Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Bolingbrook Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2010!



Every December, The Bolingbrook Babbler convenes a panel of psychics to report on their visions for the New Year. Last year, our psychics predicted the impeachment of Governor Rod Blagojevich, The Bears failing to make the Super Bowl, and the reelection of Mayor Roger Claar.

Some so-called skeptics will point out that we also predicted that Claar would deplete his campaign fund and that he would face 524 candidates in the election. While true, it should be pointed out that Claar has taken in $5 million dollars in campaign donations since 1999, but now only has $1 million dollars. Sure our psychics were off by 523, but who else predicted that Mayor Claar would have an opponent in 2009?

Our psychics' visions are not always clear, and we try our best to interpret them. Sometimes we have to wait until the year ends before we can fully understand their visions.

So without further ado, we present our panel’s predictions for 2010

---

The Lisle Sun starts off the year by announcing the results of the 2008 election.

“No one complained when we printed a 20 day old press release.” The editor will say. “Who says news has to be recent? Besides, it’s cheaper to print an old story, than to write a new story. We have to watch the bottom line.”

---

The Skeptics Guide to the Universe hosts will finally respond to The Babbler's $5 Challenge.  Dr. Steven Novella will try to deliver a long winded explanation why they can't accept the challenge.

Jay Novella will interrupt him, and say to Babbler columnist Dale Onofrey, "Dude, just shut the (Expletive Deleted) up!  That all you have to say, Steve."

---

Fed up with Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook's constant attacks, Claar travels to Britain to file a libel suit against them.

“Sure Illinois law prevents me from collecting any money.” Claar will say. “But it will be worth it just to say that I won a lawsuit against Bonnie!”

Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook will respond by trying to file a countersuit in British Columbia, Canada.

---

Following the approval of the new Navistar Headquarters, some Lisle residents will start rioting. The rioters will target the Lucent Technology building, The Reagan Tollway, and all Lisle gas stations that sell diesel.

Mayor Joe Broda will declare martial law and suspend the village charter. Days after the riots, Broda will maintain martial law, “Because there are still troublemakers out there, and I don’t want them disrupting the reconstruction effort.”

After two months of martial law, Governor Pat Quinn will travel to Lisle with the remaining units of the Illinois National Guard so he can “liberate the voters!” Broda will restore the village charter in exchange for immunity.

Navistar will consider the riots an unexpected benefit because the taxpayers will pay for the demolition of the ruined Lucent complex. The national government will also give them disaster relief funds to build a brand new complex and buy the land outright.

----

Skepchick blogger Elyse Anders will be escorted to a TV studio, thinking that she’s going to host a Tim Minchin special.

Instead the producers will put her in the middle of the set, and reveal that she is really a guest on Gordon Ramsay’s Great American Meat-in. It is a live Fox special where Chef Ramsay attempts convert vegetarians and vegans into meat eaters.

Angered by deception, Elyse launches a tirade against Ramsay on live TV. The two will set the Guinness World Record for the most bleeped out obscenities in a single televised segment. The segment will end with Elyse’s husband brawling with Ramsay.

After the show, Ramsay drops all charges against Elyse’s husband, and Fox settles for an undisclosed amount.

“I’m glad things worked out.” Elyse will say. “Gordon gave me some simple vegetarian recipes as his way of saying sorry. Still, I don’t know why people are so obsessed with my diet? It’s not like I’m a PeTA member.”

Elyse will also explain why she turned down several reality TV show offers.

“It’s one thing to occasionally post an embarrassing picture of yourself on the Internet. It’s another to have a production team trying to turn you into an embarrassing character.”

By the end of the year, Elyse will be making progress towards getting her own TV talk show.

---

The Jenny McCarthy Show has a disastrous debut when she interviews a doctor she thinks is sympathetic to her anti-vaccinations views. Due to an intern’s mistake, McCarthy will really be interviewing Juanita Nogales, a south side Chicago immunologist who specializes in childhood diseases.

Nogales will shred McCarthy’s arguments, and attack her so-called “Mommy Instinct.”

“My patients are my children.” She will say. “When nature is trying to kill my children by giving them mumps and polio, my mommy instinct doesn’t say wave my hands and give them distilled water. It says to do everything I can to train their little immune systems to defend themselves!”

Nogales will finish the interview by accusing McCarthy of really working for the pharmaceutical industry because the industry makes more money off of sick children, then they do from vaccines.

Though The Jenny McCarthy Show’s ratings will recover, Nogales will become a media sensation, and a powerful voice for childhood vaccinations. Many mother will listen to her interviews, and wonder if the pro-vaccination view is also a pro-child position viewpoint.

During an interview, Nogales will say, “Ooh! Ooh! Look at the cute baby!” To the horror of the anti-vaccination movement, “Ooh! Ooh! Look at the cute baby!” will become the catch phrase of 2010.

---

Despite Rep. Michele Bachmann proclaiming that the 2010 election will be the “Waterloo of the Tea Baggers,” The Republicans will take both houses of Congress. The Tea Baggers will almost immediately be disillusioned when The Republicans will take impeachment off the table, and propose a “single payer” health care plan.

The plan will actually make it easy for one private insurance company to gain a monopoly over all health care.

“We don’t really care about Health Care.” Speaker of the House elect Jim Oberweis will say. “We just want to see Dennis Kucinich vote against a single payer plan.”

---

In November of 2010, The Babbler will celebrate 12 years on the Internet.  The Bolingbrook Sun will ignore the anniversary and The Bolingbrook Bugle will write a short snide editorial.

Also in The Babbler

Brett Favre grows clone for spare parts!
Claar cleared in “Santa Scandal”
Bolingbrook reports reduction in drunk alien incidents
Wheaton to unveil Second Coming Contingency Plan
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/2/10

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: