Saturday, September 12, 2009

Mayor Claar delivers Republican response to Valley View students

Sources tell The Babbler that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar gave the Republican response to a select group of students in the Valley View School District.  While the speech was supportive of President Barack Obama’s message that students should stay in school, some critics accuse Claar of using his speech to attack his critics.

“I assure you, his speech was free of politics.”  Said a source connected to the school board.  “Instead of a controversy, we were gifted with two great speakers.”

In a transcript obtained by The Babbler, Claar praised Obama’s speech, and then stressed the importance of behaving in class.

“When you’re in school,” said Claar, “the class clown is a funny person.  In the real world, the former class clown is just an annoying person.  I know, because I have to deal with one twice a month!”

Claar also stressed the importance of learning about a variety of subjects.

“When you’re blowing off a class, you’re closing a door to future opportunities.”  Said Claar.  “One day you may need to know something from that class, but you won’t know it.  Even if you have a laptop in front of you, you’ll sound like a babbling idiot to your superiors.”

Later in the speech, Claar explained although there are intelligent people who suffer from dyslexia or dysgraphia, it is important for everyone to make the effort to use proper spelling and grammar.  Eyewitnesses say Claar displayed a slide showing a web site with the headline, “Welcome to the Dupage Independant Party.”

“Are they so independent that they can spell the word anyway they want?”  Asked Claar.  He later added, “The last time I checked, most of Bolingbrook was in Will County.  Granted, part of the village is in DuPage County, but it’s spelled with a capital P.  Right or wrong, this sentence gives the impression that these people don’t know what they’re talking about.  If you want to be taken seriously, you have to use proper spelling and grammar.  If you need help in those areas, it’s OK to ask.  It’s better to get it right, than to have your writing look like something from out of The Weekly Reporter.  Word crunching is just as important as number crunching.”

Claar praised Obama’s message that students should work hard in school, and added his own anecdote.  He said that he was bullied in school.

“I realized that were doing it not because I was a bad person, but because they didn’t want me to be more successful then them.  They ended up in menial farm jobs, but I went to the University of Kansas where I got a PhD including the dissertation!”

Claar also agreed with Obama that the odds are stacked against a student becoming a successful pro athlete or pop star. 

“Most pop stars end broke and can’t remember ever being rich.”  Said Claar.  “They have to play in dirty bars in front of fat elderly fans because they don’t have the skills to get a real job.  That’s hardly glamorous.”

Claar contrasted that example with his own life.

“Because of my grammar and spelling skills, I was able to persuade Bolingbrook's residents to make me their mayor.  Then I was able to build this.”

Claar then showed slides of the Bolingbrook Golf Club’s clubhouse.  Witnesses said the crowd was impressed.  When Claar unveiled his $22,000 used Jaguar on stage, the crowd erupted in applause.

“This is how I Rick-roll.”  Said Claar.  He added, “In this car, I listen to music that you probably wouldn’t like, but that’s OK.  I don’t need to impress anyone with my taste in music.  If you graduate from college, you can afford your own car, and you can play the music you like.  I’ll go further.  If you become mayor, you can build anything you want.  I like golf courses, but you could build a nightclub if you want to.  The world is yours with a college education.”

Claar then concluded by saying, “Gangs bangers promise you riches, but really you’ll end up dead or in jail.  Stay in school, work hard, and you will find true, long lasting success!  Thank you, and God bless Bolingbrook!”

One student, who asked to be called Jake, said he was impressed with Roger’s speech.  “I thought you had to be a music star to have a cool crib.  But Roger showed me that you could also have a cool crib if you get a college education.  I’m going to go to college because I don’t have mad skills!”

A source close to Claar confirmed that he delivered the speech, and said there was a political reason for it.

“He said, ‘Steve, have you read those articles slamming me?  They are filled with misspellings and grammatical mistakes.  There are even mistakes in The Babbler.  I’m convinced that poor writing skills somehow make people hate me.  If more residents improve their writing skills, more people will support me.  Then I will crush Bonnie in the next election!’”

Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook did not respond to our request for an interview, but The Babbler received an anonymous e-mail which read, “Your wrong.  Are spelling is grate!”  It is not clear if this was from an actual CBB member.

When this reporter stopped by Claar’s home, Claar was walking out the door with his wife.  Carrying a golf bag, he denied delivering a rebuttal to Obama’s speech.

“I was out golfing that day, and now I’m going out golfing with my wife.  That’s all have to say.  Oh, my golf cart has Internet access.”  

Claar then made a peace sign, pointed his fingers at his eyes, and then pointed them at this reporter.

Also in The Babbler:
Air Force Black-ops squadron to fly missing man formation over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook and Romeoville mayors sign peace treaty
Clow officials dispel Facebook reports of an alien invasion
Claar to hire Rebecca Watson as "Village Skeptic"
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/15/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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