Sunday, October 4, 2009

Olympic Failure: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special Report

Sources: Mayor Daley blames failed bid on inflatable stadium disaster

Sources within Chicago’s City Government tell the Babbler that Mayor Richard Daley blames a German company for Chicago losing the 2016 Olympics.

According to the sources, a German company offered to build an inflatable Olympic stadium for Chicago. Though it would have been the largest inflatable structure ever built, it would have been cheaper than building a normal stadium.

“For some reason, Daley didn’t want a permanent Olympic stadium.” Said a source. “I thought it was stupid since we’d spend money building it, and then spend money tearing it down. The German’s idea made more sense. We’d inflate the stadium for the Olympics. After the games we’d deflate it, then store it for another occasion, like a U2 Concert.”

When city officials toured a test building at a secret test site in Western Illinois, the structure collapsed. Mayor Daley and the other officials, who were in the top level VIP Skybox, were unharmed, but very angry. It was later determined that Margaret Daley snuck in a pair of high heals, and, after putting them on, ripped a hole in the floor.

Mayor Daley didn’t apologize for his wife’s actions. According to a source, he said, “She was conducting a stress test. We can’t expect women to come to this event and not wear high heals.”

When told that it would take six months to repair the building, Daley replied, “I want German quality, not German slowness! You guys made the autobahns! Why can’t you make things quickly?”

Daley, when asked to comment, told this reporter, “Why are you so mean to me? We just lost the Olympics, and now you want to ask me crazy questions? Hang up right now, or I will give your Mayor a huge donation to his campaign fund, and tell him to make sure your newsroom doesn’t have any building code violations! It worked for me against the Tribune company!”

Mayor Claar: Clow UFO Base could have made money off the games

(Reporter X) Don’t count Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar as a Republican happy about Chicago losing the Olympics.

“There are many alien Olympic fans.” Said Claar. “We could have had aliens from as far away as Andromeda coming to Bolingbrook. Just ask the administrators of Oslo UFO Center.”

According to Claar, Bolingbrook could have raised $100 Million from alien landing fees had Chicago won the games.

“We could have used that money to pay off the bonds used to fund construction of The Bolingbrook Golf Club, and paid people to move into Americana Estates.”

Experts consulted by The Babbler estimate the revenue from landing fees at closer to $10 million.

Press release condemns Obama for not going to Denmark.

Five minutes before President Barack Obama made his presentation before the Olympic Committee, The Babbler received a press release from Illinois for America First, condemning Obama for not making a presentation.

“Barack Hussein Obama doesn’t love America enough to defend her honor on foreign soil!” Read the press release. “After all we’ve done for the world, you would think they would just give us the Olympics, and we could use the revenue to pay for the war against Islamic Communist Fascists!”

When this reporter called the group, a spokesperson denied sending the release. “Everyone knows that the Olympics are un-American. Obama is wasting my money by going to some foreign country and begging for these games. It’s disgusting behavior like this that makes me want to succeed (sic) from the USA.”

When someone in the background announced that Chicago lost in the first round, several people in the background chanted what to this reporter sounded like “CSA! CSA!”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptic Rebecca Watson exiled to England
Bonnie: Bolingbrook web page is playing tricks on me!
Time traveler: Fergie is not so 3008!
NFL trying to turn pink into a masculine color
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/15/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Tom Degan said...

The right wing is positively giddy that the United States will not be hosting the Olympics. Seriously, has it dawned on you yet how utterly despicable these people are? I was just wonderin'.

The main goal of the GOP these days is to insure that President Obama's administration is a complete and utter failure. They want to see as many Americans as possible suffer in the next three years, thus, ensuring that they will be able to seize control of the executive branch in 2013. If the president succeeds in making life better for his countrymen and women, they fail. It's as simple as that. Mitch McConnell, to his credit, always looks quite uncomfortable when he is forced to justify policies as atrocious as those being put forward these days by that hideous party. But Cantor always has a serene, angelic smile on his face whenever he is forced to defend the morally indefensible - sort of like last week, at a Town Hall meeting when he told a woman whose mortally ill relative had been left bankrupt by her medical bills that she should rely on charity. He seemed so content with himself. Quite strange really.

Tom Degan
Goshen, NY