Thursday, October 1, 2009

Web Exclusive: Is Lisle’s Garfield Pond home to a monster?

Several eyewitnesses claim to have seen a monster in Lisle’s newest pond, Garfield Pond. Located less than a block from the newly remodeled downtown, cryptozoologists are concerned.

“I’ve received three reports in four weeks.” Said amateur cryptozoologist Michael Summers. “That has to mean something!”

Don X. Zimmermann claims to have seen something while walking home.

“I guess I got lost and ended up by the pond. It was a wild party. Anyway, I saw these lights on the water. There was this really bright round light that barely moved. Like it was a head or something. Then I saw the tips of glowing tentacles. Every time a car drove by, it would pull them away from the car. Like the car was chasing them.”

Zimmermann said ran back to the downtown and tried to tell a police officer what he saw. The officer, according to Zimmermann, arrested him for public intoxication. Zimmermann plans to fight the charges.

“They can arrest me, but they can’t arrest the truth!”

Dawn, who asked that we not use her real name, claims she was sober when she saw the creature.

“I saw a green blob in the pond.” She said. “At first I thought it as allege, but then it moved! I ran away, but I swear that thing was looking at me! I think it wanted me for lunch. Now I know why the village wants people to stay away from the edges of the pond!”

Paula Z. Gonzalez thinks she heard the monster.

“I was thinking about feeding a duck in the pond, but then I heard a splash. It scared the duck off. I turned and saw some ripples. I know there are no fish in the pond, so it must have been a monster.”

Gonzalez says she ran towards a toddler that was playing near the pond, and tried to pick her up. The child’s parents screamed at her, and chased her. Gonzalez was later arrested for attempted child abduction.

“I was trying to save a child, and now the Lisle Police Department wants to silence me. Well, I won’t be silent.”

Summers believes that the monster is a shapeshifter.

“There are no consistent accounts of this monster, but people have obviously seen something! Therefore, it must be a shapeshifting monster. I hope it doesn’t like human flesh. Otherwise, it could walk into the downtown and turn the few shoppers into a meal! Lisle can’t afford that kind of bad publicity!”

When asked about the possible monster in Garfield Pond, Mayor Joe Broda seemed to be unsure if it really existed.

“That depends. How many tourists a year do you think it will attract?”

Elyse, blogger for Skepchick, spoke to this reporter while working out at the Community Park Fitness Center.

“I’m sure some Lisle residents have seen something.” Said Elyse, “But that doesn’t mean it’s a monster. Our eyes can play tricks on us, or we can mistake an ordinary event as something extraordinary.” Elyse added that the monster could be the subject of her upcoming conference.

“You know, it seems like the more enemies The Babbler makes, the more free stuff I get. Mayor Roger Claar wants to hire me to debunk you guys, and now Lisle is putting in a competitive bid for Skepchicamp. They seem to think that I’m your mortal enemy.”

A man’s voice then came from her cell phone. “Elyse! If we move the conference to Super Bowl Sunday, The Bolingbrook Golf Club will also open up the Men’s Lounge for free! The guys can watch the game while you have your conference in the ballroom.”

“But if we hold it in the Lisle Library, they’ll bring in Spider-man to entertain our kids. We have to think about childcare.”

“But the Men’s Lounge has leather seats, and four TVs. It’s the ultimate man-cave, and we can use it to watch the Super Bowl!”

Elyse then turned to this reporter and said, “Do you think The Babbler can offend a Chicago politician before our first planning meeting this Saturday? Because I’d really like to have the conference in Chicago, and maybe Mayor Daley will try to make a deal with me if you guys tick him off.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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