Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Web Exclusive: Two dead following meeting with Lisle’s trees!

Lisle’s Council of Trees killed two people during a meeting about relocating Navistar’s headquarters to Lisle.

Sources say that during the meeting in Morton Arboretum, the trees were unimpressed with both sides of the debate and killed a representative from each side. The trees then consumed the bodies and told the surviving representatives to take a break and come back when both sides were ready to seriously present their cases.

“I’ve never seen anything like it.” Said Joe Parkerson, a bodyguard for Mayor Joe Broda. “They usually wait a day, and then send a human-tree hybrid assassin to kill someone. The Council was really mad today.”

Sources agree that Broda invited two representatives from each side to speak to the Council. Most Lisle observers agree that the Council of Trees is the governing body of Lisle, and the Village Trustees are merely following the Council’s instructions. It is rare for outsiders to meet with the Council, which is located deep within Morton Arboretum.

“The mayor actually let the visitors see him kneel and summon the trees!” Said Parkerson. “He has a commanding public image, and yet there he was, on his knees. Saying that he was nothing before the ancient and powerful trees of Lisle.”

When the trees arrived, a Navistar representative spoke first.

“He started to speak.” Said Parkerson, “But then the trees kept asking him about diesel emissions from the testing facility. He kept saying, ‘I don’t know,’ over and over. They weren’t pleased.”

The sources agree that the trees eventually said that the representative’s lack of preparation insulted them. A tree guard swiped a razor sharp branch at the representative, slicing his head off.

The other Navistar representative told The Babbler, “We hoped to dazzle the trees with our commitment to planting new trees to offset some of our carbon footprint. Looking back, it would have been prudent to actually research the amount of diesel the facility could release into Lisle.”

The anti-Navistar representative, though shaken at watching someone’s death, seemed confident in her argument. She started by saying that the extra traffic, noise, and diesel fumes from the testing facility would harm the autistic students at Giant Steps Illinois. She added the diesel fumes are so dangerous that they could create health problems within a 50 mile radius. She concluded by saying that the new headquarters would destroy trees and create “negative energy in Lisle.”

The trees, according to the sources, told her that they were not “hippie” trees, and that the death of other trees was not always a bad thing.

They then asked her several questions. One of the trees wanted to know why Giant Steps Illinois in Lisle is located less than a mile from I-88 if diesel fumes are so harmful to autistic students. She replied that the facility would produce more fumes than the interstate because the facility would be running 24 hours a day, is closer than the interstate, and has a large 162,000 gallon storage tank.

Another tree asked her about diesel in the Lisle area. He noted that no one from Lisle complained when Bolingbrook expanded its truck stop.

“It stores diesel, has heavy truck traffic, and is less than 50 miles from Lisle. Shouldn’t you be worried about the fumes from that truck stop?”

Another tree chimed in that there are diesel cars in Lisle, and gas stations that sell diesel as well. Not to mention the Metra trains that pass through Lisle every day.

“Why aren’t you working to ban all diesel in Lisle?” Asked this tree.

The anti-Navistar representative said she hadn’t thought about those questions.

“Your lack of thought insults us!” Said a tree before impaling her with a sharp branch.

“I was so mad.” Said Juan, the surviving Navistar critic. “The DuPage politicians have even corrupted our trees! It was a good thing we didn’t bring any autistic children along. Who knows what those sociopathic trees would have done?”

The Council then ruled that while there are issues with “diesel spewing machines,” some of those machines bring in humans who feed CO2 to the trees.

“Come back in the spring when you are ready to present well researched and throughly thought out arguments!”

When asked to comment, Broda screamed at this reporter, then made a phone call.

“Kim.” Said Broda, “How do I scare off the Bolingbrook reporters? Screaming at them doesn’t work. What is your secret?”

After listening for a few seconds, Broda walked up and said, “You had better leave now, or else I will teach you a new form of pole dancing!”

Broda then paused for a second, turned red, and then said into the phone, “I don’t think that came out right.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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