Thursday, August 13, 2009

Web Exclusive! Mayor Claar outwits Teabaggers!

Sources tell The Babbler that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar successfully averted a teabagger riot at the 201 Canterbury LN community center.

According to the sources, Bert Z Krugman, owner of Tai Sum, and Don Leineter, owner of Cajun Sushi, tried to organize a "spontaneous" protest against the restaurant tax at the 8/11/09 Village Board meeting.

"They were really impressed with the work of the 'teabaggers' and thought they could be useful." Said a source. "So they managed to carpool a bunch of them into Bolingbrook. Since the two were members of the Chamber of Commerce, they were able to borrow the Chamber's office to hold a 'prep rally.'" Then after the rally, they planned a march to Village Hall to disrupt the Trustee meeting.

The sources agree that at first Krugman and Leineter were able to control the rally. They emphasized their "Bolingbrook has a 10% restaurant tax" talking point. Even though Bolingbrook really has a 1.5% restaurant tax, the crowd enthusiastically embraced the talking point.

"Then someone said that he heard that Bolingbrook cops were breaking into people's homes and forcing them to eat out." Said Joan, who asked that we didn't use her real name. "(Sum and Leineter) didn't object because they thought the story was building enthusiasm for the protest."

Then, according to the sources, the two began to lose control of the meeting. An audience member said she read in the Bolingbrook Babbler that Claar wants to annex all of Chicago's suburbs. The crowd roared in anger, claiming that Roger wanted to ban home meals in the suburbs. Then a man held up a flyer, and said it proved that Bolingbrook police officers were required to date minors.

"Krugman tried to reassure people that Roger wasn't going to invade their suburbs." Said Joan. "But they called him an Obamaist."

According to Joan, the crowd turned nasty when they learned that there were minorities and women serving on the board.

"They started chanting for Morales's green card, and called the two female trustees 'man-haters.'" Said Joan. "And it kept getting worse. One guy even called Leroy Brown, a good man by the way, but this guy called him a 'propagandist Nazi Gerbil.' I had no idea what he was talking about. Oh, then they really got mad when someone called Roger a member of the 'Democrat Party' and his proof was that Roger donated to ActBlue once."

As the crowd started screaming about the best way to burn down Village Hall, Claar entered the room with Chamber president Gerald McCadd. The sources say that Claar told McCadd to "Watch and learn."

Risking his life, Claar stepped up to the podium and confidently picked up the microphone. The sources say that he started off by complimenting the guns that some men outside the building were holding. Then he asked how many people in the audience were Bolingbrook residents. No one raised their hands.

"I'm impressed that you've traveled all this way to express your concerns." The sources claim Roger said. "I respect your passion and not that only, I want to say that you win." After the cheers, Claar continued. "I will not be taking over your suburbs. You will not be forced to eat in Bolingbrook. Our restaurant tax is 1.5%. Every village employee and official has proof of citizenship, and part of my campaign fund will go towards electing officials who will bring back your America!"

The crowd roared with approval.

"Oh, and if any Bolingbrook police officer tries to date your daughters, let me know and I will take care of it. Now why don't all of you go outside and enjoy some free Nancy's pizzas that are waiting in the parking lot for you fine Americans.

After Claar shook hands and reminded the departing protesters to vote Republican, he approached McCadd and, according to the sources, said, "I had to cancel a trustee meeting because of your mess. I want those two troublemakers kicked out of the Chamber."

McCadd replied that he was really sorry, and started to explain that the Chamber was not under Claar's control, and he would have to follow procedures to remove Krugman and Leineter.

"You will remove them, or you will pay rent." Claar replied.

"Consider them removed." McCadd replied.

Claar then approached Krugman and Leineter. "Those pizza came out of my campaign fund." Claar told them. "I expect to be reimbursed and then I expect a generous donation from each of you. Then I will decide if both of you violated the Good Neighbor Ordinance. Now get out of my sight."

The Babbler could not locate Krugman or Leineter for comment. McCadd refused to be interviewed and mentioned that The Babbler's 1966 suspension from the Chamber was still in effect.

Claar, in a phone interview, denied that the incident occurred, and noted that the village announced the Trustee meeting cancellation on July 30th.

"Recently, people have been saying very mean things about me." Said Claar. "But I think I'm going to take my daughter's advice. From now on, I'll just reply with all the good things I've done, and tell them that Jesus loves me."

In the background, a young woman replied, "You're suppose to say 'Jesus loves you.' Dad."

"Thank you. I know." Replied Claar.

"Whatever dad." She replied. "I'm out of here."

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

2 comments:

Paul said...

What inane nonsesnse.

Sam Goody said...

Using "teabagger" as a tag for your site may draw the wrong type of attention.