Sunday, December 6, 2009

CFBB blames malfunctioning android for Election Board loss

While publicly attacking the Bolingbrook Election Board for rejecting their districting petition, sources say Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook really blames a malfunctioning android.

The sources, who have connections with members of CFBB, say that CFBB acquired an android from Bolingbrook’s secret robot factory. CFBB disguised the android as one of their members, and then uploaded Illinois’s election code into its memory.

“They thought they could save money on legal fees by using the stolen android.” Said a source named Barney. “They would upload the information and then it would make the perfect legal argument. They thought Roger wouldn’t stand a chance.”

At the hearing, the android acted confused, and seemed unprepared. It claimed to have turned in 1,378 signatures. Village Clerk Carol Penning pointed out to the android that even if all the pages he had turned in were filled in, there would only be about 1200 signatures. The android replied, “But not all the pages were filled in!”

“We were given a piece of junk!” Said Riley, another CFBB source. “Obviously it wasn’t reprogramed to help us. It still had subroutines loyal to Roger!”

“Because of its poor performance,” said Benny, another source, “we looked like a bunch of idiots! It is a good thing that most of our followers only get their news from our web site, and most residents don’t read the local papers!”

Robotics expert Fritz Carman disputes CFBB’s claim that the android malfunctioned. “They uploaded the wrong legal code. Because their petition used the word ‘shall,’ that means if the voters approved it, Bolingbrook would have to be divided into six districts. That means they had to follow the municipal code. They uploaded the election code instead. If anything, the android performed beyond expectations! Any other model’s processor would have caught on fire.”

Carman also noted that CFBB did not upload the number of Bolingbrook’s general election votes from DuPage County. That also confused the android.

“These people have no business programing an android, let alone running for public office!”

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar, who chairs the Election Board, replied, “I guess they needed to hire a robotics expert as well as a lawyer. I hope residents now understand why the village spends so much money on a competent lawyer.”

Bonnie Alicea, spokesperson for CFBB denied that the group sent an android to the Election Board meeting.

“Roger Claar illegally reinterpreted a written piece that I re-appropriated from the residents of Lockport! It was written to generate enough signatures to get on to the ballot, and every word should it have been interpreted towards that goal! Any other election board would have known to use the election code because it required fewer signatures to get on the ballot.”

Sources within the Village of Bolingbrook say that Claar is leading an investigation into how CFBB managed to acquire an android from the underground factory.

Also in The Babbler:

Arlington Heights homeopath accidentally gives patient real medicine
Former mayor Rosenthal: My nanite wallpaper saved the village millions of dollars!
Oswego man catches pit bull flu
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/17/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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