Sunday, December 13, 2009

Space aliens vow to defeat 11th District Illinois House candidate


By Reporter X

A group of space aliens have formed a political action committee to defeat state representative candidate Ann M. Williams.

As Assistant Attorney General, she successfully prosecuted five Cook County Interstellar Consulate officials for corruption in Illinois’s Black Ops court. Her efforts lead to the consulate being merged with the Chicago Interstellar Consulate, and the loss of dozens of patronage jobs.

The newly formed PAC, Cook County for Interstellar Harmony, wants revenge against the 11th State House District candidate.

“We spent a fortune bribing Cook County officials!” Said Ok-Ia. “We saved Cook County residents millions in taxes. Then Ann Williams thanked us by shutting down the Cook County Consulate! Chicago officials won’t even send us Contact Day cards!”

Under current interstellar treaties, aliens are allowed to make donations to candidates, but the funds can only be used to campaign to naturalized space aliens only. Critics say some candidates have skirted the law by using alien funds for events that humans can also attend.

CCFIH leaders say they will not give money to Williams’s opponents, but they did concede that human “volunteers” will be allowed to use their offices to “spontaneously” organize against Williams.

One such volunteer asked to be identified as Eddy. She used to be employed at the Cook County Interstellar Consulate, but now works as a temp.

“I used to have a good job.” Said Eddy. “Thanks to Ann, I now have to work for the private sector. It’s terrible. Do you realize that you can be fired for having sex in a stairwell during work hours? It’s terrible! She’s put me through hell, and I will do my best to defeat her! Hi Ed!”

V’bok, a political pundit from Alpha Centauri, notes that there are aliens who support Williams.

“The Cook County Interstellar Consulate was a joke.” Said V’bok. “It was just a way for commissioners to cash in on interstellar trade. Thanks to Williams, it’s much easier to do business in Chicago.”

V’bok says there are issues with the Chicago Interstellar Consulate, but he says it has much better international oversight. He also credits the Daley family for realizing that meddling in alien politics could endanger both Chicago and their political machines.

“Because Cook County didn’t realize this, they’ve lost out on interstellar trade, and set back Chicago’s efforts to build their own urban UFO base. This means Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base will maintain it’s status as Chicagoland’s major interstellar hub for decades!”

When this reporter tried to reach Williams at her campaign office, she was busy talking to voters.

Her campaign manager talked about Williams’s commitment remaining an “independent Democrat.” When asked about CCFIH, the manager grabbed some flyers and said. “OK. I’ll see if Ann will meet you at the sushi restaurant down the street. In the meantime, why don’t you look at these flyers and see if you can find the hidden messages? They should answer most of your questions.”

Williams did not show up at the restaurant, and as of the deadline, The Babbler’s experts have not been able to decode the hidden messages in her flyers.

Also in The Babbler:

UFO in Norwegian incident being repaired at Clow UFO base
Sources: Skeptic Phil Plait considering offer to replace Oprah

Lisle trees reconsider support for Navistar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/20/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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