’t happen when Claar said that he wanted his name included the official bowl game name. The board of directors said that Claar should pay, like the other corporations did.

“Then Roger said, ‘Well I’m not a corporation. I’m the mayor of Bolingbrook, and I can decide not to approve the dozen permits your game requires. Can you afford to repay all those corporations when you have to cancel the game?’”

So the game was renamed to Roger Claar Presents The Bolingbrook Promenade Bowl on Molex Field with the Ikea and Meijer End Zones Inside Orange Crush Stadium in honor of Heart Haven Outreach. Claar then made what Steve called, “A small donation” to the board of directors.

The second obstacle to the bowl game was Bolingbrook’s lack of a large stadium.

Said Marla, a source within Village Hall, “Bolingbrook has about $200 million dollars in debt. Even expanding Bolingbrook High School’s stadium would cost twice that amount.”

The solution presented itself last month, according to various sources. Chicago Mayor Daley offered to sell an inflatable domed stadium. Intended a temporary structure for the 2016 Olympic games, the stadium had a large tear and he didn’t want pay to patch it up.

“We had the budget to fix it.” Said Marla, “And replace the Festo name with Orange Crush. It was like a gift from God! He seems to take an interest in football games.”

The village was planning to announce the bowl game in 2011, but will have to move up the announcement due to an article on The Number Cruncher’s web site. The sources say that the village’s share of the bowl game’s expense was disguised as a “Culture and Recreation” line item.

“We wanted to surprise the residents.” Said Dave. “The bowl game would pay for itself, and create jobs! Rhonda is going to spoil the surprise. Not only that, but now Mayor Daley will probably try to throw together a bowl game at Soldier Field just to beat us. No amateur player should have to suffer through a Chicago winter just to please Mayor Daley!”

Added Marla, “We’re working with PZ Myers to figure out how to crash Rhonda’s online polls. If we can be half as successful as PZ is, we’ll convince her that her readers only want to see pro-Roger articles on her site!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Claar denied the existence of a local bowl game, and said, “I believe in four things. God. Country. Family, and that bowl games should only be played in warm climates! Even I take winter vacations, and I am Bolingbrook!”

Also in The Babbler:

Homoeopath claims to be able to reverse vaccines.
Chicago scientist sees return of glaciers in one month!
Asian Land Carp spotted in Homewood!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/9/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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