Sunday, August 9, 2009

Vampires and ghosts, feud over Lisle McDonald's

McDonald's request to run a 24-hour drive-through at 1019 Maple McDonalds's in Lisle has driven a wedge between the village's ghosts and vampires.

Raven, leader the Western suburban vampires, supports extending the drive-through's hours.

"It's not easy being a vampire in the suburbs." Said Raven. "People are so spread out that we have to wander from burb to burb every night. Plus have you tried to get a meal after 2 AM in the burbs? You can only suck so much blood from Omega and Denny's patrons before you get seriously bored."

Raven believes that the new hours will provide new feeding opportunities for vampires who consider Lisle their home.

"Before, you had to break into a home if you wanted to get a meal after 1 AM in Lisle." Said Raven. "If McDonald's extends their hours, we can feed off their customers, or we can use the drive-through to get a quick bite from the server. It's a win-win for us."

Raven also says that Chicago's Vampire Overlord is expelling more vampires into the suburbs.

"We need all the feeding places we can get."

Mystique, a Lisle medium, says that the McDonald's is a popular hang out for ghosts.

"It's one of the oldest businesses in Lisle." Said Mystique. "The spirits tell me that that between 1 AM and 4:30 AM, they like to take a break from their unfinished business, and hang out at McDonald's. They get to howl, move the tables around, and share their favorite McDonald's memories."

Donna, a ghost for ten years, said, though Mystique, "If the store is staffed during that time, then we have to be quiet. I'm sick of being told to be quiet! I want to a place to scream where the living can't bother me!"

Donna warned that if the drive-through switches to 24 hours, Lisle's ghosts will have no choice but to increase the number of times they harass the living.

Because the change requires approval from Lisle's Board of Trustees, both sides are lobbying the mayor and trustees.

"Some people think Vampires control everything." Said Raven. "The truth is in the summer by the time we wake up, most politicians are asleep. Sure you can try to wake them up and scare them. We tried that in Bolingbrook, but the mayor just formed an anti-vampire task force. So now we just leave a lot of voicemails, have our slaves visit them during the day, or just give them a lot of money. It's tricky, but we can influence them a bit."

According to Donna, the Lisle's ghosts are possessing residents, and having them call or e-mail Lisle's politicians.

"Sure the living hate it when we take over. But they messed with our McDonald's first!"

Donna added that they can't possess politicians because they are too strong willed.

At the August 3rd board meeting, the board voted 4-2 to ask their staff to write an ordinance approving the extended hours, in exchange for restrictions on the brightness of their signs, and the volume of their drive-through speakers.

Raven is hopefully that they can keep enough trustees to pass the final vote. But he feels that they won't get trustee Kim Brondyke's vote.

"A vampire approached her and tried to use his charm powers on her. She drove a stake through his heart and shipped him to me in a crate."

When asked to comment Mayor Broda laughed and said, "I'll play along. Vampires can vote in Lisle, but ghosts can't. Who do you think I'm going to support?"

Brondyke, when asked to comment, insisted that her no vote wasn't influenced by any supernatural creatures. "You had better make that clear to your readers." Said Brondyke. "Otherwise I will go to your Lisle bureau office and give each staff member a personal kick-boxing demonstration."

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to Soviets: Turn off your heat ray!
Source: Bolingbrook community center built over gateway to hell
Baby-eating Naperville teacher tells the Internet he hates 'midgets'
Vegan zombies invade Naperville

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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