Sunday, November 15, 2009

Bolingbrook declares “state of emergency’ in response to ‘New Moon’ movie

Fearing that the movie "New Moon" will inspire area teens to date werewolves or vampires, Bolingbrook declared a state of emergency.

Trustee Leroy Brown announced the decision during a symposium at the village hall Saturday night.

“Our fear is that these monsters will take advantage of the young fans of the Twilight series and kill them, or worse.” Said Brown.

The state of emergency frees up funds so all village departments can encourage local teenagers to abstain from dating any monsters. The last time the village declared a similar state of emergency was in 1992, before the release of the role-playing game Vampire: The Masquerade.

Bolingbrook Police officer Ronald Milton, a member of the Supernatural Division, says true vampires are nothing like the vampires in Twilight.

“Vampires can look sexy,” said Milton, “but they cannot have sex, nor do they feel love. The vampires of the Western suburbs are nomads. They seduce their victims, take their blood and then move on.”

Milton says that being bitten by a vampire does not turn its victims into vampires. Nor do vampires kill everyone they feed on.

“I’ve seen too many teenagers scarred for life because a vampire promised to love them forever, only to suck their blood and break whats left of their hearts. It’s so tragic, and yet those liberals in Hollywood glorify them!”

Jenny, who spoke behind a curtain, claimed that she was involved in a love-triangle between a werewolf and a weredeer. She said it was nothing like the affair depicted in “New Moon.”

“Garth the weredeer said he loved me, but he only wanted to take my virginity so I could bear his children. Jeff said he loved me, but he wanted to use me to get to Garth. They never loved me.”

Ellen said the affair ended when Jeff killed Garth, and Jeff tried to kill Jenny. Officer Milton saved her by emptying an M16 clip of silver bullets into Jeff.

Alicia Z. Reed, a spokesperson for Heart Haven Outreach, said H2O is ready to help at-risk-youth traumatized by supernatural monsters.

“My Christian faith inspires me to comfort those who have been touched by the minions of the devil, and drive out the demons that try to possess the soul of our village! But I hope that doesn’t deter people of other faiths from turning to us for help.”

Paula X. Minkski, member of the Bolingbrook Jaycees, says the Jaycees are planning to distribute wolfsbane and garlic to all Bolingbrook teenagers.

“We’re working with the really popular students at Bolingbrook High School to make our garlic and wolfsbane necklaces cool. If we succeed, not only will our young people be protected from monsters, but it will be a phenomenal fund raiser for us!”

An unidentified member of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook stood up during the symposium and suggested that the police department should have a division dedicated to dealing with supernatural monsters.

“That’s my division!” Exclaimed Milton. “I’ve been on it for 20 years and I’d be happy to take Bonnie into the sewers to show her the monsters we protect Bolingbrook from!”

The member said he would report to Bonnie Alicea, and start an investigation. He also added that he liked the Twilight series’ message to young people that they always have a choice in life.

“We will give Bolingbrook a choice between the heroic Bonnie and the evil Roger!”

Brown also announced a new public service announcement that will run on BCTV starting this week. Produced in corporation the G4 cable channel, Brown said it was more graphic than most of the videos released by the village.

“I make no apologizes for releasing a video that tells our youth not to date monsters!”

The Babbler could not reach a representative from the vampires or werewolves for a response.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook’s ghosts give Pfc. Pearson a hero’s welcome
Entrepreneurs fight for the right to sell moon water in Chicago
Scientist: Too much beer turns people into skeptics!
Lisle mayor denies attacking Bolingbrook mayor in Facebook’s Mafia Wars
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/24/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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