Sunday, September 27, 2009

Valley View School District considers using alien technology against gangs!

By Reporter X

Following a stabbing at Bolingbrook High School, Deputy Bolingbrook Mayor Leroy Brown assured alien parents that their teenagers are safe.

“You did not travel thousands of light years just to have your children or podlings assaulted.” Said Brown. “As head of security in our schools, I take my job very seriously!”

Meeting with alien parents living at Clow UFO base, Brown announced new initiatives to protect their offspring. According to Brown, all alien high school students will be supplied with emergency teleporters. If attacked, an alien student can press a button, and be teleported to a secure location within Bolingbrook High School. The device will also mind-wipe the assailant.

“Let me assure you,” Said Brown, “it will be hundreds of years before Chicago’s gangs can counter these teleporters.”

When asked about the human students at Bolingbrook High School, Brown announced that along with random searches, the school board was also considering offers from alien ambassadors. One option involves parking a cloaked Komet Empire Warship over Bolingbrook High School.

“These warships can devastate entire planets.” Said Brown. “They should not have a problem stopping a drive-by shooting or even an all-out assault against the school.”

When it was pointed out that the ship would have to de-cloak before it could fire its weapons, Brown responded that the ship would also be equipped with mind-wiping technology. When pressed, Brown conceded that the board is concerned about how prolonged exposure to mind-wiping rays would affect academic performance.

“But we will deal with it, don’t worry.”

Brown also added that board is considering taking the offensive against gang members. By using modified sample return androids, the board hopes to capture gang members who wonder onto school grounds.

Brown then showed a video demonstrating the probe’s effectiveness. In the video, two prison guards escort a convicted gang member to an open gate. Next to the gate stood an obese man wearing common gang fashions. The guards uncuffed the gang member and told he was free to go because he was, “Too banging to be in prison.” As the gangster started to walk towards the door, the obese man made several hand gestures towards him.

The gang member screamed, “You don’t dis me!” He then charged the obese man. The man’s belly opened, and several sticky plastic tentacles entangled the gangster. He screamed as the probe collected him. Once it finished, the probe walked away.

After the meeting many aliens were pleased with Brown’s presentation.

“My kids only go to Bolingbrook High School to meet humans.” Said Kl Goa. “I’m glad to hear the Bolingbrook wants to keep my kids safe from the primitive natives.  Otherwise I would have to send them back to our home world for a summer school.  They wouldn't like that.”

Grock, who’s race is descendent from Earth’s dinosaurs, thinks more can be done.

“Earth used to be a peaceful place until the mammals grew too large.” Said Grock. “If we could just kill off every mammal larger than three inches, we’d see a big reduction in crime.”

Cho Ko has concerns.

“I understand the need to keep Earth children safe. I just hope they don’t too far with the security. Earth children need to learn to become thinking active members of society. I’m concerned that if they grow up in a security state, they will be more willing to surrender their democracy as adults.”

None of the Valley View School Board members would speak to The Babbler on the record. One member did tell The Babbler that she has concerns about aliens.

“They come from the sky, but say they’re not from God. I don’t think they’re from other planets. I think they are fallen angels. It’s no coincidence that since their arrival in 1947, we’ve seen an increase in prostitution, drinking, pornography, immoral music, fast food, and atheism.”

When asked to comment, Brown handed this reporter a form and said it needed to be filled out and signed by Mayor Roger Claar before he could conduct an interview. When this reporter told Brown that it was a requisition form for paper clips, Brown replied, “Very good. You’re more observant than Bonnie.” He then closed the door.

According to one estimate, one percent Bolingbrook High School students are space aliens.

Also in The Babbler:

Seahawk's new uniforms sicken hundreds of Bears fans
Former Bolingbrook Mayor Ed Rosenthal adopts weredog!
Clow to host Earth-Mars conference over lunar water rights
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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