Sunday, September 27, 2009

Valley View School District considers using alien technology against gangs!

By Reporter X

Following a stabbing at Bolingbrook High School, Deputy Bolingbrook Mayor Leroy Brown assured alien parents that their teenagers are safe.

“You did not travel thousands of light years just to have your children or podlings assaulted.” Said Brown. “As head of security in our schools, I take my job very seriously!”

Meeting with alien parents living at Clow UFO base, Brown announced new initiatives to protect their offspring. According to Brown, all alien high school students will be supplied with emergency teleporters. If attacked, an alien student can press a button, and be teleported to a secure location within Bolingbrook High School. The device will also mind-wipe the assailant.

“Let me assure you,” Said Brown, “it will be hundreds of years before Chicago’s gangs can counter these teleporters.”

When asked about the human students at Bolingbrook High School, Brown announced that along with random searches, the school board was also considering offers from alien ambassadors. One option involves parking a cloaked Komet Empire Warship over Bolingbrook High School.

“These warships can devastate entire planets.” Said Brown. “They should not have a problem stopping a drive-by shooting or even an all-out assault against the school.”

When it was pointed out that the ship would have to de-cloak before it could fire its weapons, Brown responded that the ship would also be equipped with mind-wiping technology. When pressed, Brown conceded that the board is concerned about how prolonged exposure to mind-wiping rays would affect academic performance.

“But we will deal with it, don’t worry.”

Brown also added that board is considering taking the offensive against gang members. By using modified sample return androids, the board hopes to capture gang members who wonder onto school grounds.

Brown then showed a video demonstrating the probe’s effectiveness. In the video, two prison guards escort a convicted gang member to an open gate. Next to the gate stood an obese man wearing common gang fashions. The guards uncuffed the gang member and told he was free to go because he was, “Too banging to be in prison.” As the gangster started to walk towards the door, the obese man made several hand gestures towards him.

The gang member screamed, “You don’t dis me!” He then charged the obese man. The man’s belly opened, and several sticky plastic tentacles entangled the gangster. He screamed as the probe collected him. Once it finished, the probe walked away.

After the meeting many aliens were pleased with Brown’s presentation.

“My kids only go to Bolingbrook High School to meet humans.” Said Kl Goa. “I’m glad to hear the Bolingbrook wants to keep my kids safe from the primitive natives.  Otherwise I would have to send them back to our home world for a summer school.  They wouldn't like that.”

Grock, who’s race is descendent from Earth’s dinosaurs, thinks more can be done.

“Earth used to be a peaceful place until the mammals grew too large.” Said Grock. “If we could just kill off every mammal larger than three inches, we’d see a big reduction in crime.”

Cho Ko has concerns.

“I understand the need to keep Earth children safe. I just hope they don’t too far with the security. Earth children need to learn to become thinking active members of society. I’m concerned that if they grow up in a security state, they will be more willing to surrender their democracy as adults.”

None of the Valley View School Board members would speak to The Babbler on the record. One member did tell The Babbler that she has concerns about aliens.

“They come from the sky, but say they’re not from God. I don’t think they’re from other planets. I think they are fallen angels. It’s no coincidence that since their arrival in 1947, we’ve seen an increase in prostitution, drinking, pornography, immoral music, fast food, and atheism.”

When asked to comment, Brown handed this reporter a form and said it needed to be filled out and signed by Mayor Roger Claar before he could conduct an interview. When this reporter told Brown that it was a requisition form for paper clips, Brown replied, “Very good. You’re more observant than Bonnie.” He then closed the door.

According to one estimate, one percent Bolingbrook High School students are space aliens.

Also in The Babbler:

Seahawk's new uniforms sicken hundreds of Bears fans
Former Bolingbrook Mayor Ed Rosenthal adopts weredog!
Clow to host Earth-Mars conference over lunar water rights
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar: Blogger tried to steal my soul!

A source close to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar says the mayor believes a blogger tired to steal his soul at the 9/22/09 Trustee meeting.

At the meeting, Claar asked a member of the audience if he was making a movie.  The man, who later identified himself as a blogger, said he was.  After a short exchange with the Blogger, Claar resumed his comments about school safety.

Steve, who knows Claar, says there is more to the incident.  Claar, he says, felt something tugging at his soul, and believes the blogger’s camera was really a soul stealing machine.

“Steve!”  Claar is alleged to have said, “I was having a good meeting, like I used to have before I ever heard of Bonnie.  Even though Trustee Morales voted against me twice, I didn’t let it worry me, because I was still going to get my way.  Everyone in the audience was happy because I gave most of them a landscaping award.  I had kids on stage, a resident plugged a new restaurant, and Bonnie’s group was acting civilly that night.  Then some blogger tried to steal my soul!  It ruined a perfectly good meeting!”

Claar, according to Steve, credits his strong faith and the goodwill of audience members for stopping the kidnaping of his soul.  Once Claar broke the blogger’s concentration, the machine stopped working, Claar believes.

A Babbler reporter tried to speak with the Blogger after the meeting.  The blogger, who would not give his name, said, as he was running away, “I have to get out of here before Roger figures out which blog I write for!”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I wish this blogger had told me what he was planning to do.  I could have offered him some advice.  Most older residents don’t know that I have my own YouTube video series.  Thanks to Bolingbrook Magazine, I was able to produce a fine example of modern journalism.”

Researchers for The Babbler believe they have located the blogger’s video but they cannot determine the identity of the blogger.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Web Exclusive! The Babbler brings the SGU $5 challenge to YouTube!

In this video, The Babbler's Internet columnist Dale Onofrey explains our $5 challenge to The Skeptics' Guide to the Universe panelists.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Lisle mayor survives ninja attack

Lisle mayor Joe Broda survived an assassination attempt by a ninja at the September 14th Village Trustee Meeting.

Ten minutes before the live broadcast, a ninja detonated a smoke bomb by the public entrance. While most people turned towards the smoke, the ninja dropped down from the ceiling and on the divider behind the trustee’s chairs. The ninja crept towards Mayor Broda. Just before he could jump down, a plain-clothed police officer fired his entire pistol clip into the ninja.

“It was really scary.” Said Assistant Village Clerk Jill Walkerman. “First we saw the smoke, then we heard the gunfire. I ducked under the desk and tried to send out a tweet, but then I remembered that the village hall doesn’t have wifi.”

The officer, who asked that we did not use his name, explained that the Lisle police officers are trained to deal with ninja attacks.

“Ever since Meijer sent pirates to attack the mayor in 2005, we knew it was only a matter of time before they would send ninjas after him.” Said the officer. “Ninjas aren’t really that tough, but they’re the masters of misdirection. So we’ve been trained by Richard Wiseman on how not to be fooled by their tricks. I’m glad I took those lessons seriously. Unlike the rest of the department.”

The ninja’s body fell behind the divider and out of public view. Three unidentified persons rushed behind the divider, and did not return.

Broda pulled out his cell phone and made a call. After asking for the president of Meijer, Broda told him about the attack.

“I’m glad to hear that you’re not involved.” Said Broda. “But let me take this time to reiterate our bipartisan relationship. I tell you to stay out of Lisle, and you stay out of Lisle because you don’t want to be seen as weak and partisan. No, no, no. I’m the Republican in this relationship and you’re the Democrat. Got it? Good.”

As Broda then called the police, the other trustees wondered if they should retreat into the emergency command center. After a minute of heated arguing, Broda put away his cell phone and walked towards his chair. He motioned with his hands to calm down the trustees. He started by talking about how terrorists want to instill fear in others. Then he talked the need to show courage, and how the trustees have demonstrated courage in the past.

We stood up to Meijer when we could turned a blind eye to the public and taken their campaign funds. We courageously ignored the conservatives and spent $9 million dollars to remodel our downtown. I bravely spoke in front of a tea party rally, even though federal money was being used to refurbish the Maple Ave bridge. We’ve always defended the Lisle way of life. Some say we’re NIMBY, but I say we’re not afraid to make the necessary decisions that make Lisle feel like a place to live. We know that when the village benefits, we benefit by getting reelected. Now some terrorists in black pajamas wants us to abandon our courage, and hide in the command center. No! Instead we’re going sit in our chairs and start the meeting as usual. Nothing will strike back at these terrorists harder then approving a liquor license on live TV!”

When the live broadcast started, the trustees stuck to the agenda, while police officers secured the rest of village hall. After the broadcast ended, Broda asked an officer to find out how the ninja got past the razor wire in the ventilation ducts.

While Meijer was initially suspected to be behind the ninja attack, investigators who spoke to The Babbler now believe the Village of Woodridge was behind the attack. Noting Woodridge’s unusual gesture to negotiate a new boundary agreement three and half years early, the investigators suspect that the goal of assassinating Broda was to shock the remaining trustees to ratify the agreement without reviewing it.”

A source close to the Village of Woodridge government denied they were behind the attack, but revealed the real reason the village is offering a new agreement. According to the source, the new agreement will allow Woodridge to build a wall and an underground heat shelter on Lisle border.

“We’ve read the report.” Said the source. “We have to get ready for the deadly summers, and the fall of Illinois civilization. If we wait until 2012 to renegotiate, the trustees will know that global warming is real, and drive a harder bargain for the land. Hey, Lisle’s residents can seek shelter under their trees. We'll look out for ourselves by any means necessary!”

When called for a comment, Broda replied, “Guys! The reporter from Bolingbrook says I survived a ninja attack. What’s that? OK. I’ll ask. Do I know Kung Fu?”

Village clerk Tim Seeden laughed when asked about the Ninja attack. “I guess I was either double checking my equipment, or checking my Facebook page. Did you know that I’m a friend of Roger? I’m hoping he can explain to me why so many people want me to join their mob? I’m not a mobster!”

When this reporter called Trustee Kim Brondyke, she demanded to know how this reporter got her home phone number. Brondyke insisted that she only be reached through village contact page.

“If you ever call me at this number again, I will go to your office and help you demonstrate extreme yoga!”

Also in The Babbler:
Werecat stalks Wheaton
Atheists threaten use skywriters over Chicago
Kanye West spanked by mother's ghost
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/22/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Mayor Claar delivers Republican response to Valley View students

Sources tell The Babbler that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar gave the Republican response to a select group of students in the Valley View School District.  While the speech was supportive of President Barack Obama’s message that students should stay in school, some critics accuse Claar of using his speech to attack his critics.

“I assure you, his speech was free of politics.”  Said a source connected to the school board.  “Instead of a controversy, we were gifted with two great speakers.”

In a transcript obtained by The Babbler, Claar praised Obama’s speech, and then stressed the importance of behaving in class.

“When you’re in school,” said Claar, “the class clown is a funny person.  In the real world, the former class clown is just an annoying person.  I know, because I have to deal with one twice a month!”

Claar also stressed the importance of learning about a variety of subjects.

“When you’re blowing off a class, you’re closing a door to future opportunities.”  Said Claar.  “One day you may need to know something from that class, but you won’t know it.  Even if you have a laptop in front of you, you’ll sound like a babbling idiot to your superiors.”

Later in the speech, Claar explained although there are intelligent people who suffer from dyslexia or dysgraphia, it is important for everyone to make the effort to use proper spelling and grammar.  Eyewitnesses say Claar displayed a slide showing a web site with the headline, “Welcome to the Dupage Independant Party.”

“Are they so independent that they can spell the word anyway they want?”  Asked Claar.  He later added, “The last time I checked, most of Bolingbrook was in Will County.  Granted, part of the village is in DuPage County, but it’s spelled with a capital P.  Right or wrong, this sentence gives the impression that these people don’t know what they’re talking about.  If you want to be taken seriously, you have to use proper spelling and grammar.  If you need help in those areas, it’s OK to ask.  It’s better to get it right, than to have your writing look like something from out of The Weekly Reporter.  Word crunching is just as important as number crunching.”

Claar praised Obama’s message that students should work hard in school, and added his own anecdote.  He said that he was bullied in school.

“I realized that were doing it not because I was a bad person, but because they didn’t want me to be more successful then them.  They ended up in menial farm jobs, but I went to the University of Kansas where I got a PhD including the dissertation!”

Claar also agreed with Obama that the odds are stacked against a student becoming a successful pro athlete or pop star. 

“Most pop stars end broke and can’t remember ever being rich.”  Said Claar.  “They have to play in dirty bars in front of fat elderly fans because they don’t have the skills to get a real job.  That’s hardly glamorous.”

Claar contrasted that example with his own life.

“Because of my grammar and spelling skills, I was able to persuade Bolingbrook's residents to make me their mayor.  Then I was able to build this.”

Claar then showed slides of the Bolingbrook Golf Club’s clubhouse.  Witnesses said the crowd was impressed.  When Claar unveiled his $22,000 used Jaguar on stage, the crowd erupted in applause.

“This is how I Rick-roll.”  Said Claar.  He added, “In this car, I listen to music that you probably wouldn’t like, but that’s OK.  I don’t need to impress anyone with my taste in music.  If you graduate from college, you can afford your own car, and you can play the music you like.  I’ll go further.  If you become mayor, you can build anything you want.  I like golf courses, but you could build a nightclub if you want to.  The world is yours with a college education.”

Claar then concluded by saying, “Gangs bangers promise you riches, but really you’ll end up dead or in jail.  Stay in school, work hard, and you will find true, long lasting success!  Thank you, and God bless Bolingbrook!”

One student, who asked to be called Jake, said he was impressed with Roger’s speech.  “I thought you had to be a music star to have a cool crib.  But Roger showed me that you could also have a cool crib if you get a college education.  I’m going to go to college because I don’t have mad skills!”

A source close to Claar confirmed that he delivered the speech, and said there was a political reason for it.

“He said, ‘Steve, have you read those articles slamming me?  They are filled with misspellings and grammatical mistakes.  There are even mistakes in The Babbler.  I’m convinced that poor writing skills somehow make people hate me.  If more residents improve their writing skills, more people will support me.  Then I will crush Bonnie in the next election!’”

Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook did not respond to our request for an interview, but The Babbler received an anonymous e-mail which read, “Your wrong.  Are spelling is grate!”  It is not clear if this was from an actual CBB member.

When this reporter stopped by Claar’s home, Claar was walking out the door with his wife.  Carrying a golf bag, he denied delivering a rebuttal to Obama’s speech.

“I was out golfing that day, and now I’m going out golfing with my wife.  That’s all have to say.  Oh, my golf cart has Internet access.”  

Claar then made a peace sign, pointed his fingers at his eyes, and then pointed them at this reporter.

Also in The Babbler:
Air Force Black-ops squadron to fly missing man formation over Bolingbrook
Bolingbrook and Romeoville mayors sign peace treaty
Clow officials dispel Facebook reports of an alien invasion
Claar to hire Rebecca Watson as "Village Skeptic"
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/15/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Five suspected anti-vaccination terrorists arrested at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

A joint operation by the Men in Blue and Men in Black at Bolingbrook's Clow UFO Base has netted five suspected members of the interstellar anti-vaccination terrorist group, KukPu'K

The suspected members are accused of genocide by 12 different interstellar governments. The governments claim that the beings started anti-vaccination movements on various planets. Once the majority of inhabitants lost immunity, the suspects allegedly released deadly infectious diseases on the world. On 55 Cancri F, 4 billion died from the easily preventable Black Flu.

"These people are sick liars." Said John, who asked that we not use his real name. "They think they're getting rid of stupid creatures. But by ending herd immunity, they're killing innocent children. Imagine what's happening in Australia, but on a planetary scale."

Officials who spoke to The Babbler say that they seized videos from the leader of KukPu'K, OpKop. In one video, OpKop specifically targets Earth for "de-stupidification."

"When I saw the transmission of Jenny McCarthy picking at her her olfactory organ, I was appalled. Any race that would show the universe this disgusting display is too stupid to be allowed to live!"

It is believed by investigators that the aliens were attempting to contact Jenny McCarthy to provide her with more phony studies, heart-wrenching talking points, and precious metals to fund her activism. It is not clear if she has knowingly made contact with KukPu'K. Humans who work with KukPu'K can be legally framed for crimes against humanity.

The Bolingbrook Department of Interstellar affairs released the following statement:

"Mayor Roger Claar has been fully briefed about the operation, and supports all efforts to protect the human race. Unlike some people, he will not go into hiding when faced with grave threats!"

During the operation, Elyse, a blogger at Skepchick, was brought in for questioning. The Men in Blue saw her in a YouTube video supporting anti-vaccination efforts on Venus. She replied, under intense questioning, that she was only joking, and didn’t know there really were aliens on Venus.

Before the Men in Blue could alter her memory, The Men in Black interrupted the questioning to say that Dr. Steven Novella had vouched for her as a "cover-up blogger", and she was free to go. Before she left, an agent gave her a coupon for "The Roger Treatment" at The Bolingbrook Golf Club.

When this reporter visited the club, he found Elyse eating dinner. She denied receiving a coupon from The Men in Blue.

"The mayor is giving me a complementary meal and free drinks." Said Elyse. "I think he's going to pay me to debunk your publication. I'll find out later this week."

A man then joined her at the table.

"Elyse!" He said. "The bathroom attendant handed me a monogrammed paper towel! A monogrammed paper towel! How Farkle is that?"

Elyse said she was impressed with the golf club.

"It's probably too expensive for a normal Drinking Skeptically event, but if James Randi ever stops by, I'll definitely keep this place in mind. Oh, and the bartenders can make any drink you want. Watch this!"

She then motioned to the waiter.

"More vodka and Tang please." She turned to this reporter and said, "I hope that someday every bar will serve the Buzzed Aldrin."

Also in The Babbler

Interstellar Internet down for two Earth days
Bonnie spotted in Guam
Sources:  Todd Stroger used mind-control to defeat tax cut
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/14/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.