Saturday, December 19, 2009

Web Exclusive: Real aliens review ‘Avatar’


By Reporter X

James Cameron's ‘Avatar’ is receiving mixed reviews from Clow UFO Base’s extraterrestrials.

“It has so-so special effects, and a weak plot, even by human standards.” Said Dapu of the Lao Confederation. “I give it two and half sacrifices.”

Many of the aliens took issue with Cameron’s depiction of the Na’vi race in the film.

“They look like blue humans with living network connections!” Said Pacok Nolck, an eight armed being. “Sure there are many biped races in the Milky Way, but not all of them evolved from primates! These Na’vi also have human eyes, human noses, and human lips. They even kiss their lovers! Come on! Not all human cultures accept kissing.  Yet these aliens just happen to accept kissing?”

Unlike human critics, the aliens interviewed for this article did not have a problem the female lead falling in love with the human lead’s avatar.

“It’s been my experience that if you build the right shell, some creature will try to mate with you.” Said Elbroose, an anthropologist from the Empire of the Core. “I do take issue with the Na’vi and humans having the same kinds of sex organs. Actually, the majority of reproduction among the galaxy’s races involves three genders.”

Interstellar biologist Swgo Bago praised the luminescent plants depicted in the film, but says the film has a major flaw. “What is with the green trees? Not all jungles have trees, and not all plants are green! On my planet, for example, all the plants are black so they can absorb the maximum amount of sunlight. It’s like the director thought up some cool creatures, then got lazy and filled the screen with trees!”

Many of the aliens, however, did praise the film’s anti-imperialism message.

“It’s like your golden rule.” Said Hipack. “There’s always a more advance race out there watching you. The only reason a race survives is because an advanced race decided not to kill it. So you should always return the favor to other less advanced races.”

Added Okah, “If you nurture a less advance race, they can grow up to become powerful allies. That’s why we help out Earthlings. Because someday they will be so grateful for the transistor that they will join us in our great interstellar wars!”

Gogak raised another point. “If you can travel faster than the speed of light, why waste time with inhabited planets? There are lots of mineral rich dead planets out there. Why bother with the natives? At best they’re an annoyance, and at worse, they’ll accidentally find a way to wipe you out.”

All the aliens agreed that “Avatar” represents a milestone in the evolution of human movies.

“James Cameron has brought humanity a step closer to holographic projection entertainment. You humans will enjoy 3D without the glasses. Those things give both of my brains a headache.” Said Gogak.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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