Sunday, August 2, 2009

Bolingbrook Mayor to announce two-week moratorium on séances

Sources say that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will announce a two-week moratorium on Séances starting Monday.

According to Steve, a source close to Claar, the decision was made following the death of Debbie Bielawski.

"He said, 'Steve, first of all, this will give Debbie a break from being interrogated by mediums. She's been through enough questioning and deserves to rest in peace. Second, this will also prevent unscrupulous frauds from exploiting Debbie's friends and family!"

Steve said that Claar was going to just ban séances with Bielawski, but was informed that he cannot pass an ordinance that only affects one person.

Mona, a Bolingbrook psychic, says the moratorium is outrageous.

"I have a First Amendment right to speak for the dead!"

Anonymous sources within village hall say that Claar made the decision during a closed meeting with the village board. Some of the sources say that two trustees approached him, claiming that a medium told them that Bielawski's ghost wanted to endorse Claar.

"They though it could be a great way to bury Bonnie's political career once and for all." Said one of the sources.

During the conversation, Claar received an e-mail from Bonnie Alicea. She claimed that a medium told her that Bielawski's ghost is blaming Claar for her death. Unless Claar resigned, Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook would post the information on their web site.

After screaming at his laptop, Claar called an emergency board meeting on Thursday to sort out the two stories.

"For once, he actually demanded Bonnie's presence at a meeting." Said another source.

All the sources agree that the meeting started before Alicea arrived. The board began by questioning Dawn, a medium who said Bielawski's ghost supported Claar. Dawn said she's very certain that Bielawski spoke out in favor of Claar, but conceded that it was difficult to hear the dead.

"Most people don't hear the dead at all." Said Dawn. "So I consider being able to hear barely intelligible comments from the dead to be a gift from God."

Claar, who seemed unimpressed, announced that he was going to teleconference in an "outside expert." He pressed a few buttons, and a live videofeed of famed skeptic James Randi was projected above the trustees. Claar then asked Dawn to perform a Séance.

Unfazed, Dawn started her reading. According to the sources, it started out like this:

Dawn: I'm sensing a presence here, has someone lost a close male or female recently?

Trustee1: It's Debbie!

Dawn: Yes, I think I can sense her white hair flowing--

Trustee2: She didn't have white hair!

Dawn: It will make sense later. Now I sense that she was really old---

Trustee2: She was in her 40s.

Dawn: Yes, I sense that she was in her 40s, but something made her feel old

Trustee1: She must have felt old after being harassed by Bonnie.

Dawn: Yes. I hear her now. She's saying that Bonnie's constant attacks made her feel old.

Trustee1: You're really good!
At the point, James Randi interrupted to say that all Dawn was doing was asking questions. A technique he called Cold Reading.

"You are closed minded." Replied Dawn. Dawn then produced digital tape.

"If you listen closely, you can hear Bonnie say 'I supporter Roger.'" Said Dawn before playing the tape.

After playing the tape, Randi replied. "I'm sorry, I turned off my sound during your explanation. Listening to your tape, all I hear is static."

"You are radiating negative energy." Protested Dawn.

"Are you saying that negative energy can be downloaded from the Internet?" Asked Claar.

Before Dawn could answer, Alicea stormed into the boardroom, demanding that the board, level "her psychic" alone.

Claar asked Alicea if Dawn was the psychic that told her that Bielawski blamed him for her death. Alicea said yes.

Claar then demanded an explanation from Dawn. Dawn, who seemed confused, replied that ghosts have a primary personality, and a "shadow" personality. She said that she must have talked to both personalities. But if she could be compensated for her time, she could determine which one was the primary personality. Then she fell to the ground, started scribbling in a notebook, and speaking in an unknown language.

"Enough!" Claar replied, according to the sources. "You ripped-off my friends and Bonnie's group! I find you in violation of the Good Neighbor Ordinance. Dawn, you are now exiled from Bolingbrook. Get out of my village!"

Alicea then grabbed Dawn by the hair and started dragging her away. "I will gladly escort her out of town, after I finish investigating her!"

After the two left, Randi talked about moving on after someone's death. "It seems to me that your community has suffered a great loss, and is trying to heal. Her loss was senseless, and it seems to me that some residents are trying to find someone to blame, or some reason for her death. I can't tell your residents how to find resolution, but I can offer a warning. Psychics, to paraphrase Russel Freeman, promise to help you, but all they really offer is a weak virtual substitute for the deceased person. The harm is that manipulative games they play can prevent their victims from coming to terms with their loss." Randi also added, that sometimes there is no good reason for why someone dies.

Claar then announced the two-week moratorium on séances in Bolingbrook. He also thanked Randi for his assistance, and asked how he could return the favor.

Randi replied, "Perhaps a donation from your campaign fund will demonstrate to your constituents your commitment to rational thinking."

According to the sources, Claar smiled, and said. "I like how you think. Let's talk in private."

When asked to comment, Claar denied there was a special meeting, and denied that he would make any special announcements. He added, "I know what your next question is. And no, I will not nominate a slate of terminally ill candidates for next trustee election!"

Alicea and Randi refused to be interviewed for this article.

The Babbler has told its psychics not to contact Bielawski.

Also in The Babbler:

CIA forces The Weekly Reporter to shutdown
Bolingbrook police to hold 2012 drills
Trees tell Lisle board to ban skyscrapers for 20 years
Republicans for Human Extinction starts Wheaton chapter
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/5/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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