Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2010!



Every December, The Bolingbrook Babbler convenes a panel of psychics to report on their visions for the New Year. Last year, our psychics predicted the impeachment of Governor Rod Blagojevich, The Bears failing to make the Super Bowl, and the reelection of Mayor Roger Claar.

Some so-called skeptics will point out that we also predicted that Claar would deplete his campaign fund and that he would face 524 candidates in the election. While true, it should be pointed out that Claar has taken in $5 million dollars in campaign donations since 1999, but now only has $1 million dollars. Sure our psychics were off by 523, but who else predicted that Mayor Claar would have an opponent in 2009?

Our psychics' visions are not always clear, and we try our best to interpret them. Sometimes we have to wait until the year ends before we can fully understand their visions.

So without further ado, we present our panel’s predictions for 2010

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The Lisle Sun starts off the year by announcing the results of the 2008 election.

“No one complained when we printed a 20 day old press release.” The editor will say. “Who says news has to be recent? Besides, it’s cheaper to print an old story, than to write a new story. We have to watch the bottom line.”

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The Skeptics Guide to the Universe hosts will finally respond to The Babbler's $5 Challenge.  Dr. Steven Novella will try to deliver a long winded explanation why they can't accept the challenge.

Jay Novella will interrupt him, and say to Babbler columnist Dale Onofrey, "Dude, just shut the (Expletive Deleted) up!  That all you have to say, Steve."

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Fed up with Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook's constant attacks, Claar travels to Britain to file a libel suit against them.

“Sure Illinois law prevents me from collecting any money.” Claar will say. “But it will be worth it just to say that I won a lawsuit against Bonnie!”

Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook will respond by trying to file a countersuit in British Columbia, Canada.

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Following the approval of the new Navistar Headquarters, some Lisle residents will start rioting. The rioters will target the Lucent Technology building, The Reagan Tollway, and all Lisle gas stations that sell diesel.

Mayor Joe Broda will declare martial law and suspend the village charter. Days after the riots, Broda will maintain martial law, “Because there are still troublemakers out there, and I don’t want them disrupting the reconstruction effort.”

After two months of martial law, Governor Pat Quinn will travel to Lisle with the remaining units of the Illinois National Guard so he can “liberate the voters!” Broda will restore the village charter in exchange for immunity.

Navistar will consider the riots an unexpected benefit because the taxpayers will pay for the demolition of the ruined Lucent complex. The national government will also give them disaster relief funds to build a brand new complex and buy the land outright.

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Skepchick blogger Elyse Anders will be escorted to a TV studio, thinking that she’s going to host a Tim Minchin special.

Instead the producers will put her in the middle of the set, and reveal that she is really a guest on Gordon Ramsay’s Great American Meat-in. It is a live Fox special where Chef Ramsay attempts convert vegetarians and vegans into meat eaters.

Angered by deception, Elyse launches a tirade against Ramsay on live TV. The two will set the Guinness World Record for the most bleeped out obscenities in a single televised segment. The segment will end with Elyse’s husband brawling with Ramsay.

After the show, Ramsay drops all charges against Elyse’s husband, and Fox settles for an undisclosed amount.

“I’m glad things worked out.” Elyse will say. “Gordon gave me some simple vegetarian recipes as his way of saying sorry. Still, I don’t know why people are so obsessed with my diet? It’s not like I’m a PeTA member.”

Elyse will also explain why she turned down several reality TV show offers.

“It’s one thing to occasionally post an embarrassing picture of yourself on the Internet. It’s another to have a production team trying to turn you into an embarrassing character.”

By the end of the year, Elyse will be making progress towards getting her own TV talk show.

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The Jenny McCarthy Show has a disastrous debut when she interviews a doctor she thinks is sympathetic to her anti-vaccinations views. Due to an intern’s mistake, McCarthy will really be interviewing Juanita Nogales, a south side Chicago immunologist who specializes in childhood diseases.

Nogales will shred McCarthy’s arguments, and attack her so-called “Mommy Instinct.”

“My patients are my children.” She will say. “When nature is trying to kill my children by giving them mumps and polio, my mommy instinct doesn’t say wave my hands and give them distilled water. It says to do everything I can to train their little immune systems to defend themselves!”

Nogales will finish the interview by accusing McCarthy of really working for the pharmaceutical industry because the industry makes more money off of sick children, then they do from vaccines.

Though The Jenny McCarthy Show’s ratings will recover, Nogales will become a media sensation, and a powerful voice for childhood vaccinations. Many mother will listen to her interviews, and wonder if the pro-vaccination view is also a pro-child position viewpoint.

During an interview, Nogales will say, “Ooh! Ooh! Look at the cute baby!” To the horror of the anti-vaccination movement, “Ooh! Ooh! Look at the cute baby!” will become the catch phrase of 2010.

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Despite Rep. Michele Bachmann proclaiming that the 2010 election will be the “Waterloo of the Tea Baggers,” The Republicans will take both houses of Congress. The Tea Baggers will almost immediately be disillusioned when The Republicans will take impeachment off the table, and propose a “single payer” health care plan.

The plan will actually make it easy for one private insurance company to gain a monopoly over all health care.

“We don’t really care about Health Care.” Speaker of the House elect Jim Oberweis will say. “We just want to see Dennis Kucinich vote against a single payer plan.”

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In November of 2010, The Babbler will celebrate 12 years on the Internet.  The Bolingbrook Sun will ignore the anniversary and The Bolingbrook Bugle will write a short snide editorial.

Also in The Babbler

Brett Favre grows clone for spare parts!
Claar cleared in “Santa Scandal”
Bolingbrook reports reduction in drunk alien incidents
Wheaton to unveil Second Coming Contingency Plan
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/2/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Web Exclusive: Two dead following meeting with Lisle’s trees!

Lisle’s Council of Trees killed two people during a meeting about relocating Navistar’s headquarters to Lisle.

Sources say that during the meeting in Morton Arboretum, the trees were unimpressed with both sides of the debate and killed a representative from each side. The trees then consumed the bodies and told the surviving representatives to take a break and come back when both sides were ready to seriously present their cases.

“I’ve never seen anything like it.” Said Joe Parkerson, a bodyguard for Mayor Joe Broda. “They usually wait a day, and then send a human-tree hybrid assassin to kill someone. The Council was really mad today.”

Sources agree that Broda invited two representatives from each side to speak to the Council. Most Lisle observers agree that the Council of Trees is the governing body of Lisle, and the Village Trustees are merely following the Council’s instructions. It is rare for outsiders to meet with the Council, which is located deep within Morton Arboretum.

“The mayor actually let the visitors see him kneel and summon the trees!” Said Parkerson. “He has a commanding public image, and yet there he was, on his knees. Saying that he was nothing before the ancient and powerful trees of Lisle.”

When the trees arrived, a Navistar representative spoke first.

“He started to speak.” Said Parkerson, “But then the trees kept asking him about diesel emissions from the testing facility. He kept saying, ‘I don’t know,’ over and over. They weren’t pleased.”

The sources agree that the trees eventually said that the representative’s lack of preparation insulted them. A tree guard swiped a razor sharp branch at the representative, slicing his head off.

The other Navistar representative told The Babbler, “We hoped to dazzle the trees with our commitment to planting new trees to offset some of our carbon footprint. Looking back, it would have been prudent to actually research the amount of diesel the facility could release into Lisle.”

The anti-Navistar representative, though shaken at watching someone’s death, seemed confident in her argument. She started by saying that the extra traffic, noise, and diesel fumes from the testing facility would harm the autistic students at Giant Steps Illinois. She added the diesel fumes are so dangerous that they could create health problems within a 50 mile radius. She concluded by saying that the new headquarters would destroy trees and create “negative energy in Lisle.”

The trees, according to the sources, told her that they were not “hippie” trees, and that the death of other trees was not always a bad thing.

They then asked her several questions. One of the trees wanted to know why Giant Steps Illinois in Lisle is located less than a mile from I-88 if diesel fumes are so harmful to autistic students. She replied that the facility would produce more fumes than the interstate because the facility would be running 24 hours a day, is closer than the interstate, and has a large 162,000 gallon storage tank.

Another tree asked her about diesel in the Lisle area. He noted that no one from Lisle complained when Bolingbrook expanded its truck stop.

“It stores diesel, has heavy truck traffic, and is less than 50 miles from Lisle. Shouldn’t you be worried about the fumes from that truck stop?”

Another tree chimed in that there are diesel cars in Lisle, and gas stations that sell diesel as well. Not to mention the Metra trains that pass through Lisle every day.

“Why aren’t you working to ban all diesel in Lisle?” Asked this tree.

The anti-Navistar representative said she hadn’t thought about those questions.

“Your lack of thought insults us!” Said a tree before impaling her with a sharp branch.

“I was so mad.” Said Juan, the surviving Navistar critic. “The DuPage politicians have even corrupted our trees! It was a good thing we didn’t bring any autistic children along. Who knows what those sociopathic trees would have done?”

The Council then ruled that while there are issues with “diesel spewing machines,” some of those machines bring in humans who feed CO2 to the trees.

“Come back in the spring when you are ready to present well researched and throughly thought out arguments!”

When asked to comment, Broda screamed at this reporter, then made a phone call.

“Kim.” Said Broda, “How do I scare off the Bolingbrook reporters? Screaming at them doesn’t work. What is your secret?”

After listening for a few seconds, Broda walked up and said, “You had better leave now, or else I will teach you a new form of pole dancing!”

Broda then paused for a second, turned red, and then said into the phone, “I don’t think that came out right.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Mythbuster crashes UFO into Bolingbrook!


By Reporter X

Adam Savage, cohost of The Discovery Channel’s Mythbusters, crashed a class K09 Class UFO into Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base.

Although the spectacular fireball could been seen up to five miles away, no one died in the crash, and Clow was operational after one hour of covering up the accident.

According to a Clow space traffic controller, Savage sent out a distress signal Saturday morning.

“I was chatting with a Vega freighter, when I heard this human screaming for help.” Said the officer, who asked not to be identified. “My thought was, ‘Oh great, an abductee must have grabbed the controls of a space ship.’ Then he started spouting Martian flight codes, so I figured something was really off.”

Savage told the officer that his compass was spinning, and his navigation system was malfunctioning.

“I asked him if he was flying a K09, and he said yes. I told him that was his problem. The K09 is incompatible with the Earth’s magnetic field.”

The officer cleared Savage for an emergency landing at Clow. After guiding Savage into Bolingbrook air space, the craft’s propulsion system failed, and it crashed into the civilian airport runway.

“I knew (Mayor) Roger (Claar) wasn’t going to be happy with this.”

According to Savage, now recovering at the Clow medical lab, he was split in half as he blown out of the craft.

“I remember looking down, and feeling lighter than normal. Then I hit the ground. Now that really hurt. Then I felt something hit my head. I opened by eyes and saw my crotch in front of me. Now I’m not that flexible, so I kind of realized what was going on and thought I was going to die. Which reminds me, you know the myth about your life flashing by you when you’re dying? Busted.”

Savage credits Clow advanced medical equipment for saving his life. Clow’s doctors were able to reattach Savage’s lower body and replace most of his organs. Savage says it he’s sore, but has no scars or permanent damage from the accident.

“Sure, at the time it was horrifying, but now I can look at the high speed and go, ‘I was split in half! Cool!’”

According to Savage, The Mythbusters were filming a commercial for the interstellar broadcast of the Super Bowl. LoGock Industries wanted them to “bust” the myth that the K09 malfunctions once it reaches Earth. The ad was to be similar to the Diesel Diary ads on their web site. Savage and the Build Team went to Mars to assemble a K09 from a kit.  Savage would then fly the craft back to Earth while the rest of the team followed in a more modern craft.

This reporter managed to listen into a teleconference between the build team and a LoGock representative. The insurance representative accused the Mythbusters of deliberately crashing the craft.

“You are always blowing things up!” Sad the representative. “If you did a story about bunny reproduction, you guys would find a way to include an explosion!”

Tory Belleci objected. “Some times we just set things on fire!”

Added Grant Imahara, “We followed the instructions exactly. Any problems are due to your design. Besides, we wouldn’t have crashed a ship with Adam in it. We would have waited until he landed at Area 51 and then crashed the ship by remote control.”

The representative sounded unimpressed. “Maybe if Kari hadn’t been forced to stay on Earth and feed a parasite, we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“That’s my baby!” Yelled Kari Byron over the screen from her home. Byron, who was feeding her daughter, defended the Build Team, saying that she oversaw their work by reviewing their daily transmissions from Mars.

“Even though Jessi can’t replace me, I think she did a good job with the metal work.”

“I don’t want to replace you!” Protested Jessi Combs. “I just want my own spin-off show!”

Mayor Claar briefly visited Savage in the hospital. He claimed to have never seen Mythbusters, then asked, “Are you related to Michael Savage?”

When asked to comment, fellow Mythbuster Jamie Hyneman laughed and said that Savage was standing next to him.

“I think the myth that The Bolingbrook Babbler is a reliable source of information is throughly busted!”

Also in The Babbler:

Snow spirits trap Skepchick Elyse in her home
God accepts responsibility for Bear’s poor season
North Pole officials investigate Claar for “Santa Tampering”
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/25/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Web Exclusive: Real aliens review ‘Avatar’


By Reporter X

James Cameron's ‘Avatar’ is receiving mixed reviews from Clow UFO Base’s extraterrestrials.

“It has so-so special effects, and a weak plot, even by human standards.” Said Dapu of the Lao Confederation. “I give it two and half sacrifices.”

Many of the aliens took issue with Cameron’s depiction of the Na’vi race in the film.

“They look like blue humans with living network connections!” Said Pacok Nolck, an eight armed being. “Sure there are many biped races in the Milky Way, but not all of them evolved from primates! These Na’vi also have human eyes, human noses, and human lips. They even kiss their lovers! Come on! Not all human cultures accept kissing.  Yet these aliens just happen to accept kissing?”

Unlike human critics, the aliens interviewed for this article did not have a problem the female lead falling in love with the human lead’s avatar.

“It’s been my experience that if you build the right shell, some creature will try to mate with you.” Said Elbroose, an anthropologist from the Empire of the Core. “I do take issue with the Na’vi and humans having the same kinds of sex organs. Actually, the majority of reproduction among the galaxy’s races involves three genders.”

Interstellar biologist Swgo Bago praised the luminescent plants depicted in the film, but says the film has a major flaw. “What is with the green trees? Not all jungles have trees, and not all plants are green! On my planet, for example, all the plants are black so they can absorb the maximum amount of sunlight. It’s like the director thought up some cool creatures, then got lazy and filled the screen with trees!”

Many of the aliens, however, did praise the film’s anti-imperialism message.

“It’s like your golden rule.” Said Hipack. “There’s always a more advance race out there watching you. The only reason a race survives is because an advanced race decided not to kill it. So you should always return the favor to other less advanced races.”

Added Okah, “If you nurture a less advance race, they can grow up to become powerful allies. That’s why we help out Earthlings. Because someday they will be so grateful for the transistor that they will join us in our great interstellar wars!”

Gogak raised another point. “If you can travel faster than the speed of light, why waste time with inhabited planets? There are lots of mineral rich dead planets out there. Why bother with the natives? At best they’re an annoyance, and at worse, they’ll accidentally find a way to wipe you out.”

All the aliens agreed that “Avatar” represents a milestone in the evolution of human movies.

“James Cameron has brought humanity a step closer to holographic projection entertainment. You humans will enjoy 3D without the glasses. Those things give both of my brains a headache.” Said Gogak.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Space aliens vow to defeat 11th District Illinois House candidate


By Reporter X

A group of space aliens have formed a political action committee to defeat state representative candidate Ann M. Williams.

As Assistant Attorney General, she successfully prosecuted five Cook County Interstellar Consulate officials for corruption in Illinois’s Black Ops court. Her efforts lead to the consulate being merged with the Chicago Interstellar Consulate, and the loss of dozens of patronage jobs.

The newly formed PAC, Cook County for Interstellar Harmony, wants revenge against the 11th State House District candidate.

“We spent a fortune bribing Cook County officials!” Said Ok-Ia. “We saved Cook County residents millions in taxes. Then Ann Williams thanked us by shutting down the Cook County Consulate! Chicago officials won’t even send us Contact Day cards!”

Under current interstellar treaties, aliens are allowed to make donations to candidates, but the funds can only be used to campaign to naturalized space aliens only. Critics say some candidates have skirted the law by using alien funds for events that humans can also attend.

CCFIH leaders say they will not give money to Williams’s opponents, but they did concede that human “volunteers” will be allowed to use their offices to “spontaneously” organize against Williams.

One such volunteer asked to be identified as Eddy. She used to be employed at the Cook County Interstellar Consulate, but now works as a temp.

“I used to have a good job.” Said Eddy. “Thanks to Ann, I now have to work for the private sector. It’s terrible. Do you realize that you can be fired for having sex in a stairwell during work hours? It’s terrible! She’s put me through hell, and I will do my best to defeat her! Hi Ed!”

V’bok, a political pundit from Alpha Centauri, notes that there are aliens who support Williams.

“The Cook County Interstellar Consulate was a joke.” Said V’bok. “It was just a way for commissioners to cash in on interstellar trade. Thanks to Williams, it’s much easier to do business in Chicago.”

V’bok says there are issues with the Chicago Interstellar Consulate, but he says it has much better international oversight. He also credits the Daley family for realizing that meddling in alien politics could endanger both Chicago and their political machines.

“Because Cook County didn’t realize this, they’ve lost out on interstellar trade, and set back Chicago’s efforts to build their own urban UFO base. This means Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base will maintain it’s status as Chicagoland’s major interstellar hub for decades!”

When this reporter tried to reach Williams at her campaign office, she was busy talking to voters.

Her campaign manager talked about Williams’s commitment remaining an “independent Democrat.” When asked about CCFIH, the manager grabbed some flyers and said. “OK. I’ll see if Ann will meet you at the sushi restaurant down the street. In the meantime, why don’t you look at these flyers and see if you can find the hidden messages? They should answer most of your questions.”

Williams did not show up at the restaurant, and as of the deadline, The Babbler’s experts have not been able to decode the hidden messages in her flyers.

Also in The Babbler:

UFO in Norwegian incident being repaired at Clow UFO base
Sources: Skeptic Phil Plait considering offer to replace Oprah

Lisle trees reconsider support for Navistar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/20/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

CFBB blames malfunctioning android for Election Board loss


While publicly attacking the Bolingbrook Election Board for rejecting their districting petition, sources say Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook really blames a malfunctioning android.

The sources, who have connections with members of CFBB, say that CFBB acquired an android from Bolingbrook’s secret robot factory. CFBB disguised the android as one of their members, and then uploaded Illinois’s election code into its memory.

“They thought they could save money on legal fees by using the stolen android.” Said a source named Barney. “They would upload the information and then it would make the perfect legal argument. They thought Roger wouldn’t stand a chance.”

At the hearing, the android acted confused, and seemed unprepared. It claimed to have turned in 1,378 signatures. Village Clerk Carol Penning pointed out to the android that even if all the pages he had turned in were filled in, there would only be about 1200 signatures. The android replied, “But not all the pages were filled in!”

“We were given a piece of junk!” Said Riley, another CFBB source. “Obviously it wasn’t reprogramed to help us. It still had subroutines loyal to Roger!”

“Because of its poor performance,” said Benny, another source, “we looked like a bunch of idiots! It is a good thing that most of our followers only get their news from our web site, and most residents don’t read the local papers!”

Robotics expert Fritz Carman disputes CFBB’s claim that the android malfunctioned. “They uploaded the wrong legal code. Because their petition used the word ‘shall,’ that means if the voters approved it, Bolingbrook would have to be divided into six districts. That means they had to follow the municipal code. They uploaded the election code instead. If anything, the android performed beyond expectations! Any other model’s processor would have caught on fire.”

Carman also noted that CFBB did not upload the number of Bolingbrook’s general election votes from DuPage County. That also confused the android.

“These people have no business programing an android, let alone running for public office!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar, who chairs the Election Board, replied, “I guess they needed to hire a robotics expert as well as a lawyer. I hope residents now understand why the village spends so much money on a competent lawyer.”

Bonnie Alicea, spokesperson for CFBB denied that the group sent an android to the Election Board meeting.

“Roger Claar illegally reinterpreted a written piece that I re-appropriated from the residents of Lockport! It was written to generate enough signatures to get on to the ballot, and every word should it have been interpreted towards that goal! Any other election board would have known to use the election code because it required fewer signatures to get on the ballot.”

Sources within the Village of Bolingbrook say that Claar is leading an investigation into how CFBB managed to acquire an android from the underground factory.

Also in The Babbler:

Arlington Heights homeopath accidentally gives patient real medicine
Former mayor Rosenthal: My nanite wallpaper saved the village millions of dollars!
Oswego man catches pit bull flu
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/17/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.