Sunday, January 31, 2010

Abducted skeptic released at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

After four months, aliens released YouTube skeptic Captain Disillusion at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“After many long and arduous hours of negotiations,” said Phil Plait, blogger for Bad Astronomy and former president of the James Randi Educational Foundation, “I’m please to announce that Captain D is back!”

“Parents around the world can relax now that Captain Disillusion will soon return to his full time job of persuading children not to trust YouTube!” Said DJ Grothe, current president of the JREF. “They will soon believe that all ghost videos are done with simple stage tricks, and all UFO videos are computer generated!”

Captain Disillusion became a YouTube sensation about two years ago when he posted a video debunking the slapping penguin video. He later moved on to debunking the Haiti UFO video, and the Gas Station Ghost video. Though he raised eyebrows in the skeptical community when he claimed a goddess named Holly was obsessed with him, he has been fully embraced as a skeptical entertainer.

“Captain D has played a vital role in perpetuating the great cover-up to adults and children alike.” Said Grothe of the silver skinned hero.

According to Plait, Captain Disillusion was abducted in September after completing a long delayed review of The Amazing Meeting 7. While the aliens erased the videos on his home computer, the JREF already had a copy of the completed videos.

“After all he’s done to coverup the presence of aliens on Earth,” said Plait, “I was stunned that an alien crew would abduct him.” After hearing the news, Plait stepped down as the JREF president, to negotiate Captain Disillusion’s release. “He’s the greatest skeptical superhero ever! How could I continue to administer the million dollar challenge knowing that Captain D was being probed?”

Grothe suspects that rouge British mentalist Darren Brown was behind the abduction.

“Darren knew that the Captain’s video was delayed because he wanted to debunk his video where he correctly predicted the winning lottery numbers. Since that would destroy his career, Darren must have gone to Cardiff UFO Base to bribe a UFO crew into abducting Captain D.”

Both men said the British Commission on Interstellar and Intergalactic Relations is investing Brown and will decide his fate at the end of his current “series.”

Captain Disillusion joined Grothe and Plait at the press conference and thank both men for securing his release.

When asked about his future plans, Captain Disillusion replied, “First I’m going to recover from my six nightmarish hours of captivity by getting drunk with Elyse. Then I will go home and release my TAM video before 2010.”

Plait explained to Captain Disillusion that while six hours had only passed by to him, four months had passed by on Earth. It was already 2010, and Elyse can’t drink because she’s pregnant. He added that Elyse and her husband would be more than happy to have him visit their home.

A disappointed Captain Disillusion then asked if Rebecca Watson was still married. When told she still was, Captain Disillusion replied, “Darn.”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptic survives homeopathic suicide attempt
Reptoid files suit against YouTube in Clow’s Interstellar Court
Navistar promises to replace diesel tanks with tesseracts
Governor Quinn begs Illuminati to give him the election
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Aliens, gangsters and foreigners rushing to incorporate in Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook is seeing a rush of incorporations following The Supreme Court’s lifting of restrictions on corporate campaign spending.

Extraterrestrial businesses are leading the charge to incorporate in Bolingbrook.

“Clow UFO Base affects our bottom line,” said JoKaxal of Woxel Feathers. “Yet we can’t affect who runs Clow. By setting up a corporation in Bolingbrook, we can ensure that the voters will pick the best leaders for Bolingbrook.”

Korlax, of the Bolingbrook Interstellar Chamber of Commerce, says that many member businesses plan to spend millions against Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook.

“We can’t understand most of their posts.” Said Korlax, “But we’re pretty sure they’re against Clow UFO base. We have too much invested in Clow UFO Base to let Bonnie take it away from us!”

Korlax says their new corporations will also try to encourage Mayor Claar to increase Bolingbrook’s abduction quota.

“By threatening to spend billions against Claar, we believe he’ll back down, and this will improve our profit margins in the long term.”

Aliens are not the only ones trying to incorporate in Bolingbrook. Charlie X Stanley, who claims to be a former advisor to Mayor Claar, says he is helping Bolingbrook’s numerous gangs incorporate.

“This has nothing to do with getting my revenge against Roger!” Said Stanley. “I just want to help these maligned groups get the full protection of the law.”

Stanley says the gangs want to incorporate themselves into corporations that will sell “protective services.” He defends his actions by pointing out that these corporations could bring investment from South America, Mexico, and Southeast Asia into Bolingbrook.

According to Stanley, his new corporations could help educate voters.

“For too long, Roger and Bonnie has launched baseless attacks against these young men. Our new corporations will be to legally spend money to counter those falsehoods. They’ll have to think twice before raise the false specter of a so-called gang problem.”

He also says his clients are excited by the protections offered by incorporation.

“When Pfizer mis-marketed Bextra, a drug with dangerous side affects, they just had to pay a fine. No one served in time in jail. Not that my clients intend to threaten any lives, but they would like that kind of protection.”

Brian Z. Alberts, a Bolingbrook lawyer, claims that he is helping a Chinese company form a corporation in Bolingbrook.

“Back in the 1980s, a Will County board member tried to sell Old Chicago to my client.” Said Alberts. “Back then, my clients didn’t trust the Bolingbrook government. With this recent ruling, my client now believes they can help the residents of Bolingbrook elect a government that will be more supportive of their special needs.”

When The Babbler attempted to reach Mayor Roger Claar for comment, his receptionist said he was too busy calling national business leaders.

In the background, this reporter believes he heard Claar say, “You know when I was talking about corporate greed in my state of the village address? I hope you understand that was just politics. AIG is always welcome to do business in Bolingbrook. There’s no need to spend any of that bailout money against me.”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago Skeptic: God made our fundraiser a success
Homeopaths protest at Royce RD Water Reclamation plant
Hackers try to jam Comcast’s broadcast of NFL playoffs
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Rebecca Watson foes gather in Lisle

Fifty people gathered at the Lisle Hilton for AntiRebeccaCon to speak out against Skepchick founder Rebecca Watson.

“Rebecca is unpatriotic, anti-god, and too damn uppity!” Said Max Cornwall, founder of AntiRebeccaCon during the keynote address.

According to Cornwall, AntiRebeccaCon came together a few months ago. “I sent Rebecca an e-mail calling her a dumb blonde. She said it was offensive. That hurt my feelings. Then I learned that other people don’t like her. So I decided that this was an opportunity.”

Cornwall said that the convention was free, but anyone who wanted to speak had to pay him.

“I think it is telling that so many people would pay me to speak out against Rebecca in a convention setting.”

Patrick Carter from Chicago accused Watson of ruining the Skeptics Guide to the Universe.

“The SGU was great until episode 36, when she joined! Then we had to put up with her comments.”

When asked to provide examples, He claimed that Rebecca said that car companies killed the electric car, and used the pun, “Master debater.”

After an audience member pointed out that Jay Novella actually made those comments, he replied, “Well they sound like comments Rebecca would make!”

Peter Donahue, from Dallas, TX, who claimed to be a skeptic, accused Watson of ruining skepticism.

“She’s in her twenties!” Said Donahue, who is 80. “What does she know? I didn’t get into skepticism until I was 60! Then I was the leader of the skeptical youth movement! She should have waited forty years instead of polluting skepticism with her twits and webbing!”

Cloud, the only female at the convention and a psychic, accused Watson’s of giving into anti-psychic energy. “Everyone know that science was developed by white males. By encouraging women to embrace rational thinking, she is really selling out women!” Cloud offered to purge Watson of her dark energy, “For a discounted price.”

When reached for comment, Rebecca slurred something it being too early in the afternoon, and directed this reporter to her publicist.

Her publicist, Kim, said, “Rebecca and the Skepchicks will not be intimidated by the He-man Rebecca Haters Club!”

Dr. Steven Novella, head of the Skeptics Guide to the Universe, insisted that Watson and his brother Jay would stay on the show.

“They both offer a unique prospective to the show. Even if Rebecca didn't host our web pages, and Jay didn’t administer our pages, I would still have them on.”

In the background, a child cried, “She said, ‘Heads I lose, tails she wins.’ That’s a false dichotomy!”

A woman replied, “We don’t use logical fallacies in this house!”

“Why?” A girl asked.

“Because I said so.” The woman replied.

“Argument from authority!” The children replied.

“Excuse me.” Novella said before hanging up.

Also in The Babbler:

Alien challenges Bolingbrook resident to donate to Haiti earthquake relief
Asian Land Carp applies for political asylum
Lisle Mayor Broda meets with Reptoids
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/25/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook opposition parties respond to State of the Village Address

Every year, The Babbler gives Bolingbrook’s opposition parties a chance to respond to the mayor’s state of the village address. This year The Roger Claar Party, The We Hate Roger Party, The Zero Tax Party, and Intellectuals for Bonnie accepted our invitation.

The Roger Claar Party
A great mayor deserves a great party!

Wow! That’s all I can say. Mayor Roger Claar is truly the father of Bolingbrook! A father sticks with his children through the hard times, and Roger Claar is the best father we could have.

Yes, we will have to make sacrifices, but under Roger’s visionary leadership, we will make the right sacrifices, and we will emerge from the darkness. Corporate greed will not bring down Bolingbrook!

Can Roger rely on the trustees to support him through these dark times? Last year trustees Leroy Brown and Rick Morales voted against Roger. If they’re willing to vote against expanding the truck stop, what else are they willing to vote against? Your home? Your job? Your future? Maybe they’re more concerned with funneling leads to The Number Crunchers rather than helping Roger lead Bolingbrook.

The Roger Claar party is the only party that fully supports our mayor. Next year, please support us and give Roger the board that he truly deserves!

Dave Nelson
Founder and President of The Roger Claar Party

The We Hate Roger Party
Just hate Roger!

So Mayor Roger Claar says he’s going to review every expense and tighten the village budget. Does that mean he’ll sell off the golf course and Clow Airport? Of course not! He’ll hang on those sacred cows no matter how much money they lose. Yeah maybe someday they’ll make money. Maybe someday they’ll rename Willis Tower, Wesley Willis Tower.

Don’t expect Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook to help. They can’t even get a simple public question on the ballot. They’re too busy posting conspiracy theories and sometimes they’ll accidentally post a link that debunks one of their theories.

Even the most Topix loving, Claar indebted supporter knows that something is wrong with Bolingbrook. The glitter of the Raj Mahal can’t distract us from that and the fumes from Clow can’t destroy enough brain cells to make us forget.

We don’t care if you’re conservative or communist. If you hate Roger, then you’re welcome to join us! If you can spell, understand grammar, and believe in copyright law, you can help build our web site!

Ron Langenberg
Head Facilitator of The We Hate Roger Party

The Zero Tax Party
Zero Taxes = Infinite Revenue

Listen to us Roger. If you eliminate all local taxes, they village will suddenly have an infinite revenue! You could make every village employee a millionaire, fill every pothole, and still have enough money to pay off the national debt. Imagine the President of the United States owing Bolingbrook a huge favor!

Sadly, Roger won’t listen to us. If you join The Zero Tax Party, however, we will have the strength to take over the village board, and show the world the genius of our policies!

Don Z. Raymond
Leader of The Zero Tax Party

Intellectuals for Bonnie
Out of the ruins, a new Bolingbrook

Mayor Roger Claar clearly showed that we are in trouble. The village that Roger has built cannot stand. There must be a change.

Why do we think Bonnie Alicea can run Bolingbrook, when her group can’t even get their candidates and issues on the ballot? We don’t. We believe, however, she can bring about change.

Roger has so ingrained himself into the institutes of Bolingbrook, that even if he were to lose the election, he would still have considerable political influence.

Sometimes you need to start with a blank slate. Like the universe uses black holes to get rid of stars, we need a black hole to destroy Bolingbrook’s institutions until there is nothing left but a void.

Even in the void, the residents will have a spark of hope. We will use that spark of hope build a new Bolingbrook. To paraphrase Nietzsche, we have stared into the abyss and it has show us a better Bolingbrook.

We believe that Bonnie and her group are the black hole that Bolingbrook needs! Help us help Bonnie, and in return we will build a new Bolingbrook for you. A Bolingbrook free from Roger’s influence!

Derrick A. Anderson
Founder of Intellectuals for Bonnie

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Lady Gaga creates a scene at The Promenade

Several people claimed to have seen Lady Gaga at The Promenade Bolingbrook last Thursday.

Harry Boutman from Bolingbrook claims he saw Lady Gaga trying to enter the Victoria's Secret store.

“She was wearing large metal hoops that were attached to a skull cap.” Said Boutman. “When she tried to enter, she couldn’t fit through the door. I tried to walk by, but she stopped me and took off her cap. She said it would give her an orgasm if I held her rings while she went inside. What could I say? I’m a guy!” Boutman refused to say what happened next.

Sylvia Harrison from Romeoville, said she saw Lady Gaga inside Claire’s.

“My daughter was so excited.” Said Harrison. “I was just puzzled by all the triangles on her dress.” According to Harrison, while her daughter excitedly told her how much of a fan she was, Lady Gaga looked at her finger nails. “(Lady Gaga) said ‘I love it when my people babble over me.’ So I told that pop star (expletive deleted) what she could do with her pasted on triangles. The manager and her security threw us out. So on the way home my daughter cried and said she hated me because Lady Gaga now hated her. I hate Lady Gaga.”

Don Stevens from Lisle said he saw another fan angrily confront Lady Gaga inside Macy’s.

“Some guy wanted his money back because she moved her shows to Rosemont Theater.” Said Stevens. “I didn’t listen to what she had to say because I was too busy wondering why she was walking around wearing black booty shorts and a thin low-cut shirt. It was cold outside.”

Dawn Park from Bolingbrook said she saw Lady Gaga at Home Plate restaurant.

“She marched in, wearing a tight red dress.” Said Park. “Her security guards shoved the line aside and she walked up to the counter and demanded the $10,000 burger.” According to Park, when told that Home Plate didn’t sell a $10,000 burger, she started reciting a list of exotic ingredients.

“Some of them they could have bought at an Asian market, but I don’t know where you can get a tiger penis in the US.”

Park added that whenever an employee tried to speak, Lady Gaga would say, “Stop.” She would repeat her demand, then command the employee to “Serve.”

Finally, according to Park, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, who just happened to be at Home Plate, had enough.

“He walked up to Lady Gaga and said, ‘I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook. Shut up! Leave!‘ She glared at him, like she couldn’t believe that he would stand up to her.”

Park said that Lady Gaga marched towards the door with her entourage. Before leaving, she turned towards the customers and briefly lifted up her dress. As the customers becameill, she left Home Plate. Park refused to say what made everyone feel sick. “It was horrible.”

Claar, according to Park, announced that he would pay for everyone’s meals from his campaign fund. As the customers applauded, Claar said, “It’s never too early to start campaigning.”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “Lady Gaga? Is that a new Muppet?”

Lady Gaga’s tour manager denied that she was ever at the Promenade. In the background, a woman shouted, “If The Babbler is going to write about me, I’d better be (Expletive Deleted) an alien!”

(Photo used under Creative Commons.)

Also in The Babbler

Wheaton man starts podcast to get job
Local vampires praise Daybeakers
Dell tries to kick Elyse off the Internet!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/20/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Bolingbrook to host bowl game starting in 2012

Sources within village hall claim that Bolingbrook will host its own college bowl game starting in 2012.

“We’re proud to be a part of the expanding post-season college season.” Said Dave, a source within village hall. “This unique cooperation between the village and private business promises bring revenue to Bolingbrook, and joy to the rest of the nation.”

Steve, a source close to Mayor Roger Claar, says Claar is very excited about the proposed bowl game.

“He said, ‘Steve, we haven’t been certified by the NCAA, and corporations are already lining up to give us money! If we manage our expenses right, this bowl game could pay off the golf club and Americana Estates.’” It would also be a big boon for local businesses, Steve claims Roger told him. Because local restaurants could run the concession stands, and then fans could shop at the Promenade while waiting for the traffic to clear up.

According to Steve, the bowl game, which has been in the planning stages since 2002, was originally called The Bolingbrook Bowl. Its name then evolved into The Bolingbrook Promenade Bowl on Molex Field with the Ikea and Meijer End Zones Inside Orange Crush Stadium. Steve added, that bowl game almost didn’t happen when Claar said that he wanted his name included the official bowl game name. The board of directors said that Claar should pay, like the other corporations did.

“Then Roger said, ‘Well I’m not a corporation. I’m the mayor of Bolingbrook, and I can decide not to approve the dozen permits your game requires. Can you afford to repay all those corporations when you have to cancel the game?’”

So the game was renamed to Roger Claar Presents The Bolingbrook Promenade Bowl on Molex Field with the Ikea and Meijer End Zones Inside Orange Crush Stadium in honor of Heart Haven Outreach. Claar then made what Steve called, “A small donation” to the board of directors.

The second obstacle to the bowl game was Bolingbrook’s lack of a large stadium.

Said Marla, a source within Village Hall, “Bolingbrook has about $200 million dollars in debt. Even expanding Bolingbrook High School’s stadium would cost twice that amount.”

The solution presented itself last month, according to various sources. Chicago Mayor Daley offered to sell an inflatable domed stadium. Intended a temporary structure for the 2016 Olympic games, the stadium had a large tear and he didn’t want pay to patch it up.

“We had the budget to fix it.” Said Marla, “And replace the Festo name with Orange Crush. It was like a gift from God! He seems to take an interest in football games.”

The village was planning to announce the bowl game in 2011, but will have to move up the announcement due to an article on The Number Cruncher’s web site. The sources say that the village’s share of the bowl game’s expense was disguised as a “Culture and Recreation” line item.

“We wanted to surprise the residents.” Said Dave. “The bowl game would pay for itself, and create jobs! Rhonda is going to spoil the surprise. Not only that, but now Mayor Daley will probably try to throw together a bowl game at Soldier Field just to beat us. No amateur player should have to suffer through a Chicago winter just to please Mayor Daley!”

Added Marla, “We’re working with PZ Myers to figure out how to crash Rhonda’s online polls. If we can be half as successful as PZ is, we’ll convince her that her readers only want to see pro-Roger articles on her site!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Claar denied the existence of a local bowl game, and said, “I believe in four things. God. Country. Family, and that bowl games should only be played in warm climates! Even I take winter vacations, and I am Bolingbrook!”

Also in The Babbler:

Homoeopath claims to be able to reverse vaccines.
Chicago scientist sees return of glaciers in one month!
Asian Land Carp spotted in Homewood!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/9/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Web Editorial: Let Anti-psychic Kitty speak at Skepchicamp!

Columnist Dale Onofrey says Anti-psychic kitty wants to speak at Skepchicamp in March.  What do you think?

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.