Sunday, January 24, 2010

Aliens, gangsters and foreigners rushing to incorporate in Bolingbrook


By Reporter X

Bolingbrook is seeing a rush of incorporations following The Supreme Court’s lifting of restrictions on corporate campaign spending.

Extraterrestrial businesses are leading the charge to incorporate in Bolingbrook.

“Clow UFO Base affects our bottom line,” said JoKaxal of Woxel Feathers. “Yet we can’t affect who runs Clow. By setting up a corporation in Bolingbrook, we can ensure that the voters will pick the best leaders for Bolingbrook.”

Korlax, of the Bolingbrook Interstellar Chamber of Commerce, says that many member businesses plan to spend millions against Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook.

“We can’t understand most of their posts.” Said Korlax, “But we’re pretty sure they’re against Clow UFO base. We have too much invested in Clow UFO Base to let Bonnie take it away from us!”

Korlax says their new corporations will also try to encourage Mayor Claar to increase Bolingbrook’s abduction quota.

“By threatening to spend billions against Claar, we believe he’ll back down, and this will improve our profit margins in the long term.”

Aliens are not the only ones trying to incorporate in Bolingbrook. Charlie X Stanley, who claims to be a former advisor to Mayor Claar, says he is helping Bolingbrook’s numerous gangs incorporate.

“This has nothing to do with getting my revenge against Roger!” Said Stanley. “I just want to help these maligned groups get the full protection of the law.”

Stanley says the gangs want to incorporate themselves into corporations that will sell “protective services.” He defends his actions by pointing out that these corporations could bring investment from South America, Mexico, and Southeast Asia into Bolingbrook.

According to Stanley, his new corporations could help educate voters.

“For too long, Roger and Bonnie has launched baseless attacks against these young men. Our new corporations will be to legally spend money to counter those falsehoods. They’ll have to think twice before raise the false specter of a so-called gang problem.”

He also says his clients are excited by the protections offered by incorporation.

“When Pfizer mis-marketed Bextra, a drug with dangerous side affects, they just had to pay a fine. No one served in time in jail. Not that my clients intend to threaten any lives, but they would like that kind of protection.”

Brian Z. Alberts, a Bolingbrook lawyer, claims that he is helping a Chinese company form a corporation in Bolingbrook.

“Back in the 1980s, a Will County board member tried to sell Old Chicago to my client.” Said Alberts. “Back then, my clients didn’t trust the Bolingbrook government. With this recent ruling, my client now believes they can help the residents of Bolingbrook elect a government that will be more supportive of their special needs.”

When The Babbler attempted to reach Mayor Roger Claar for comment, his receptionist said he was too busy calling national business leaders.

In the background, this reporter believes he heard Claar say, “You know when I was talking about corporate greed in my state of the village address? I hope you understand that was just politics. AIG is always welcome to do business in Bolingbrook. There’s no need to spend any of that bailout money against me.”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago Skeptic: God made our fundraiser a success
Homeopaths protest at Royce RD Water Reclamation plant
Hackers try to jam Comcast’s broadcast of NFL playoffs
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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