Friday, September 4, 2009

Five suspected anti-vaccination terrorists arrested at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

A joint operation by the Men in Blue and Men in Black at Bolingbrook's Clow UFO Base has netted five suspected members of the interstellar anti-vaccination terrorist group, KukPu'K

The suspected members are accused of genocide by 12 different interstellar governments. The governments claim that the beings started anti-vaccination movements on various planets. Once the majority of inhabitants lost immunity, the suspects allegedly released deadly infectious diseases on the world. On 55 Cancri F, 4 billion died from the easily preventable Black Flu.

"These people are sick liars." Said John, who asked that we not use his real name. "They think they're getting rid of stupid creatures. But by ending herd immunity, they're killing innocent children. Imagine what's happening in Australia, but on a planetary scale."

Officials who spoke to The Babbler say that they seized videos from the leader of KukPu'K, OpKop. In one video, OpKop specifically targets Earth for "de-stupidification."

"When I saw the transmission of Jenny McCarthy picking at her her olfactory organ, I was appalled. Any race that would show the universe this disgusting display is too stupid to be allowed to live!"

It is believed by investigators that the aliens were attempting to contact Jenny McCarthy to provide her with more phony studies, heart-wrenching talking points, and precious metals to fund her activism. It is not clear if she has knowingly made contact with KukPu'K. Humans who work with KukPu'K can be legally framed for crimes against humanity.

The Bolingbrook Department of Interstellar affairs released the following statement:

"Mayor Roger Claar has been fully briefed about the operation, and supports all efforts to protect the human race. Unlike some people, he will not go into hiding when faced with grave threats!"

During the operation, Elyse, a blogger at Skepchick, was brought in for questioning. The Men in Blue saw her in a YouTube video supporting anti-vaccination efforts on Venus. She replied, under intense questioning, that she was only joking, and didn’t know there really were aliens on Venus.

Before the Men in Blue could alter her memory, The Men in Black interrupted the questioning to say that Dr. Steven Novella had vouched for her as a "cover-up blogger", and she was free to go. Before she left, an agent gave her a coupon for "The Roger Treatment" at The Bolingbrook Golf Club.

When this reporter visited the club, he found Elyse eating dinner. She denied receiving a coupon from The Men in Blue.

"The mayor is giving me a complementary meal and free drinks." Said Elyse. "I think he's going to pay me to debunk your publication. I'll find out later this week."

A man then joined her at the table.

"Elyse!" He said. "The bathroom attendant handed me a monogrammed paper towel! A monogrammed paper towel! How Farkle is that?"

Elyse said she was impressed with the golf club.

"It's probably too expensive for a normal Drinking Skeptically event, but if James Randi ever stops by, I'll definitely keep this place in mind. Oh, and the bartenders can make any drink you want. Watch this!"

She then motioned to the waiter.

"More vodka and Tang please." She turned to this reporter and said, "I hope that someday every bar will serve the Buzzed Aldrin."

Also in The Babbler

Interstellar Internet down for two Earth days
Bonnie spotted in Guam
Sources:  Todd Stroger used mind-control to defeat tax cut
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/14/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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