Sunday, October 25, 2009

Babbler to live-tweet the 10/27/09 Bolingbrook Village Trustee meeting

By Sara Langston, Editor

I’m pleased to announce that The Bolingbrook Babbler will attempt the first live-tweet of a village trustee meeting on 10/27/09. Our Twitter account is bolingbrookbabb, and we will use the tag #bbmeeting.

Our sources tell us that an ambassador from one of the largest empires in the Andromeda Galaxy will be at the meeting. This historic occasion demands that we use the latest Internet technology to bring our coverage of this historic event to our readers.

We’ve also heard that Werewolves for Bonnie is demanding to be heard at this meeting. Could this lead to the first werewolf attack against a village board since 1978? You know BCTV will cut away from any such attack, but we won’t! Because you, The Babbler reader, deserve the truth.

Now one source tells us that when Mayor Roger Claar was told of our plan, he allegedly replied, “Tweeting? There are no birds allowed in my village hall!” Don’t worry. Our reporter won’t bring any birds. If the Men in Blue don’t stop us, we’ll just bring the unbelievable truth to Twitter as it happens.

So on October 27 around 8:00 p.m. CDT, check out our twitter feed in the lefthand column, or follow bolingbrookbabb on Twitter. Join the conversation as we make Bolingbrook history.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Bolingbrook allows aliens to go trick or treating!

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs will ease their regulations on October 31 to allow more aliens to go out trick or treating.

“We were pleased with the results last year.” Said Donald Henson, spokesperson for the department. “It promoted better relations between the alien and the human residents of Bolingbrook.”

According to Henson, there are four appearance classifications for aliens. Normally, only Class A aliens can be seen in public with a proper disguise. For Halloween, Class A and Class B aliens will be allowed in public, provided that their public appearances must be Halloween related, and they cannot reveal their true origins to the general public.

Joq Luq, a long time Clow UFO Base resident, says he enjoyed last year’s Halloween outing.

“I just went outside as myself, and it was weird.” Said Luq. “Everyone complimented my ‘costume.’ I got lots of colored sugar, and a human female acted like she wanted to mate with me. Normally, when I go outside, people scream in horror. It felt great to be loved for a change.”

Mayor Roger Claar feels it is important for the aliens to mingle with humans once a year.

“In the movies, aliens are either killers or gods.” Said Claar. “Really, they’re just sentient beings, like us. Now the world isn’t ready to know the truth about aliens, but for one day, we can give our residents a hint of the truth.”

Qat Swaq, is looking forward to this year’s outing. “I’ve heard horror stories about screaming little humans. So I plan on dressing up as one. Two of my friends will play the tortured adults who are forced to take care of me. I’ve always wanted to scream, but my culture prohibits me from speaking too loud. Now I can express my full vocal range. Thanks Roger!”

Kno Lockmo has a really scary costume in mind.

“I plan on dressing up as Bonnie and knocking on Roger’s door. I can’t wait to see the look on his face!”

All aliens must report back to Clow by 1 A.M. Any incidents between aliens and humans should be reported to the Department of Interstellar Affairs.

Also in The Babbler:

Psychic: Jay Cutler will leave Bears and win the Super Bowl with the Lions.
Aliens laugh at Windows 7
Fermi lab behind unseasonably cool weather in Chicago
Skeptical singer Geroge Hrab invades Chicago on 11/19!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/3/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Atheist Rob Sherman debates Space Pope! Web exclusive!

By Reporter X

Illinois atheist Rob Sherman and Space Pope Lacoxo MMI engaged in a heated but peaceful debate at Clow UFO base on Wednesday. A worldwide and interstellar audience watched as the two debated whether the existence of alien Christians proves the existence of God.

“Why do so many alien species have stories of a son of God who sacrificed His lives for His followers?” Asked Lacoxo. “Why are their stories so similar to Jesus’s story? It must mean that God sent His Son throughout the universe!”

Sherman offered an alternative explanation. “It’s funny how the Universal Catholic Church wasn’t formed until after the rise of Christianity on Earth. It’s almost as if they converted to Christianity after spying on medieval Europe, and then tried to retrofit every other alien religion into Christianity.”

Lacoxo counted with an example of the Christ of Lira 5.

“A friend gave Him a bath and then died a few days later. That’s the baptism. A Quagmot swallowed Him and spat him out. He skipped over the water seven time before landing feet first on the ground. That is the affirmation that He is the continuation of the laws of the Old Testament, and an example of Him walking on water! He was betrayed by 100 of his followers, which is number divisible by 1, which was the number of the follower who betrayed Jesus Christ. Though His arms were cut off, He held out His Stumps. Obviously he was trying to make the shape of the cross. How do you explain this, Mr. Sherman?”

Sherman laughed, and said that since he was given a spacecraft, which he calls, “The Flying Sherman Object,” he has investigated each “Christ” the Church recognizes.

“There’s one who did a belly flop into vat of red goo. They say that because he stretched his arms out, he was trying to form the cross, and the red goo was the blood of salvation. Another had dinner before he disappeared. They call that the Last Supper. Another cursed his mother constantly. Another was cloned, and they call that the virgin birth. There are so many alien races out there that it is no surprise that some will have myths that are similar to Christianity. It reminds me of a science fiction story I read in a humanist magazine.”

Sherman then accused Lacoxo of hypocrisy because the “Christ” of his home world forbid mountain climbing because only He should be able to look down upon the world.

“Yet you fly around the Galaxy and look down upon many world. Shouldn’t that be an affront to God?”

Lacoxo countered that the ban only applies to mountains on his home world because God created them so his “Christ” could look down upon the world. Only people on his world who attempt to climb a mountain blindfolded and without any equipment are allowed to. Mountain climbing equipment is banned on his home world.

“If God wants them to climb the mountain, then they will climb the mountain. Using rope is sinful, and leads to bondage and pleasurable sex.”

Near the end of the debate, two guest questioners were introduced via satellite. Pope Benedict XVI and Professor Richard Dawkins were introduced and they were allowed to ask each of the debaters a single question.

Pope Benedict XVI asked Lacoxo if he recognized the authority of the Catholic Church on Earth. Lacoxo replied that after reading the Pope’s writings, he decided that, “You need to be educated about the truth of Jesus. You should leave the Papacy to real Christians like myself.”

Benedict turned off his camera, and did not leave a question for Sherman.

Dawkins asked if Lacoxo the existence of space Christians is really proof of the infectious nature of the Christian Meme. Lacoxo angrily disagreed.

“Read your Earth history so-called professor! Christianity doesn’t spread by itself. It is spread by followers either teaching the word of God, or by beating nonbelievers into enlightenment!”

Dawkins then asked Sherman about his claim to be one of the top two atheists in America. Dawkins then mentioned famous American atheists, like James Randi, Hemant Mehta, and Michael Shermer. He then asked if Sherman would like to be on a reality TV show, hosted by Dawkins, to determine America’s top atheist.

Sherman chuckled, and said that he no longer wants to be America’s top atheist, but is aspiring to something higher.

“Now that I have The Sherman Flying Object, I want to travel the stars and be known as the top atheist within 10 parsecs.”

When asked why he didn’t want to be known as the top atheist in the universe or even the galaxy, he smiled.

“There is a race in this galaxy, called the Nilians, that not only don’t believe in God, they don’t even believe in their own existence. I’m not even that hardcore.”

When The Babbler tried to reach Sherman, his daughter answered the phone. She denied that her father has ever debated a space alien, and refused to believe that her father owns a space ship.

“I think you’d better hang up now, or else my dad will have one of his LONG talks with your publisher.” She said.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Sources: Bolingbrook’s robotic trustees gaining sentience

Bolingbrook Trustees Leroy Brown and Ricardo (Rick) Morales stunned the village by voting against Mayor Roger Claar at the 9/8/09 Board meeting. Long believed to be robots by some observers, some staff members tell The Babbler that Claar is afraid the trustees are gaining sentience.

“I spent good money in the 1990s to build a robot factory in Bolingbrook.” A source claims Roger said. “All I wanted were robotic trustees that would always vote for my proposals. If they had personalities, that was a benefit. Now I can’t even get them to always vote for me!”

A robotic expert, who asked to be called Dave, thinks the problem is with the trustees’ German software.

“Germans take forever to make something, but what they make is very good.” Said Dave. “I’m afraid that the Germans added a learning program to the robots. It was supposed to teach the trustees how to independently determine the best way to support Roger. A drawback is that it can teach a robot how to think for itself. I hope Roger didn’t equip them with weapons, or we’ll be in serious trouble.”

Doug, who claims to be a worker at Mayor Claar’s robot factory, says the engineers are working overtime to fix the trustees.

“We totally rebuilt Leroy Brown.” Said Doug. “That why it missed the 9/22 meeting. We also added some new software to persuade it not to vote against Roger. Right now we’re working on Morales, but it put up quite a fight before we were able to shut him down.”

Doug, like many sources who spoke to The Babbler, fear that those changes might not be enough.

“The way their core software is written, they are instructed to vote for the best interests of Bolingbrook. Their other law is that Roger Claar proposals are always in the best interests of Bolingbrook. Somehow, Leroy and Rick managed to override the other law and they decided that the truck stop expansion wasn’t in the best interests of Bolingbrook. If we change their core software, we might change radically change their personalities. Then people will notice and ask too many questions.”

Claar, according to the sources, doesn’t like that answer. “I spend money on trustees that wouldn’t vote against me, and now they’re voting against me. Do you realize how much it cost me to create fake histories and fake families for them? It would have been cheaper to have sextuplets and elected them to board. Then I could legally spank them when they disobey me! As it stands, I have two robots that are making me look like a weak leader!”

The sources, however, say that Claar did see a bright side to the situation. “Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook can’t report on this because it would mess up their ‘rubber stamp’ propaganda about my trustees. The mainstream media? The Bugle is my friend, and The Sun is too distracted by their bankruptcy hearings to notice anything unusual.”

When The Babbler reached Claar, he denied the story, call it “typical Babbler nonsense that they’ve printed for the past 44 years.”

“The truth is,” said Claar, “we are all friends, and sometimes friends disagree. When we do disagree we get together and straighten things out. That’s what I’m doing right now.”

A woman in the background told Claar that some of the trustees wanted to order out from Home Plate. Claar walked away from the phone and yelled, “We are eating pepperoni pizza from Nancy’s, and if you don’t like it, you can forget about seeing a dime of my campaign fund!” Claar then walked back to the phone and continued, “Sometimes you have to remind your friends who’s in charge.”

Claar later refused to grant the trustees permission to speak to The Babbler for this story.

Also in The Babbler:

Hidden Lakes Monster goes into hibernation
Vampires counter-protest Take Back The Night rally
Pigs: Stop eating us or we will release H1N2!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/30/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Obama saves Earth from Martian bombs

By Reporter X

Sources with relatives working at NASA tell The Babbler that President Barack Obama saved the Earth from annihilation by Martian Colonies.

Two weeks ago, the Colonial ambassador sent an ultimatum to the world’s governments: Destroy the LCROSS probe or be destroyed! The Colonial Government said the lunar probe’s impact site was too close a colonial Earth observation station. Any damage to the station, would be considered an act of war, said the Ambassador.

“LCROSS doesn’t have self-destruct charges.” Said a source. “We were going to our own moon, not Mars. We regularly destroy billion dollar Mars probes at their request. They’ve never cared about lunar probes before.”

Because the Martian Colonies are one of the most advanced civilizations in the galaxy, experts agree that Earth has no defense against a Martian attack. So many world leaders began planning their escape.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar wasn’t one of them.

“I didn’t want to spend rest of my life as a refugee.” Said Claar. “So I said good-bye to my daughter, made my peace with God, and sent Leroy Brown to the Clow command center. I was going to make him the last surviving Bolingbrook resident as punishment for voting against me!”

Minutes before the Colonies' deadline, Obama and the ambassador announced that they had worked out a compromise. NASA would strike a different crater, and the Colonists agreed not to destroy the Earth.

“We understand that this solar system has room for two great civilizations.” Said Obama speaking at Area 51. “Do we always agree? No. Can we get along? Yes, we can.”

The Martian Colonies embassy released this statement to The Babbler: “Your previous leader was as smart as Glack Fungus. Your current leader is as smart as Cave Mold. Your civilization has made considerable progress in a matter of months.”

The world’s leaders showed their appreciation by persuading the Nobel Committee to give Obama the Peace Prize.

Not everyone was totally pleased with Obama’s success.

“I’m glad he saved my life.” Said Claar. “But before the deadline, my wife and I threw our own party. When I woke up, I had the worst hangover ever.  I wanted to impeach Obama for giving me this hangover! Because there’s no way we’ll be able to beat him in the 2012 election now!”

When The Babbler tried to reach the President, a White House spokesperson laughed at this reporter and hung up.

Also in The Babbler:

NCAA investigates Buffalo Wild Wings for game tampering
Bonnie spotted on Europa!
Psychic: No Cubs World Series this century
The Phoenix Experience: CFBB is an unacceptable alternative!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/22/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Olympic Failure: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special Report

Sources: Mayor Daley blames failed bid on inflatable stadium disaster

Sources within Chicago’s City Government tell the Babbler that Mayor Richard Daley blames a German company for Chicago losing the 2016 Olympics.

According to the sources, a German company offered to build an inflatable Olympic stadium for Chicago. Though it would have been the largest inflatable structure ever built, it would have been cheaper than building a normal stadium.

“For some reason, Daley didn’t want a permanent Olympic stadium.” Said a source. “I thought it was stupid since we’d spend money building it, and then spend money tearing it down. The German’s idea made more sense. We’d inflate the stadium for the Olympics. After the games we’d deflate it, then store it for another occasion, like a U2 Concert.”

When city officials toured a test building at a secret test site in Western Illinois, the structure collapsed. Mayor Daley and the other officials, who were in the top level VIP Skybox, were unharmed, but very angry. It was later determined that Margaret Daley snuck in a pair of high heals, and, after putting them on, ripped a hole in the floor.

Mayor Daley didn’t apologize for his wife’s actions. According to a source, he said, “She was conducting a stress test. We can’t expect women to come to this event and not wear high heals.”

When told that it would take six months to repair the building, Daley replied, “I want German quality, not German slowness! You guys made the autobahns! Why can’t you make things quickly?”

Daley, when asked to comment, told this reporter, “Why are you so mean to me? We just lost the Olympics, and now you want to ask me crazy questions? Hang up right now, or I will give your Mayor a huge donation to his campaign fund, and tell him to make sure your newsroom doesn’t have any building code violations! It worked for me against the Tribune company!”

Mayor Claar: Clow UFO Base could have made money off the games

(Reporter X) Don’t count Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar as a Republican happy about Chicago losing the Olympics.

“There are many alien Olympic fans.” Said Claar. “We could have had aliens from as far away as Andromeda coming to Bolingbrook. Just ask the administrators of Oslo UFO Center.”

According to Claar, Bolingbrook could have raised $100 Million from alien landing fees had Chicago won the games.

“We could have used that money to pay off the bonds used to fund construction of The Bolingbrook Golf Club, and paid people to move into Americana Estates.”

Experts consulted by The Babbler estimate the revenue from landing fees at closer to $10 million.

Press release condemns Obama for not going to Denmark.

Five minutes before President Barack Obama made his presentation before the Olympic Committee, The Babbler received a press release from Illinois for America First, condemning Obama for not making a presentation.

“Barack Hussein Obama doesn’t love America enough to defend her honor on foreign soil!” Read the press release. “After all we’ve done for the world, you would think they would just give us the Olympics, and we could use the revenue to pay for the war against Islamic Communist Fascists!”

When this reporter called the group, a spokesperson denied sending the release. “Everyone knows that the Olympics are un-American. Obama is wasting my money by going to some foreign country and begging for these games. It’s disgusting behavior like this that makes me want to succeed (sic) from the USA.”

When someone in the background announced that Chicago lost in the first round, several people in the background chanted what to this reporter sounded like “CSA! CSA!”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptic Rebecca Watson exiled to England
Bonnie: Bolingbrook web page is playing tricks on me!
Time traveler: Fergie is not so 3008!
NFL trying to turn pink into a masculine color
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/15/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Web Exclusive: Is Lisle’s Garfield Pond home to a monster?

Several eyewitnesses claim to have seen a monster in Lisle’s newest pond, Garfield Pond. Located less than a block from the newly remodeled downtown, cryptozoologists are concerned.

“I’ve received three reports in four weeks.” Said amateur cryptozoologist Michael Summers. “That has to mean something!”

Don X. Zimmermann claims to have seen something while walking home.

“I guess I got lost and ended up by the pond. It was a wild party. Anyway, I saw these lights on the water. There was this really bright round light that barely moved. Like it was a head or something. Then I saw the tips of glowing tentacles. Every time a car drove by, it would pull them away from the car. Like the car was chasing them.”

Zimmermann said ran back to the downtown and tried to tell a police officer what he saw. The officer, according to Zimmermann, arrested him for public intoxication. Zimmermann plans to fight the charges.

“They can arrest me, but they can’t arrest the truth!”

Dawn, who asked that we not use her real name, claims she was sober when she saw the creature.

“I saw a green blob in the pond.” She said. “At first I thought it as allege, but then it moved! I ran away, but I swear that thing was looking at me! I think it wanted me for lunch. Now I know why the village wants people to stay away from the edges of the pond!”

Paula Z. Gonzalez thinks she heard the monster.

“I was thinking about feeding a duck in the pond, but then I heard a splash. It scared the duck off. I turned and saw some ripples. I know there are no fish in the pond, so it must have been a monster.”

Gonzalez says she ran towards a toddler that was playing near the pond, and tried to pick her up. The child’s parents screamed at her, and chased her. Gonzalez was later arrested for attempted child abduction.

“I was trying to save a child, and now the Lisle Police Department wants to silence me. Well, I won’t be silent.”

Summers believes that the monster is a shapeshifter.

“There are no consistent accounts of this monster, but people have obviously seen something! Therefore, it must be a shapeshifting monster. I hope it doesn’t like human flesh. Otherwise, it could walk into the downtown and turn the few shoppers into a meal! Lisle can’t afford that kind of bad publicity!”

When asked about the possible monster in Garfield Pond, Mayor Joe Broda seemed to be unsure if it really existed.

“That depends. How many tourists a year do you think it will attract?”

Elyse, blogger for Skepchick, spoke to this reporter while working out at the Community Park Fitness Center.

“I’m sure some Lisle residents have seen something.” Said Elyse, “But that doesn’t mean it’s a monster. Our eyes can play tricks on us, or we can mistake an ordinary event as something extraordinary.” Elyse added that the monster could be the subject of her upcoming conference.

“You know, it seems like the more enemies The Babbler makes, the more free stuff I get. Mayor Roger Claar wants to hire me to debunk you guys, and now Lisle is putting in a competitive bid for Skepchicamp. They seem to think that I’m your mortal enemy.”

A man’s voice then came from her cell phone. “Elyse! If we move the conference to Super Bowl Sunday, The Bolingbrook Golf Club will also open up the Men’s Lounge for free! The guys can watch the game while you have your conference in the ballroom.”

“But if we hold it in the Lisle Library, they’ll bring in Spider-man to entertain our kids. We have to think about childcare.”

“But the Men’s Lounge has leather seats, and four TVs. It’s the ultimate man-cave, and we can use it to watch the Super Bowl!”

Elyse then turned to this reporter and said, “Do you think The Babbler can offend a Chicago politician before our first planning meeting this Saturday? Because I’d really like to have the conference in Chicago, and maybe Mayor Daley will try to make a deal with me if you guys tick him off.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.