Sunday, November 8, 2009

Group: Navistar to build nuclear powered trucks in Lisle!

Citizens for a Better Lisle Inc. today accused Navistar of planning to build nuclear powered trucks in Lisle.

“As Lisle’s newest source for investigative research,” said group spokesperson Donnie Gaulburg, “we are the first to report that Navistar plans on converting the old Lucent Technology building into an untraditional manufacturing facility!”

Navistar, which used to be known as International Harvester, manufactures commercial trucks, and military vehicles. Officially, Navistar wants to move their headquarters into Lucent’s old headquarters in Lisle, and add vehicle testing and preparation buildings. This would also include the construction of a 162,000 gallon liquid storage and waste facility.

Gaulburg claims that the facility will actually store nuclear waste.

“It’s simple. They say it can store hazardous liquids. They also say they will not use traditional manufacturing methods at the site. Nuclear waste can be a hazardous material, and building nuclear trucks require nontraditional manufacturing methods. The government allows storage of nuclear waste onsite. Therefore, the tanks will house nuclear waste.”

Most Navistar employees contacted by The Babbler laughed and hung-up the phone. One, who asked not to be identified, confirmed that Navistar is working on a nuclear powered truck.

She said, “The engine would emit no greenhouse gases, and will have a lot of horsepower! This truck could haul a full 53’ trailer across the country at 200 miles per-hour without refueling! Furthermore, it would use a fusion reactor, not fission, so it would not generate nuclear waste.”

She added, “It’ll be 50 years before we can even begin to design the reactor. Still, the engineering staff likes to dream.”

Navistar, she says, just wants to relocate their headquarters to Lisle.

When asked to comment, Lisle Mayor Joe Broda, a former International Harvester employee, seemed baffled. “I don’t know if I like all publicity you Bolingbrook reporters are giving me.”

Trustee Kim Brondyke was more blunt. “That is the craziest thing I’ve heard since a woman tried to convince me that the mayor is on the Meijer payroll. Where do you guys come up with these stories?”

During the interview, Gaulburg walked into Brondyke’s office, holding a stack of papers.

“You just got served by Lisle’s leading provider of Freedom of Information requests since 2009!” Said Gaulburg.

Brondyke examined the papers, and replied, “My grocery list is not a public document!”

“Our marketing research says our followers believe that any document written by a politician is a public document and should be covered by FOIA.”

“But that’s not what the law says.”

Gaulburg replied, “The Constitution says you have to give us anything we want, or else we have the right to immediately overthrow the Lisle government!”

“No, it doesn’t!”

“You need to work on your American history.”

“You need to work on your cardio.” Replied Brondyke. “I would suggest sprinting for about five minutes before I decide to make you the goal of my own pursuit of happiness!”

Also in The Babbler:

The Babbler remembers Pfc Michael Pearson and the other victims of the Fort Hood shooting

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

car loans said...

Nuclear powered trucks are an environmental problem in the making. They should not manufacture those. Instead, go for hybrid cars.