Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2011

Will Greenland fall into the sea in 2011?
Every December, The Bolingbrook Babbler convenes a panel of psychics to report on their visions for the New Year. Last year, we predicted Lisle’s approval of Navistar moving into the old Lucent headquarters and the Republicans taking the House of Representatives.

Some so-called skeptics will claim that we missed several predictions. We respond that predicting the future is not an exact science, and it may take a year to fully understand a psychic’s vision. True, a Dr. Juanita Nogales didn’t debate Jenny McCarthy on cable TV, but area skeptics did form The Women Thinking Free Foundation, and fought with anti-vaccine activists over public service announcements. So we’ll count this as a correct prediction. While Mayor Roger Claar didn’t file a lawsuit against Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook, the former spokesperson did file a lawsuit against the Village of Bolingbrook. That seems like another success.

While The Chicago Skeptics try to rationalize our 2010 predictions, here are our predictions for 2011!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Mayor Claar gives up mining rights to Rebecca Watson’s asteroid

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar gave head Skepchick Rebecca Watson a very special Christmas present.

Before an interstellar press conference, which The Babbler was able to intercept the video feed, Claar announced that he was giving up the mining rights to an asteroid named after Watson.

“I always said someday that asteroid will turn a profit.” Said Claar. “But after hearing about the great work Rebecca has been doing for humanity, I realized that I couldn’t destroy that asteroid. There are other ways for it to make a profit.

Claar bought the mining rights to 153289 Rebeccawatson in 1997 from the Barnard’s Star Consumption Consortium. Claar hoped to use the profits from mining the asteroid to end the village’s property tax. Instead, the sale triggered an investigation by The New World Order. Though they cleared Claar of any wrong doing, the sale was held for ten years by the New World Order because they questioned whether the BSCC legally owned the asteroid.

During the delay, the asteroid was discovered by David H. Healy in 2001, and later named after Watson in honor of her efforts to promote science and “rational thinking.” After the mining rights were turned over to Claar, The Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science ordered Claar not to mine the asteroid, explaining that the astroid was a symbol of their attempt to raise humanity’s scientific understanding and critical thinking skills.

“I was very critical of their decision to deny me access to my private property!” Said Claar.

Until the agreement, the asteroid was a source of contention between Bolingbrook and the skeptical community. Tensions were so high that in 2009, the JREF closed their embassy at Clow UFO Base. Though they denied it, sources says it was a show of solidarity with Watson.

Claar explained that Watson and he reached an agreement a few days ago. Claar agreed not to mine the asteroid, and Watson agreed to let him build a resort on the nearly three mile long asteroid. Waston would also get to use the resort, rent free, once a year.

“I’m so glad we can put this behind us.” Said Watson. “I also want to add that this agreement did not involve Skepchicks Maria or Tracy donating money to the mayor’s campaign fund. No Skepchick funds were given to the mayor.”

Claar added that he realized that he has a lot in common with Watson.

“We both like a good drink. We both like Boston. Well she probably likes it more than I do, and probably about as much as some of my colleagues did during their trip. Which by the way, they did not spend any tax dollars on their booze!”

Claar also said that he learned to appreciate Watson skepticism.

“When it was easy to believe in woo woo, she was skeptical. When my advisors told me not to build Americana Estates, I was skeptical too. Now she has a career in the skeptical movement, and someday, the village will make a profit thanks to my advanced planning!”

When asked by the alien press corps what she planned to do with the resort, Watson replied, “Thanks to the generosity of Mayor Claar, we now have a site that can house the TAM Skepchick Party! Plus if some guy is being a creep, we can threaten to throw him out the airlock.”

Watson went on to state that at the 2011 Skepchick Party, one person would get a very special Surlyramic.

“Last year we gave out the Ninja Surly to someone for infiltrating an anti-vax rally. In 2011, whoever is the most awesome skeptic at the time will get a Surly that will contain part of the asteroid in the clay. She, or he, will have the first out of this world Surly!”

Skepchick Jen, who was there with several other skepchicks, added that for the first time, this party would have a child friendly event.

“While the adults party, I’m going to take the children on a field trip about 70 light years from Earth. We’re going to watch the first television programs, and then I’ll talk to the older children about what the programs tell aliens about us.”

Skepchick Chelsea added, “I’ve made sure that the alien crew will not experiment on the children, and that they’ll be home in time for bed without any nasty time dilation effects.”

Skepchick Evelyn added, “For the non-drinking adults, I’ll be give a lecture on the geography of the asteroid. It has some of the oldest rocks in the solar system!”

After the press conference, when The Babbler finally reached Watson in her US residence, she replied, “You know, I should be mad that you’re waking me up before 1 in the afternoon. But since I’m in a festive mood, I’ll just wish all of you a happy Boxing Day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to ask Sid what I’m supposed to put in the box. Or am I supposed to box someone?”

Also in The Babbler:

Merry Christmas from The Babbler
Rob Sherman declares victory in War against Christmas
Boise, ID neighborhood asks to join Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/28/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook residents report owning genetically engineered Christmas trees

Have Frankintrees infiltrated Bolingbrook? Many readers believe so.

Donna, who asked that we not use her last name, says her cat tipped her off to her monstrous tree.

“Ms. Kitty used to play with every Christmas tree we ever bought.” She said. “Now she’s afraid of our current tree. I think its because it contains dog genes so cats will think it is a giant dog. The sales person denies it, but I feel its true.”

Doug, who also asked that we not use his name, claims that his tree is odd.

“I walking by my tree in the dark, because I didn’t want to wake up my wife. As I was going up the stairs, I noticed that my tree was glowing! I walked down the stairs and it stopped glowing. Like it knew I was watching it.”

Doug said that his wife claims he really saw a car’s lights reflecting off the tree decorations.

“She’s such a skeptic! I’m starting to think she’s in on it. Come to think of it, she insisted that I pick this tree.”

Paul Rackner, owner of Rackner’s Trees and Flowers, denies that anyone in Bolingbrook is using genetically modified trees.

“I certainly didn’t buy any trees from Denmark that were crossbred with jellyfish or wolfhounds! I knew you were going to ask me that!”

When asked to comment, DrJen, from Chicago Skeptics, replied, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. While you’re on the phone, I do want to mention that we will be hosting a special meetup about genetically modified food. It’ll be on December 28th at the Black Rock. It’ll start at 7:00 PM. It’s an interesting coincidence that The Babbler is also writing about genetically modified plants.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Wikileaks to target Bolingbrook

Various sources say that Wikileaks will be releasing several thousand documents pertaining to Bolingbrook.

According to one of the sources within Wikileaks, the documents offer an unprecedented insight into Bolingbrook’s political scene.

“Sure we usually tackle national governments.” Said the source. “But this stuff is too good not to leak! It’ll be a good warm up to our Chicago release!”

Sources say the documents include thousands of e-mails, letters, and memos, all of which have never been publicly released. Most of the advanced documents given to The Babbler are about mundane items, like repairing the monitors in the board room. There were a few items of interests.

In an alleged e-mail between Mayor Roger Claar and official at Orange Crush LLC, Claar asks, “Why does Bolingbrook need a contract to serve your soda? If you’re just trying to be the official soda of my bar, well, then I should let you know that Coca-Cola currently leads the bidding!” A later e-mail explains that Orange Crush LLC is an asphalt company, and not related to the soda.

The leaks also included an e-mail between staff members of The Brook Report.

The first staffer wrote, “George Smith didn’t donate $10,000 to Bonnie’s campaign. We need to make a correction.”

The second staff member replied, “Your wrong! I’ve seen $10 written as $10,000 somewhere. The Residents won’t care. Their not interested in what the Topix person have to say.”

The documents also detail contacts between Bolingbrook officials and atheist groups. One of the documents includes an alleged letter between DuPage Township Supervisor Bill Mayer and an unnamed atheist.

“We will be happy to accept your food donations.” Wrote Mayer. “However, we cannot distribute Atheist Barbie with each donation of your food item. Once we receive your donations, they are mixed with our common stocks. So we cannot track your donations after that point. I would suggest donating your dolls to a local toy drive. If you do that, FOR GOD’S SAKE, GIVE HER SOME PANTS!”

Another alleged letter claims to be between Claar and an official from Polaris Financial Planning.

“While I appreciate your $400 million offer,” wrote Claar, “I will not change our water towers to include the slogan: “Village of Bolingbrook: We’re bowling over god!”

When asked for an official comment, Wikileaks said they required a cash donation in unmarked bills to pay for their e-mail expenses.

Phil Ferguson, head of Polaris and blogger at Skeptic Money, replied, “How much do I have to pay you to shut down your rag?”

When The Babbler tried to reach Claar, his receptionist said he could not be disturbed. In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “OK, you want to negotiate, we’ll negotiate! If you use your top commandos to bring Julian Assange to me, and you let me first prosecute him under the Bolingbrook Embarrassing Documents Ordinance, I will consider passing a Barack Obama Hour proclamation, and maybe I’ll shave off a couple dollars when I donate to your Republican opponent!”

Also in The Babbler:

Aluminum pole shortage blamed on Festivus
Claar grant Santa permission to enter Bolingbrook homes
Rev. Meeks: I will not ban white cats!
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 12/23/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Web Exclusive: Men in Blue pull @healthyaddict video from YouTube

Is this a UFO following Ashley Paramore?
By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue pulled a video by YouTube producer @healthyaddict about Clow UFO Base, fifteen minutes after she posted it.

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs said that @healthyaddict, also know as Ashely Paramore, a director at the Secular Student Alliance, tried to video tape aliens at Clow UFO Base.

“We know she meant no harm.” Said spokesperson Robert L. Amerberson. “But that doesn’t excuse the fact that she uploaded the video. Now if she had released the video through The Babbler, we would have let it slide. No one believes The Babbler. But her YouTube channel is very credible and has more followers than The Babbler’s. Which says a lot about an atheist channel. Anyway, we couldn’t take the chance.”

Based on eyewitness accounts of the video, and expert analysis of her previous videos, this reporter was able reconstruct her Clow video.

The video starts off with Paramore driving in her car and wearing earphones. She says she’s in Bolingbrook and on her way to Clow Airport.

“They say that the airport is really a UFO base” Said Paramore. “What makes it unusual is that skeptics are allowed to visit the base. I guess we’re part of the ‘coverup’ of UFOs. So, YouTube, let’s see if they’ll let me film the aliens!”

The video then jumps to her arrival at Clow. Which is then followed by various shots of her trying to find aliens at Clow.

“There are no aliens by the flag polls.”

“There’s no secret door to the base behind this snow bank.”

“I’m not allowed to cross this line. I wonder if there are aliens in there.”

“That doesn’t look like a UFO to me.”

“That guy is giving me funny looks. I wonder if he’s an alien. He doesn’t look like one.”

“Is that an airplane, or is it an airplane filled with aliens?”

Finally, a scene starts inside Illinois Aviation Museum. After focusing on an airplane for a few seconds, Paramore raises her head into the shot and smiles.

“Nope. No aliens here either.”

Some people who saw the video claim that she actually did film aliens and alien space craft.

“If you look carefully at a couple frames at the beginning of her video, you see what appears to be a black speck.” Said YouTuber Bolingbrookalien. “I’m sure it’s really a Martian warship that de-cloaked for 1/16th of a second.”

Professor Monica K. Ward AB PhD, thinks Paramore filmed a couple Reptoids. “To the unaided eye, the anomalies look like unfocused pixellated people in the distance, but I know they’re really Reptoids trying to maintain their form. She should be more observant.”

Later in the video, Paramore approaches a guard and tries to say the password to get her into the base.

“I’m feeling very skeptical about this place.”

“Do you ever feel Randi working around here?”

“I want to Grothe my view of aviation?”

“Do I have to Wagg something to get into the special section?”

After a few more attempts, she tells the guard to wait. The video then cuts to her walking back to the guard.

“I’m trying to find the--” She holds up a fist full of necklaces. “Surly room! I think one of these is the key to the room. Can you help me?”

The video then cuts back to her driving in her car.

“Well I didn’t see any aliens, and the guard told me to leave or he was going to turn me over to the TSA. I wanted to see the aliens, but I guess I’m not important enough to be let in. YouTube, maybe Jeff Wagg is right. Maybe there is more to being skeptical than simply not believing in God.”

The final scene is her pulled by the side of the road. Flashing lights can be seen from her rear window.

“I just got pulled over and a man in a blue suit is approaching me.” Said Paramore. “I think I’m going to upload my video before its too late.” The video ends seconds later.

Amberson denied that Paramore was harmed or had her memory altered.

“We simply explained that not everyone who claims to be a skeptic will be allowed into Clow. You have to be sponsored by a major Skeptic group, like The James Randi Educational Foundation or CSI.”

When asked if this was unfair towards younger skeptics, Amberson disagreed.

“We’ve been trying to get Jennifer McCreight to speak here for years. She wants us to pay for her graduate education. Maybe after people have forgotten about Boobquake, we can talk down her speaker fee.”

Amberson said that his department explained to Paramore that she could help skepticism by promoting a certain Bolingbrook institution.

“A strong Bolingbrook will lead to a strong skeptical movement!”

This reporter finally located Paramore, who was hanging out in a bridal suite at The Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“Hey YouTube! Here’s the reporter from The Babbler I was telling you about.” Said Paramore as she greeted the reporter and filmed with her iPhone.

She added that it was good to talk to “a real person,” because some people were writing mean comments on her channel.

Paramore denied trying to find aliens at Clow, and insisted that she was in Bolingbrook only to visit the Golf Club.

“Someone mailed me a VIP coupon and told me to ‘do my thing.’ So I figured that I would stop by here on my break and invite Hemant and his friends.” She added, “This place is so big and so empty. We’re going to have the sports bar and the hot tub all to ourselves. It’s going to be awesome!”

After being asked several questions about UFOs and religion, Paramore then looked into her iPhone and said, “This is a weird interview, YouTube. Do you want to see more?” She pointed to the ground. “Leave a comment down here, or send me a video!”

Paramore then praised the club’s staff.

“They’re so cool. Whenever I flash my coupon, they'll do almost anything for me. They make me feel like a high roller. Just now I asked them to retrieve my luggage, which is stuck in Minneapolis. They said no problem.”

A few seconds later, several staff members entered the suite with a large crate.

“Mayor Roger Claar wants you to know that the Illinois Air National Guard will have your here in about two hours.” Said a staff member. “We’re sorry we could not get your luggage to you sooner, and we hope this will help you pass the time.”

The staff then opened the crate, revealing an arcade machine. As they plugged it in, Paramore gasped and walked toward the machine.

“Oh YouTube!” She exclaimed. “It’s a vintage Dance Dance Revolution arcade machine.” She moved closer to the game. “And it has unlimited credits!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Web Exclusive: The $5 challenge gets animated.

By Dale Onofrey

The SGU still hasn't responded to our $5 Challenge to them.  So now we're forced to use the power of Xtranormal to make our point! 

If you don't want to see any more of these videos, ask the SGU to debunk any of our stories!  It's that's simple.  Oh, and Anti-psychic Kitty can't stop us with his logic lesson!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

The Readers Speak Out: 12/12/10

Reader’s Editor Doug Fields here. It’s been awhile, but we have a few letters worthy of being published.

The first one is a surprise letter from a trustee candidate:

To The Babbler:

I wanted to say thank you for publicizing Bolingbrook.  It is hard work to run a web site for so long.  I appreciate your articles and my husband and I chuckle all the time about it.  My favorite was the girl with the basketball! :)

Bonnie Alicea
Bolingbrook, IL

Thank you Bonnie, but this doesn’t mean we’ll stop keeping an eye on Mayor Roger Claar, you and every politician in Bolingbrook.

Which bring up this string of letters we received this week. This first one starts out like this:

To The Babbler:

I was minding my business when a man in a black suit walked up to me. He told me not to vote for Bonnie. I think he was working for the mob. So I’m voting for Bonnie.

Name withheld
Bolingbrook, IL

Then there’s this letter:

To The Babbler:

I read your letter in last week’s Babbler about a man in suit telling people not to vote for Bonnie. I’m going to vote for Bonnie too.!

Name withheld
Bolingbrook, IL

Then there's this letter:

To The Babbler:

I live in Missouri, but after reading the last two letters you published, I am mad. I am going to move to Bolingbrook just to vote for Bonnie.

Name withheld
Arnold, MO

You almost had us, except for the fact that all three letters were sent in the same package with a Bolingbrook postmark. Plus it doesn’t help that all three people have the same signature. It is much harder to pull off a sock puppet in real life than it is on the Internet.

Mr. Sock Puppet, you aren’t helping Bonnie, and you aren’t promoting good public discourse either. If you must use sock puppets, go post on Topix.

Finally, we get this warning from a local reader:

To The Babbler:



Paul X. Stagner
Bolingbrook, IL

Um, I could celebrate and use more Google products?

Also in The Babbler:

Lisle issues new snow snake warnings
Bolingbrook braces for Minnesota snow refugees
Brookfield Zoo asks for Yeti.
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/17/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Anti-psychic Kitty speaks: Animated Straw Men

Note: Due to a legal settlement with the James Randi Educational Foundation, we are required to give occasional column space to Anti-psychic Kitty, the most skeptical creature on Earth. The views expressed in this column do not reflect the views of The Babbler.

Most of you know my human caretaker, Babbler columnist Dale Onofrey, from his YouTube videos. Recently, he’s been obsessed with The Babbler’s $5 Challenge to The Skeptics Guide to the Universe. Now Dale is working on an animated video using Xtranormal.

I’ll let the SGU handle this specific video. I want to talk about these types of videos. Thanks to Xtranormal, you don’t have to film your opponent making an argument. You can just write the script, and have an animated character represent your opponent. As this video shows.

In this video, the producer gave the meat eater the weaker arguments. Implying that there is no rational response to the anti-Thanksgiving arguments. This type of argument is called a straw man argument. Its like creating a dummy stuffed with straw, setting it on fire, and pretending that you defeated your opponent.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Bolingbrook group blames Mayor Claar for Comcast outage

Did Mayor Roger Claar cause Comcast customers to lose internet access for several hours? The group, The Residents for Bolingbrook, says yes.

In a press release sent to The Babbler, the group claims that it is no coincidence that Comcast went down this weekend.

“Roger knew that The Brook Report receives thousands of hits a day!” Said the release. “The Brook Report says that’s more than any other paper in Bolingbrook. Since The Brook Report is reporting the truth, we know Roger doesn’t like that. He can’t intimidate The Brook Report, so we think it’s likely that he used his influence to shutdown Comcast! At a time when we desperately need to spread the truth about Roger Claar, Comcast failed us!”

A source at Comcast claims that Sunday’s connection problems were due to issues with their DNS server. While technically customers were connected to the Internet, they couldn’t go to any sites or pages. Customers either waited for Comcast to restore service, or used an alternative DNS server.

“It got so bad that we just had to turn off the phones and use a recorded message.” Said the Comcast source. “Personally, I think we should just stick with recorded messages. It will greatly improve our reputation for customer service.”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I didn’t even know the internet was down yesterday! I rarely use the Internet at home. Even then it’s for legitimate purposes! Why don’t you blame the space aliens for this?”

A source at Clow UFO base said they are conducting an investigation, but doubt that aliens were involved.

When asked to comment, someone at The Brook Report apparently said they were conducting their own investigation, and suspected Mafia involvement, “In this and other crimes against Bonnie.” The source said they were working with the FBI, CIA, and “Inter Poll” to uncover “Roger’s international corruption!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Valley View rejects teaching 'Reptoid Theory' of Santa Claus

Is Santa an alien?
Valley View 365U will not be the first school district in the world to teach an alternative theory of Santa Claus.

"It's bad enough that we have to deal with Rhonda and her site!" Said School Board President Steven Quigley, according to sources. "I will not let anyone turn our schools into a laughing stock!"

According to various sources, the board met in secret with the president of the Bolingbrook Alien Education Society, Paul X. Ferguson. Ferguson, said the sources, asked the board to give "equal" time to alternative theories of Santa Claus. When Mike Evans asked this meant teaching students about Hanukkah, he shook his head.

"We're teaching students a fairy tale about Santa Claus when there is perfectly rational explanation." Said Ferguson. As the board members jaws dropped, Ferguson unveiled his "scientific theory."

"Every December, The Reptoids give thanks to the human race by sending a fleet of space ships, disguised as flying sleighs, to deliver gifts to the families of the 'developed nations.' They then teleport into each home, and shape shift to look like Santa Claus. This is how they thank us for not drilling into the center of the Earth."

Ferguson said his theory resolves many problems of that the current "theory" of Santa Claus has. His theory explains why Santa in be in several homes simultaneously. It also explains how he is able to transport the millions of pounds of toys. The theory also doesn't require reindeer to fly at supersonic speed.

After explaining the theory, the board sat in stunned silence. Finally, Mrs. Liz Campbell asked why he was inspired to come up with this theory.

"Richard Dawkins said that we shouldn't teach our children fairy tales, but science fiction instead. Now, I don't consider my theory science fiction, but it does give our district the chance to offer an alternative to parents who want their kids to only be exposed to science."

Campbell, according to the sources, paused, and then said, "That settles if for me. I'm voting no!"

Quigley asked if the theory had been peer reviewed. When Ferguson said no, Quigley explained, "We may have our issues, but we always try to teach peer reviewed scientific theories. The traditional theory of Santa Claus has been reviewed by millions of parents. I see no need to go against centuries of tradition at this time. If Nature accepts your paper, let us know."

The board then voted unanimously against teaching Ferguson's theory.

When reached for comment, Ferguson denied meeting with the school board, but says his theory has been peer-reviewed.

"My friends like the theory, and they're my peers." Said Ferguson. "I hope to get it published by MUFON. After all, Hollow Earth Theory makes more sense than an immortal old man living in hut at the North Pole!"

When asked to comment Quigley said, "There is a Hell. It's Rhonda asking questions in my left ear, and an issue of The Babbler stapled to my eyes!"

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-vax parent: I'd rather have a dead kid than an autistic one!
Aliens testing cloaked ballons over Lisle
Snow snakes responsible for Bolingbrook blackout
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Skeptoid to take on The Bolingbrook Babbler

Brian Dunning
The almost popular skeptical podcast, Skeptoid, will be taking on The Bolingbrook Babbler.

According a leaked script, host Brian Dunning will be taking a “skeptical” look at our stories.

“UFO Bases in Chicago? A swamp monster in the suburbs? Men in Blue? These are the so-called unbelievable truths uncovered by The Bolingbrook Babbler. But are they true? Let’s take a closer look.”

In the script, Dunning attacks almost every major story uncovered by The Babbler. He takes special aim at Clow UFO base.

“Bolingbrook is supposed to be the home of the world’s largest urban UFO base. You would expect to see an above average number of UFO sightings in the area, yet a brief survey of the UFO literature shows very few references to Bolingbrook. Now which is more likely? That UFO groups, like MUFON, are involved in the cover up, or Clow UFO Base is so unbelievable, that’s it's just not true?”

Dawn X Weagle, who claims to work for MUFON, denies that the group is involved in a cover up.

“If you guys would take the time to fill out the online form, we would be happy to put your sightings on file.”

Later in the script, Dunning lists stories that he says The Babbler should be focusing on.

“The Babbler should be focusing on more important issues like Bolingbrook’s 11.75 percent sales tax rate, the drive by shooting by their high school, politicians who use taxpayer dollars to get drunk, illegal public nuisance laws, a public luxury golf club, and the combined effort of Mayor Roger Claar,, and the mob to drive a simple housewife with a PhD ABD out of town!”

The source who leaked this script to The Babbler confessed that mainly used The Brook Report as his primary source for information about Bolingbrook.

“Brian was on a tight deadline, and we had podcasts to produce.” Said the source. “So I mainly used Junk Science for my DDT script, and The Brook Report for The Babbler podcast. Hey, we also needed to get ready for our debate with Rebecca Watson. Did I say debate? I meant joint appearance!”

When pressed, the source confessed that it might have been better to use more sources for his scripts. “Brian has really taken a hit on the DDT podcast. Bug Girl, Deltoid, and even Orac are slamming him hard. Brian is kind of embarrassed by the whole thing. He shouldn’t be. We’re humans. We heard something we liked, and we made the mistake of not looking at it closer. I think he should just come clean.”

Instead, the source admitted that he may no longer be working with Dunning, and doesn’t know when or if The Babbler podcast will run.

When The Babbler reached Dunning, who was in Australia for TAM OZ, he hung up the phone three times. On the fourth call, Dunning denied knowing the source, or planning a podcast about The Babbler. He also defended his DDT podcast.

“You can challenge my facts, but you can’t challenge my opinion!” Exclaimed Dunning. “We should be using DDT in Africa!”

“You shouldn’t be giving interviews when you’re suffering from jet lag.” Came a woman’s voice.

Dunning ignored the woman.

When asked if the reason Bug Girl opposes DDT usage because she’s really an insect hybrid, Dunning replied, “Tell Bug Girl, I’m not some pheromone susceptible male that she can simply lure into her web and devour. I’m Brian Dunning, the host of Skeptoid!”

Bug Girl could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-vax forces plan assault on aspirin
Weredogs to protest McNabb visit
Bonnie denies plans to nail self to cross
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/3/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Web Exclusive: Former mayor tries to adopt elephant ghost

Romeo's ghost haunts Lake Lawn in Wisconsin.
Former mayor Ed Rosenthal tried to adopt an elephant ghost while visiting Delavan, WI.

“I was staying at Lake Lawn Resort when noticed this giant translucent elephant outside.” Said Rosenthal. “The poor thing looked so said, and probably needed a home since Lake Lawn is closing.”

According to local sources, Rosenthal saw the ghost of Romeo, a killer elephant that used to live in Delavan. Romeo, a circus elephant, lived in the 1800s, and stayed in Delavan during the winter. During his career, he killed five people, but was never put down because, according to one source, he was sad over the death of his mate, Juliet.

“I didn’t care about his life.” Said Rosenthal. “He’s a ghost now. He can’t harm anyone. I’d like to have him around to keep my dog company, and scare off any burglars. It’s not like he needs lots of space.”

A source connect to the Delavan tourism department said Rosenthal’s request was denied.

“Our statue of Romeo is a popular tourist attraction.” Said the source. “One of the reasons its so popular is because Romeo will appear at night. Sure he usually looks like a blob in a digital photo, but still, people want to see his blob!”

When informed of Rosenthal’s interest in adopting Romeo, a spokesperson for the Bonnie Alicea Kurowski for Trustee campaign responded by saying, “Bonnie will make an exception to my, er her, promise not to pass public nuisance laws if it means protecting Bolingbrook from killer ghosts!”

Wisconsin officials urge caution to anyone attempting to adopt a ghost, and to consult paranormal experts before trying to move one across state lines.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving from The Bolingbrook Babbler

Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for supporting The Babbler!

Dale Onofrey, our "Web Sites to Avoid" columnist, delivers our Thanksgiving YouTube message and asks some very interesting questions.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Skeptic Jeff Wagg seeks asylum at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Skeptical activist Jeff Wagg sought asylum at Clow UFO Base after writing a blog post critical of Skepticon 3.

According to a security guard, “I was just eating my lunch when this bearded man ran up to the gate. He screamed, ‘The Treaty of Bolingbrook specifically states that any current or former employee of the James Randi Educational Foundation can seek asylum at this UFO base.’ He showed me his JREF Fellow card, and I pointed him to the hidden door.”

Another employee, who asked not to be identified, said that the Men In Blue escorted Wagg into highly secured area.

“He kept asking them if the base could withstand a siege from Talking Minnesota Land Squids. They didn’t say anything, but if we can hold off a Martian attack for 30 seconds, we can deal with those squids.”

Sources believe Wagg sought asylum at Clow following a strong negative reaction to a post on Indie Skeptics titled “Are Atheists Delusional? Thoughts on Skepticon3.” Wagg, the organizer of the first eight Amazing Meetings in Las Vegas, posted that he felt Skepticon was a mislabeled atheist convention, and disagreed with organizer JT’s assertion that, “skepticism leads directly to some brand of atheism/metaphysical naturalism.”

“Skepticism is about drawing conclusions that are proportioned to the available evidence. That’s it. And I think keeping the two things separate if vitally important.” Wrote Wagg.

Experts who spoke to The Babbler were stunned by swiftness of the backlash. Within hours, blogs such as The Friendly Atheist, Pharyngula, and Blag Hag attacked Wagg.

“This is concerns us.” Said GilGack, an overseer for the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science. “Skepticism is a method of thinking, not a set of beliefs. We will not let Earth into the greater interstellar community until skepticism is embraced by the majority of Earth’s population. This controversy could derail our efforts.”

GilGack would not say what would happen if humanity failed to embrace skepticism, but ruled out destroying the entire Earth.

“There is no need to destroy a perfectly good planet when you can just rearrange the surface.”

GilGack hopes that a blog counteroffensive, lead by Barbara Drescher and Kylie Sturgess will calm the skeptical movement down.

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Kylie Sturgess replied, “Kylie cannot conduct an interview at this time because she is writing an e-mail to Jennifer McCreight explaining the flaws in her argument that kittens are cute.  True they are cute, but Jennifer's argument is still lacking!”

When reached at Skepticon, PZ Myers, told this reporter, “Who cares about Jeff? I just beat Rebecca Watson in a drinking contest!”

When this reporter called Wagg’s home, a woman replied, “Let me get him. Jeff! Why are you covering yourself in newspapers?”

“Urban camouflage!” Replied Jeff.

Also in The Babbler:

New World Order shuts down South Elgin UFO base
Ghosts can’t stop Wrigley Field football game
Source: Bonnie wants to shut down Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/26/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Roger Claar (1986)

In 1986, two years after President Ronald Reagan visited Clow UFO Base, Bolingbrook was in crisis. The New World Order forced Mayor Bob Bailey to resign. Old Chicago, once a source of pride for Bolingbrook, is finally torn down. Hair Metal bands are poisoning the minds of our children’s minds. Some fear that Clow could be closed and moved to Chicago.

In this crisis, The NWO appoints former village trustee Roger C. Claar as mayor.  In 1979, he was appointed trustee, and brought peace to a divided village board.  After an unsuccessful campaign for mayor, he was appointed administrator of The Men in Blue.  The NWO felt that Claar could restore order in Bolingbrook.

Claar did more than restore order of Bolingbrook. He became the longest serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, and it’s most controversial. Supporters say he spurred Bolingbrook’s commercial and industrial growth, and is responsible for the village growing to over 70,000 residents. Critics say he runs Bolingbrook like a political machine, and uses his campaign fund to live a lavish lifestyle.

When The Babbler first interviewed Mayor Roger Claar, he had recently been appointed mayor. Unlike the other mayors, he seemed to welcome the opportunity to talk to our reporter.

Mayor Roger Claar reveals his crazy vision for Bolingbrook!

Reporter:  Thank you for your time.  We usually have to wait months before a mayor will grant us an interview.

Claar:  Don't get too big a head.  I agreed to this interview because I know that not all of your readers are insane.  I'm using you to reach out to The Babbler's sane readers.

Reporter:  OK, I guess.  So, first question.  How does it feel to be the mayor?

Claar:  Right now it's kind of hectic, but it feels good.  It's like my whole life has been building up to this moment where I can take chaos, and create order.   No, I have a better example.  It's like I have a new baby, and I can once again forge her path.  (Phone rings)  Excuse me.  Hello?  Yes, it will be a lot of work.  Oh, thank you for your generous offer, but I can't talk about campaign donations now.  I'm in my office.  I'm sure my campaign manager will organize a fundraiser soon.

Reporter:  People are donating to your campaign fund already?

Claar:  Sure.  I've been getting a lot of donations lately.

Reporter:  Are they trying-

Claar:  They aren't trying anything!  You see, a donation to my campaign is the voters' way of saying that I'm doing a good job during the off years.  The better the job I do, the more my campaign fund will grow.  Now I have quite a challenge before me, but I know the voters have confidence in me.  In fact, I could have several thousand dollars in my campaign fund by the end of the year.

Reporter:  Thousands of dollars?  Why do you need thousands of dollars to campaign in Bolingbrook?

Claar:  Would you turn down a million dollar campaign fund?

Reporter:  No.

Claar:  That's settled.  Next question.

Reporter:  Um.  Some people say that we should reduce the population of Bolingbrook because of the risk to Clow UFO base's cover.  How do you respond?

Claar: (chuckles)  I'll play along.  The previous mayors have secretly tried to limit development around Clow.  I think that's the wrong approach.  First, alien cloaking technology is more advanced today than it was back in the 1960s.  Second, I say that the more people Bolingbrook has, the easier it will be to hide the UFO base.  In fact, I support commercial development around Clow.

Reporter:  Businesses next to a UFO base?  Are you crazy?

Claar: (Smiles)  Coming from The Babbler, that's a compliment.  No, it won't happen right away, but think about all the supplies that a UFO base needs.  Now try to justify delivering all of those supplies to a small, rural suburb.  Like a tanker truck for example.  Before, you had to ask why a tanker is in the middle of nowhere.  With more development, we can say, "Oh that truck is here to fuel the new gas stations."

Reporter:  I see.

Claar:  Or think about all the people required to staff a UFO base.  Why would all those people be in Bolingbrook.  Once I get my way, we can say, "Oh, they're here to shop."  "They live here."  "They work in the brand new factories."  Do you understand?

Reporter:  I see.

Claar:  In fact, I'm going to go up to developers and say, "See this previous development?  This is the most expensive home.  I want you to development a subdivision, and that's the starting price."

Reporter:  Why?

Claar:  So people can move up in status and still live in Bolingbrook!  In fact, I want people to do more than live in Bolingbrook, I want them to shop in Bolingbrook.  Chicago and Naperville have been taking too many of our sale tax dollars. We need to keep those dollars in Bolingbrook.

Reporter: How?

Claar: I going to support the building of malls. We’ll start with strip malls, and then someday, I imagine that Bolingbrook will be the home of a large outdoor mall. It will be so magnificent that people from Naperville will want to shop there.

Reporter: Wait a minute! Bolingbrook couldn’t support an indoor mall. How could we support an outdoor mall. Especially one without an amusement park.

Claar: Because it will have anchor stores that people will actually want to shop at! (Phone rings) Excuse me. Hello? Yes! I’m doing fine. What’s that? Sorry, I can’t talk about donations. I’m working, and you do business with the Village. What? Hmm. I guess it would mean I’d have to be tougher on you, and thus you would do a better job for the village. That’s an interesting argument. I’ll have to discuss it with my lawyers. But not right now.

Reporter: Did I hear--

Claar: Everything I do will be double check by lawyers and then double checked again! I won’t do anything illegal!

Reporter: But how will that look to the residents of Bolingbrook.

Claar: Would you want to talk to lawyers every time someone gave you a gift?

Reporter: No.

Claar: Well that’s what I’m going to do!

Reporter: But that sounds c--

Claar: Don’t say that C word!

(Knock on the door. Claar answers the door.)

Man holding briefcase: Hello your honor! (Opens the briefcase) Alexander Hamilton and I want to talk to you about building a luxury housing development and a first class golf club in Bolingbrook.

(Claar turns red)

Claar: Aaron Burr and I want you to get the (expletive deleted) out of my office!

(Man runs away with the money. Claar walks into the bathroom and then comes out several minutes later.)

Claar: Ed sure has good taste in wallpaper.

Reporter: And missile defense systems.

Claar (chuckles): You know, a luxury housing development anchored by a golf club is a good idea. Maybe something to do several years from now. But I won’t use that developer. He’s dishonest. You know. If its such a good idea, maybe the village could do the project instead.

Reporter: You want the village to get into the real estate business?

Claar: Why not? Land is always a good investment. The village would collect tax dollars and money from the sale of the homes. How could we lose?

Reporter: What if the market has a downturn.

Claar: Then we’ll wait for the up turn.

Reporter: Government in the real estate business? That’s crazy! I’m sorry.

Claar: If The Babbler thinks it’s crazy, then it must be a good idea. But don’t worry. I think I’ll build two skateparks before I build the golf course.

Reporter: Skateparks! Have you seen skateboarders? They’re crazy! They must be on drugs.

Claar: If skateboarding isn’t a crime, then law abiding citizens will be skateboarders.

(Reporter stares at Claar)

Claar: Oh by the time I get to that, Skateboarding will be cool and the crazy people will try to figure out how to jump off high buildings without getting killed.

Reporter: I don’t know what to say. All of your ideas are so radical, and I’m not just saying that lightly.

Claar: Oh those ideas are pretty simple compared to my ultimate dream.

Reporter: Ultimate dream?

Claar: Sure. Everyone needs an ultimate dream. A vision to work towards, even if you don’t succeed, you’ll go father than you expected to go.

Reporter: I’m afraid to ask.

Claar: You talk to aliens, yet you’re afraid of my ultimate goal?

Reporter: I’m not Reporter X.

Claar: Ah. Well if I’m successful as mayor, then not only will more people want to move to Bolingbrook, but more communities will want to be a part of Bolingbrook.

Reporter: As in copying your policies.

Claar: No. As in they will ask to be annexed by Bolingbrook. First Romeoville, and then Woodridge. As Bolingbrook grows, more suburbanites will demand to be annexed by Bolingbrook. Before long, all of Chicago’s suburbs will merge to become Greater Bolingbrook, and Chicago will be a suburb of Bolingbrook!

Reporter: Um, if you want to run a major city, why not move to Chicago and run for mayor?

Claar: Do you want to be the mayor of Chicago?

Reporter: Good point.

Claar: Once that happens, then I can retire knowing that helped Bolingbrook reach its golden age.

Reporter: You know. Somehow, that idea doesn’t sound crazy.

Claar: Good. I think.  Well I have to get back to work. I hope you print most of the truth.

Reporter: I am sworn to tell reveal the truth, no matter how unbelievable it may be.

Claar: Some things never change. You know---

(A basketball flies in through the open window. Claar grabs the ball and throws it out the window. Then he runs up to the window.)

Claar: Hey! Watch where you throw your ball!

Girl: You’re a meanie and I’m going to get you someday!

(Girl runs away.)

Claar: (Shakes his head.) I have a feeling that girl is going to grow up to be nothing but trouble.

After publishing the interview, Claar announced at the next board meeting that the only truthful part of the story was letting the reporter into his office. The rest was “a bunch of nonsense.”

While Claar has never given another extensive interview with The Babbler, he will still talk to our reporters. Though sometimes our reporters have use some very aggressive tactics to get a few comments from him.

Despite our psychics best efforts, we don’t know when the next mayor of Bolingbrook will be elected. When that happens, we will interview him or her, and we will print the truth, no matter how unbelievable it may be.

As this series has shown, The Babbler has always been a part of Bolingbrook’s history. We’re confident that as long as there’s a Bolingbrook, there will be a Bolingbrook Babbler. It just wouldn’t be “The Brook” without us.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Edward Rosenthal (1981)

In 1980, America rejected The Carter administration and embraced the pro-American, pro-responsibility polices of Ronald Reagan. It really was morning in America. In 1981, Bolingbrook decided to elect liberal Ed Rosenthal to be the mayor of Bolingbrook. 

The residents of Bolingbrook supported his efforts to create transparency in village hall. They were willing to buck the national trend to put the Pride Party and him in office.

Rosenthal's election angered Babbler publisher John Olson so much, that he would use The Babbler to try to get Rosenthal recalled before his inauguration. He said that Bolingbrook needed to be saved from that “peacenik hippy commie teacher!” The Babbler, under protest from the editor, ran articles about Rosenthal’s “numorous visitors with alien bankers” and attacked his family. When The Babbler questioned his wife’s administration of The Fountaindale Library and it’s “collection of cursed books,” Rosenthal wrote a letter to the editor. When The Babbler claimed that his oldest daughter had a collection of voodoo dolls, he submitted a guest opinion.

When The Babbler wrote about his youngest daughter, Rosenthal marched into The Babbler’s new Barber’s Corner office and barged into Olson’s office. The two then had the loudest argument in the history of Bolingbrook. The argument was heard as far away as Downers Grove, and as far underground as Hell. They only calmed down when lawyers for both sides entered the room.

After the meeting, Olson announced that he was stepping down as the publisher of The Babbler. He added that The Babbler would retract it’s article about Rosenthal’s youngest daughter. To date, this is the only retraction in The Babbler’s history.

Rosenthal agreed to his first interview with The Babbler as mayor, but stated that he be allowed to “conclude our settlement there.” Our reporter had no idea what he was getting into.

Mayor Rosie speaks to The Babbler!

Reporter: Hello your honor.

Rosenthal: Oh come in. You can call me Mayor. We’ll worry about calling me Ed or Rosie later once you’ve earned it.

Reporter: Um OK.

Rosenthal: You must be the bravest reporter at The Babbler.

Reporter: I drew the short straw.

Rosenthal: Ah. Well have a seat. This won’t hurt much.

Reporter: OK. Um, you seem calmer now compared to the last time I saw you.

Rosenthal: Oh I’m quite calm now. In fact, I’ve never been happier. I heard that you have a new publisher now.

Reporter: Yes. Chris Olson took over today. He says that he’s going to keep the editorial and business departments separate at The Babbler.

Rosenthal: I think that’s good. All I have to say to your staff is this. You can accuse me of visiting alien bankers, though I only go to the bank to cash a check. You can say my wife is hoarding spell books, though she’s really supports science. You can talk about Rachel because she thinks it cool to have voodoo dolls. But when you go after my youngest daughter, that makes me mad. She’s too young for your silliness.

Reporter: I’m here to assure you that my report won’t be silly.

Rosenthal: If you say so. Now, what’s your first question? And it better not be about cabals or secret business groups or any other innuendo.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Bob Bailey (1978)

Few can argue with Bob Bailey’s dedication to Bolingbrook. He served on the Board of Trustees since Bolingbrook’s founding in 1965. To date, he is the only resident to serve two nonconsecutive terms as mayor. While critics called his expansion of Remington Blvd a “Road to nowhere,” it helped spur industrial development in Southern Bolingbrook. The current Bolingbrook Town Center is named in his honor. Some say that if you listen very carefully, you can hear his ghostly footsteps as he wonders the hallways.

In the late 1970s, Bailey had a love-hate relationship with The Babbler throughout his career. He would call Babbler reporters, “a bunch of liars” at board meetings, yet most of what we now know about Clow UFO base came from his leaks to The Babbler. Sources say he summoned the ghosts of journalists to create The Phantom Press.  Bailey wanted a publication to compete with The Babbler, he allegedly told his supporters. Yet, when those supporters urged him to have The Babbler removed from Old Chicago, he refused. Circulation of The Babbler at Old Chicago saved The Babbler from almost certain bankruptcy.

Though Bailey gave many insightful interviews with The Babbler, his first interview as mayor was marred by the disco fever epidemic of 1978.

Mayor Bob Bailey goes disco!

By Reporter Quepasa

The phone rang at an ungodly hour.

“Why are you calling me at 1 PM. That’s wicked!”

“Keep cool, man. I’ve got a really hot tip, you know. So I had to wake you up, you know.”

“It had better good, and not bogus.”

“There’s a VIP disco tonight at Old Chicago! Everyone who’s anyone in Bolingbrook is going to be there. They’ve set aside a special joint for the occasion!”

“Like no way!”

“Like way! It’s not open to the public, but I got tickets for you. If you wear your best threads they’ll let you in. Catch my drift?”

“I can dig it!”

After spending most of the afternoon enjoying the buzz from my primo coffee, I cleaned up and put on my best threads. I hopped into my car and pointed my car towards the dome.

Friday, November 12, 2010

The mayors of Bolingbrook: Nora Wipfler (1975)

In 1975, Bolingbrook celebrated its 10th birthday. Now it was officially the second largest municipality in Will County, and some predicted that Bolingbrook would soon reach 100,000 residents by 1985. If you were young, and starting a family, Bolingbrook was the happening Chicago suburb. Old Chicago would open later that year, along with the Fountaindale Library. The future seemed bright.

The Babbler’s future, at the time seemed uncertain. Following the loss of paper of record status, publisher John Olson was forced to make cuts. The page count was cut in half, and the number of enhanced photos per issues were reduced. Many believers feared that Chicagoland’s voice of truth could be silenced.

Though The Babbler was down, it was certainly wasn’t out. As our first interview with newly elected mayor Nora Wipfler clearly showed.

Mayor Wipfler speaks: Romeoville won’t eat us!

After avoiding The Babbler during the campaign, new Village President Nora Wipfler finally agreed to an interview! While obviously the powers that be prevented her from telling the whole truth about her plans for Bolingbrook, we found her relative openness to be quite refreshing.

Reporter: Thank you for the interview, madam president.

Wipfler: You can call me mayor. Everyone else does.

Reporter: OK. Well Mayor Wipfler, thank you for this interview.

Wipfler: Oh don’t thank me. I just want to be able to go to sleep and not worry about about a three AM call from your reporters.

Reporter: Fair enough.

Wipfler: But don’t think that means I’ll put up with any sexist questions.

Reporter: (Tears several pages out of his notebook.) In that case, my first question is, how do you enjoy being the most important mayor in the galaxy?

Wipfler: Galaxy? Oh that’s right. It feels just like being the mayor of a large village in Illinois. I enjoy it.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: James Johnston (1974)

The second half of 1974 saw the opening of Bolingbrook High School. The first class of students also included 10 alien “observers.” Thus making Valley View the first school district in the free world to openly admit human and extraterrestrial students.

James Johnston also became mayor in 1974, and would not run for reelection in 1975. Though he didn’t have the shortest term in the history of Bolingbrook, he does have the honor of having the shortest published interview in The Babbler.

Village President call Romeoville’s annexation threat ‘nonsense’

Tensions between Bolingbrook and Romeoville escalated after Village President James Johnston abruptly end an interview with The Babbler.

The complete transcript of the Interview is below:

Johnston: Sorry for the delay. I had to finish writing a letter to a young man who’s trying to tell me how to run the village. He says I need to fix the divided village board.

Reporter: No problem.

Johnston: So let’s get this over with. I guess it’s a rite of passage for the village president to be interviewed by The Babbler.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The mayors of Bolingbrook: Patricia McDowell (1974)

In the early 1970s, the second wave of the feminist movement was in full swing. Many of the protections and rights women now take for granted were won during this time. Ideas once considered radical, like women should have equal opportunities, finally gained acceptance during this period.

During the middle of this time of transformation, the Bolingbrook trustees elected Patricia McDowell as the first female village president. Though to date her’s was the shortest tenure of all of Bolingbrook’s mayors, history will always remember her as a pioneer for all of Bolingbrook’s female political leaders.

Unfortunately, The Babbler at the time, didn’t share the country’s growing acceptance of feminism. Publisher John Olson lead the charge to have McDowell removed. His campaign reached a low point with The Babbler’s first and last interview with her.

Did Village President McDowell punish The Babbler because it was that time of the month?

By John Olson

After weeks of openly calling for her resignation, village president Patricia McDowell invited me to her office. I graciously accepted the opportunity to explain to Mrs. McDowell why she was a bad example for the young ladies of Bolingbrook. She, like Betty Ford, is no lady, but I hoped to persuade her to reconsider her reckless fantasy that men would actually take orders from her.

As stepped into her Spartan office, I longed to see a women’s touch. She seemed out of place in room once occupied by such manly men as Robert Schanks. Instead, there stood, this petite thing. She motioned for me to sit. I refused to sit until she sat. She sighed and then sat down.

McDowell: Let’s get this over with. I don’t appreciate going to Jewel and seeing my face on the cover of your tabloid. I really don’t like it when you insinuate that I’m cheating on my husband with an alien.

Olson: I have sources!

McDowell: What have I ever done to you? Why do you hate me?

Olson: I should be asking the questions. I’m the man in the room.

McDowell: And I’m the one in charge of the police department. Which by the way, I’ve noticed that our officers have been very forgiving whenever they see one of your reporters poking around Clow.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Thomas Groseth (1973)

From 1968 to 1973, Bolingbrook was on its way to becoming the second largest municipality in Will County. The first restaurant, Mr. Quick, opened in 1969. The park district was founded in 1970. That year also saw Valley View become the most evil school district in the country with its year-round calendar. Indian Oaks, Winston Woods, Ivanhoe, Cherrywood, and Cinnamon Creek subdivisions started in 1971. The first shopping center opened in 1972. Jewel opened in 1973, thus giving The Babbler two distribution locations, and allowing The Babbler to end free home delivery to every resident in Bolingbrook.

The Babbler also experienced growing pains. With the founding of the Bolingbrook park district, The Babbler was no longer Bolingbrook’s number one tourist attraction. Other weekly publications tried to compete with The Babbler with their “hard news.” That meant that The Babbler’s reporters had to fight even harder to get to truth to Bolingbrook.

In 1973, newly elected Village President Thomas Groseth tried to ignore The Babbler. Even going as far as to write a column for The Bolingbrook Beacon and claiming it was the Bolingbrook’s first newspaper. (Someday we’ll tell the real story about The Beacon.)Though the persistence of one reporter, we finally got our interview.

Village President Groseth: Nixon supports me!

It took several phone calls, two visits from the Bolingbrook Police department, and two trips with The Men in Blue, but this reporter finally got an interview with Village President Thomas Groseth!

Groseth: Do you know what time it is?

Reporter: It’s time for your interview with The Babbler!

Groseth: You just won’t give up, won’t you.

Reporter: Absolutely not! Mr. Olson won’t pay me until I get a story. You how inflation is, man.

Groseth: (sighs) OK. Let’s get this over with.

Reporter: What is your favorite thing about being the village president?

Groseth: That’s the first question? OK, um, I really like getting letters from a young man who wants to move to Bolingbrook once he gets his PhD. So every time I hear someone complain at a board meeting, I just think about this young man, and smile. Because someone out there is inspired by our village.

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Robert Schanks (1968)

The year was 1968, the summer of love. Residents were falling in love with their new homes. Visitors flocked to Bolingbrook to read the “far out” stories in The Babbler. Publisher John Olson loved his expanding staff, and The Babbler’s new office across from Totura’s foods.

Nineteen-sixty-eight was also the year of violence and chaos. Inside Bolingbrook, space hippies tired to corrupt the minds of our children. Outside, unsavory elements, edged on by communist mind control satellites, rioted in the streets of Chicago. Young people turned to crime, rock music, and drugs.

Bolingbrook residents demanded order. Bolingbrook’s politicians delivered. They founded the first police department in 1968. Trustee Robert Schanks then led a rebellion against Village President Jack Leonard to buy a new police car.

Then later in the year, Schanks unleashed Bolingbrook’s ultimate tool for law and order. He introduced it during his first and only in depth interview with The Babbler.

Village President Schanks unveils the Men in Blue!

A Bolingbrook Babbler exclusive!

We were warned to expect something unusual when Village President Robert Schanks summed us for an exclusive. So we hid one reporter in his office while another reporter conducted the interview. As you will see, our hidden reporter came out with the story Schanks doesn’t want you to read!

Schanks: Thank you for coming here on short notice.

Reporter: No problem. I’ve always wanted to interview you, but you never returned my calls!

Schanks: Are you the one who calls around midnight.

Reporter: You bet. Because you never take my calls at work, before work, during dinner, after dinner--

Schanks: I get the picture.

Reporter: So, is it true that the Bolingbrook police will be given special training to deal with the local space hippie commune?

Schanks (chuckles): No. I have something better.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Jack Leonard (1965)

For our Mayors of Bolingbrook special report, we’re starting with Jack Leonard, Bolingbrook’s first village president, as mayors were called back then. Leonard was instrumental in persuading the Trilateral Commission to found Bolingbrook as a cover for Clow UFO Base. Not only was he the first police chief, he also was the first temporal monitor, weredeer control officer, and alien greeter. Historians to this day do not know how he managed to get any sleep.

This interview occurred on the evening of Bolingbrook’s founding in 1965. Which was also the day the first issue of The Babbler came out. It is was conducted by John Olson, our first publisher.

Village President denies being a Soviet patsy!

Publisher escapes arrest and certain brainwashing!

Publisher John Olson crashed the village trustee’s celebration of Colonial Estates’ loss of freedom under the newly formed “village” of Bolingbrook. We have the exclusive transcript!

Olson: I have a question Village President Jack.

Leonard: Who are you?

Olson: I am the publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler, which my junior reporter his handing out.

Trustee: How can we have a second newspaper? The voters only just approved incorporation.

Olson: Whenever an oppressive liberal government forms, the press rises up to oppose it.

Leonard: We haven’t even had a meeting yet.

Trustee: And what kind of name is The Babbler anyway?

Olson: As in a babbling brook! What kind of name is Bolingbrook anyway?

Richard Saunders crushed at Clow UFO Base

Richard Saunders photographed at Clow UFO Base
By Reporter X

Richard Saunders, co-host of The Skeptic Zone, was released from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after his failed attempt to lift a UFO crushed 99% of his bones.

“It was horrible!” Said DocRak, an eyewitness from the Andromeda Confederation. One moment he was bracing himself under a scout craft, and asking for the clamps to be released. The next the craft was on the ground, and I couldn’t see Richard!”

Rescue crews managed lift the UFO off of Saunders crushed body, and started emergency body reconstruction. After a few minutes, Saunders was able to reply, “Except for the fact that I can't feel anything, I think I'm doing OK.”

Saunders was then taken to Clow’s medical facility and released after a few hours. Sources told The Babbler that Saunders’s loves his new body, and asked when this medical technology would be made available to the rest of the world.

“He fully appreciated that under human medicine, he would be dead, and we would be mailing his remains in an envelope.” Said a source. “Here, we were able to fix him, and now he can go back to convincing Australians that UFOs aren’t real.”

Saunders was at Clow to explain to the ambassador of the Martian Colonies that Power Balance Bands don’t use illegally obtained Martian technology. Saunders’s explained that Earth’s holographic bands have no special powers and rely on the placebo effect. Though the Martians have advanced holographic technology, even their devices can’t duplicate the claims Earth manufacturers make.

As the skeptical ambassador watched, Saunders demonstrated the tricks used by some sellers of holographic bands and pendents.

“It was amazing.” Said QiDo, an observer. “It looked like he was giving his male friend extra balance, and super strength. Then he explained how it was done. Even we, who travel the stars, can be fooled.”

For the ultimate demonstration, Saunders asked if he could borrow the ambassador’s craft. Wearing a Power Balance Band, he was unable to push the craft and it’s mobile landing clamps. Saunders then asked that his assistant turn on a Higgs Boson inhibitor and point it at the craft. Higgs Boson inhibitors are used to reduce the mass of spacecrafts, thus allowing them to fly near the speed of light before activating their warp drives. Sources said that Saunders thought the device would reduce the weight of the craft, allowing him to lift the craft.

Instead, the craft’s weight was unchanged, and Saunders was crushed under several thousand tons of alien steel.

Investigators believe the inhibitor was sabotaged. Though they have no suspects, sources close to the investigation suspect someone from the Martian Colonies.

“Some colonists are looking for an excuse to start a war with Earth. They see these holographic bands as an excuse to start such a war. Richard’s demonstration could have derailed their plans. So it’s natural to assume that they tried to have him ‘accidentally’ killed.”

According to several eyewitnesses, after Saunders’s was released, he told Clow officials that he now fully understood the importance of his efforts to rid the world of holographic bands.

“I have to save the world!”

When finally reached for comment, Saunders laughed and denied ever visiting Bolingbrook.

“If you have evidence for your claims, then James Randi Educational Foundation and The Australian Skeptics have prizes for you.” Said Saunders. “Anyone can use the money, right?”

When asked if he would take The Babbler’s $5 Dollar Challenge, Saunders explained, “It’s almost impossible to prove a negative. That’s probably why The Skeptics Guide to The Universe won’t accept your challenge. You have to make a positive claim and then present evidence for that claim. I’m sorry but the burden of proof is on your tabloid. Wait! Who are you and why are you sitting next to my friend?”

A women in the background replied, “That’s my husband, and he’s been with me the entire time!”

“Wow!” Replied Saunders. “This is a real life example of the gorilla video!

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler starts Mayors of Bolingbrook series
Bolingbrook for Tea calls for end to Bolingbrook’s ‘socialized fire department’
Number Crunchers finally write about The Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/11/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Bolingbrook officials celebrate defeat of Denver Ordinance 300

This image wasn't enough to convince Denver to build their own UFO Base
By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar not only celebrated the Republican's landslide victory yesterday, he also celebrated the defeat of Denver's UFO ordinance.

"Everyone knows you don't fund a UFO base with public funds!" Exclaimed Claar at the Extraterrestrial Republican Association victory party, held at Clow. "You use covert funds, and you damn well don't tell the entire city about your plans!"

The ordinance, if passed, would have created a commission specifically tasked with gathering evidence for alien visitations, and to decide if Denver should try to initiate contact with them. Supporters claim that the US government is covering up evidence of extraterrestrial visits and felt that the commission could expose the truth.

Jeff Peckman, the man behind the initiative, is quoted in Opposing Views as saying that Denver needed a plan to deal with alien visitations.

"Up until now, it was just: Let's send John Elway out to meet 'em." He was quoted in Opposing Views.

He has cited a video of alien peeping tom and the celebrity UFO sightings as proof of alien visitation. Some have suggested that a skeptic group's reenactment of his alien video is proof of a cover-up.

"There's a reason aliens don't want to be revealed to the public." Said Don X. Caulfield of The Bolingbrook Office of Extraterrestrial Affairs. "Until the human race fully embraces science and discards irrationalism, they want their presence here to be a secret. Not only does this project waste thousands of dollars of legitimate taxpayer dollars, it endangers lives of all Denver residents. Good thing it was voted down."

Claar also denied that he opposed Ordinance 300 because it could have resulted in the construction of a UFO base larger than Clow.

"We have a quality facility in Bolingbrook, which not only has the most space of all Urban UFO bases, but offers the best amenities of any base in the world. Clow is the Bolingbrook Golf Club of UFO bases and it will take more than size to top our quality service. Besides, we can always add on to it if someone tries to build a bigger base."

Caulfield says that the big winner in the Initiative campaign is skeptic Karen Stollznow. He credits her Naked Skeptic column for singlehandedly turning Denver residents against the proposal.

"She's made the move from columnist, Linguistics PhD holder, host of two podcasts, monster investigator, and Skepchick to political pundit! If she keeps up the good work, the powers that be could turn her into the next Dr. Rachel Maddow or the next Dr. Laura!"

When this reporter left a message for Stollznow, she called back at 2 AM and replied, "Let see how you like being called afterhours! Why do the purveyor of woo think it is OK to call me at any time of the night?"

Peckman couldn't be reached for comment, though a person at the election party said, "If people can be convinced that Obama is a godless socialist Muslim, we can eventually convince Denver of the importance of being ready for alien visitations!"

Also in The Babbler's Election Edition:

Alien corporations want 'return on investment' from Republicans
Sources: Democrats flood suicide hotlines
Tea Party to Babbler: Don't make fun of are spelling!
Oberweis: I should have run for something!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Babbler to celebrate 12th anniversary of the first online story

By Publisher Chris Olson

Twelve years ago this month, The Bolingbrook Babbler posted its first article on the Internet. Granted it was part of a staff member’s personal web page, and we wouldn’t start regular posting of articles until 1999. Still, it was milestone in our long history, and, more importantly, we were bringing the truth about Bolingbrook to a worldwide audience.

To celebrate, we’re reprint our first interviews with each of Bolingbrook’s mayors? Why? Because some skeptics, amazingly, don’t believe that we are as old as Bolingbrook. They want proof! Well, we’re going to give them proof over nine days.

This is most ambitious web project to date. It’s been made more difficult with ghosts of The Phantom Press harassing our staff member. Despite their efforts, we are finished with the coding, and we will launch our series this Sunday. And to ghosts out there, remember this. We have Anti-psych kitty, and we’re not afraid to use him!

For the rest of you, we hope you will enjoy this look into Bolingbrook’s past as much as we have. I think you will see that the truth has always been unbelievable, and we’ve been there to cover it.

Also in The Babbler:

Randy Moss spotted at Clow UFO Base
Bonnie: I won’t get signatures from zombies!
Sources: Claar lobbying to be UN Ambassador to extraterrestrials
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/5/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.