Thursday, September 17, 2009

Lisle mayor survives ninja attack

Lisle mayor Joe Broda survived an assassination attempt by a ninja at the September 14th Village Trustee Meeting.

Ten minutes before the live broadcast, a ninja detonated a smoke bomb by the public entrance. While most people turned towards the smoke, the ninja dropped down from the ceiling and on the divider behind the trustee’s chairs. The ninja crept towards Mayor Broda. Just before he could jump down, a plain-clothed police officer fired his entire pistol clip into the ninja.

“It was really scary.” Said Assistant Village Clerk Jill Walkerman. “First we saw the smoke, then we heard the gunfire. I ducked under the desk and tried to send out a tweet, but then I remembered that the village hall doesn’t have wifi.”

The officer, who asked that we did not use his name, explained that the Lisle police officers are trained to deal with ninja attacks.

“Ever since Meijer sent pirates to attack the mayor in 2005, we knew it was only a matter of time before they would send ninjas after him.” Said the officer. “Ninjas aren’t really that tough, but they’re the masters of misdirection. So we’ve been trained by Richard Wiseman on how not to be fooled by their tricks. I’m glad I took those lessons seriously. Unlike the rest of the department.”

The ninja’s body fell behind the divider and out of public view. Three unidentified persons rushed behind the divider, and did not return.

Broda pulled out his cell phone and made a call. After asking for the president of Meijer, Broda told him about the attack.

“I’m glad to hear that you’re not involved.” Said Broda. “But let me take this time to reiterate our bipartisan relationship. I tell you to stay out of Lisle, and you stay out of Lisle because you don’t want to be seen as weak and partisan. No, no, no. I’m the Republican in this relationship and you’re the Democrat. Got it? Good.”

As Broda then called the police, the other trustees wondered if they should retreat into the emergency command center. After a minute of heated arguing, Broda put away his cell phone and walked towards his chair. He motioned with his hands to calm down the trustees. He started by talking about how terrorists want to instill fear in others. Then he talked the need to show courage, and how the trustees have demonstrated courage in the past.

We stood up to Meijer when we could turned a blind eye to the public and taken their campaign funds. We courageously ignored the conservatives and spent $9 million dollars to remodel our downtown. I bravely spoke in front of a tea party rally, even though federal money was being used to refurbish the Maple Ave bridge. We’ve always defended the Lisle way of life. Some say we’re NIMBY, but I say we’re not afraid to make the necessary decisions that make Lisle feel like a place to live. We know that when the village benefits, we benefit by getting reelected. Now some terrorists in black pajamas wants us to abandon our courage, and hide in the command center. No! Instead we’re going sit in our chairs and start the meeting as usual. Nothing will strike back at these terrorists harder then approving a liquor license on live TV!”

When the live broadcast started, the trustees stuck to the agenda, while police officers secured the rest of village hall. After the broadcast ended, Broda asked an officer to find out how the ninja got past the razor wire in the ventilation ducts.

While Meijer was initially suspected to be behind the ninja attack, investigators who spoke to The Babbler now believe the Village of Woodridge was behind the attack. Noting Woodridge’s unusual gesture to negotiate a new boundary agreement three and half years early, the investigators suspect that the goal of assassinating Broda was to shock the remaining trustees to ratify the agreement without reviewing it.”

A source close to the Village of Woodridge government denied they were behind the attack, but revealed the real reason the village is offering a new agreement. According to the source, the new agreement will allow Woodridge to build a wall and an underground heat shelter on Lisle border.

“We’ve read the report.” Said the source. “We have to get ready for the deadly summers, and the fall of Illinois civilization. If we wait until 2012 to renegotiate, the trustees will know that global warming is real, and drive a harder bargain for the land. Hey, Lisle’s residents can seek shelter under their trees. We'll look out for ourselves by any means necessary!”

When called for a comment, Broda replied, “Guys! The reporter from Bolingbrook says I survived a ninja attack. What’s that? OK. I’ll ask. Do I know Kung Fu?”

Village clerk Tim Seeden laughed when asked about the Ninja attack. “I guess I was either double checking my equipment, or checking my Facebook page. Did you know that I’m a friend of Roger? I’m hoping he can explain to me why so many people want me to join their mob? I’m not a mobster!”

When this reporter called Trustee Kim Brondyke, she demanded to know how this reporter got her home phone number. Brondyke insisted that she only be reached through village contact page.

“If you ever call me at this number again, I will go to your office and help you demonstrate extreme yoga!”

Also in The Babbler:
Werecat stalks Wheaton
Atheists threaten use skywriters over Chicago
Kanye West spanked by mother's ghost
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/22/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: