Sunday, November 22, 2009

Bolingbrook coalition to launch ‘Don’t Divide us Bonnie’ campaign

A referendum to elect Bolingbrook’s trustees by district hasn’t been certified yet, but opponents have unveiled their campaign. Titled “Don’t Divide us Bonnie,” Citizens for a United Bolingbrook hopes to turn the referendum into a vote against Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook.

“Bonnie has gone too far!” Said Dave Nelson of the Roger Claar Party, which is not affiliated with Mayor Claar. “She wants to carve Bolingbrook into six different districts! In the 1970s, we used to be divided by subdivision. Only when Roger brought us together did we experience unprecedented growth! Don’t take that away from us, Bonnie!”

Ron Y. Emerson, spokesperson for the Al Gore Party, say that the districting plan hurts small parties like his. “Mayor Claar has a huge campaign fund, and popular support. He can find someone to run with him no matter how Bolingbrook is divided, and provide that candidate with plenty of funding. Our supporters are spread throughout Bolingbrook. If we finally manage to get on the ballet, Bonnie’s districting plan would divide our supporters, and make it impossible for us to elect a single trustee candidate.”

CFAUB plans to run several ads on cable TV. The first ad shows alleged Bolingbrook residents standing by Barber’s Corner.

Man1: There is an earthquake coming.
Woman1: They say it could tear us apart.
Man2: It could force families apart!
Woman2: It could raise our taxes.
Woman3: It could force me to get an abortion and enter into a gay marriage.
Man3: But if we vote against Bolingbrook Public Question 1, we will survive the earthquake.
Man1: And say with one voice, “Don’t divide us Bonnie!”

The second ad previewed targets Bolingbrook families:

(A husband and wife stand next to a bed that’s been sawed in half.)
Husband: Thanks to Bonnie’s districting plan, our house will sit on the boundary between two districts.
Wife: Our house and marriage are divided.
(A teenage girl and teenage boy stand on opposites sides of a wall.)
Boyfriend: Thanks to Bonnie, I can’t see my girlfriend because she lives in a different district. My parents think I should only date people in our district.
Girlfriend: Bonnie has ruined my life!
Narrator: Vote No on Bolingbrook Public Question 1 and keep our families and our homes united.
All: Don’t divide us Bonnie!

The third ad makes a questionable comparison between Chicago and Bolingbrook.

(Images of riots, fires, crime, and corrupt Chicago politicians)
Narrator: Since Chicago was divided into wards, crime, corruption, and panhandlers have skyrocketed. Chicago’s aldermen only care about serving their own wards, and not the good of Chicago. Now Bonnie wants to divide Bolingbrook into districts. A district is just another name for a ward, and look at how well they’ve worked for Chicago. This February, vote no on Bolingbrook Public Question 1 and let’s send a clear message. Don’t divide us Bonnie!

The final ad might get the coalition in trouble with the Valley View School District.

(A man is in a gym, wearing a red shirt. He is walking towards women wearing red and black basketball jerseys.)
Fake Coach: The Bolingbrook girls basketball team has a long proud winning tradition. Bonnie was part of that winning tradition a long time ago. Which is why I don’t understand why she supports Bolingbrook Public Question 1? It could force us to break up our team. Now I don’t know about you, but I think a team wins by coming together, not by coming apart. This February, as our team drives towards another state championship, support your team by voting no, and then tell Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook:
Fake Bolingbrook Girls Basketball Team: Don’t divide us Bonnie!

When asked if they had any documentation to prove their allegations, coalition members laughed. “If the media wants proof, they can do their own research. All we have to do is present our narrative, and let the people decide if they want it to be true or not. That’s modern day democracy.”

A source who has a cousin who is close to Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook’s legal team, says their public question will not divide Bolingbrook.

“Districts will elect trustees who will be forced to campaign in their districts! When they do, they will automatically vote for the will of the people! Then the gangs will go away, the mayor will work part time, there will be no more corruption, the sun will shine, and a rainbow will form over village hall! By electing trustees by district, we will come together.”

The source also insisted that CFBB submitted a notice to The Babbler that they intended to circulate a petition before the 108 day deadline.

“The public question will be on the ballet!”

No such notice has appeared in The Babbler’s print edition. When asked to comment, classified coordinator Gerald Crown looked through his papers, then said. “Oops!”

Publisher Chris Olson said that it didn’t matter if The Babbler didn’t print the notice because it hasn’t been a paper of record since his father told the first female mayor of Bolingbrook that women had no business being mayor.

“We’ve come a long way since then.” Said Olson.

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar to sentence seven turkeys to death
Lisle protester: Navistar will lay us off, kill us all, then go bankrupt!
CTA rejects ‘Eat women, not turkeys’ bus signs
George Hrab: I will play at Clow UFO base next year!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/29/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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