Thursday, August 6, 2009

Babbler Web Exclusive: Roger Claar born in Pakistan?

Was Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar really born in Pakistan? Bolingbrook resident Reid X DeBurin claims he has proof.

"I was in Kenya looking for Barack Obama's birth certificate, when I came across Roger's birth certificate." Said DeBurin. "I was like, 'Whoa! This changes the history of Bolingbrook.'"

According to the certificate filed in Kenya, Claar was actually born in Islamabad, Pakistan in 1946. DeBurin believes that Claar's parents, both US citizens, were on vacation at the time. After delivering Claar, they continued on to Kenya, where his father filed the birth certificate.

"They probably would have missed their boat if they tried to file in Islamabad." Speculates DeBurin. "Who wants to get stuck in Pakistan?"

When asked to comment, Donnie Gaulburg, a new spokesperson for Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook replied, "As far as we know, Roger Claar is a US citizen. As the most recognized name in Claar investigations, we would be happy to investigate his real birth certificate. I mean his alleged real birth certificate."

Heather Z. Grossman, a new member of CBB, added, "The village charter says that you have be a lifelong resident of Bolingbrook in order to be Mayor. Look at his birth certificate! He spent part of his life in Pakistan! He's been mayor for over twenty years. I don't recognize my village anymore. I want my village back!"

Claar refused to be interviewed for this article, but his spokesperson released this statement: "Roger will not release his birth certificate because we know how this game is played. The state releases the short form; they will demand the long form. The state produces the long form; they'll demand an independent team to examine the document. When the team confirms its authenticity, they'll demand to interview the birth doctor, and every person over the past 60 years who could have ever touched the certificate. They will keep moving the goalposts no mater what we do. This is America. Roger is presumed innocent. It is their job to prove he wasn't born in the United States."

Bolingbrook Village Clerk Carol Penning laughed when presented with a faxed copy of the alleged birth certificate.

"Where to begin?" She said. "First of all this certificate looks like something you can download off the Internet. Second, even if Roger were born in Pakistan, he would still be a US citizen, just like John McCain is. Third, this certificate has the wrong birth date, the wrong names for his parents, and it misspells Effingham. Fourth, there is no requirement for the Mayor of Bolingbrook to have been born in Bolingbrook, or to be born in the United States. If you're a US citizen, a Bolingbrook resident, and can sign your name the same way twice, you can run for mayor. Where do you guys come up with these stories? I don't know what can be worse than being interviewed by The Babbler?"

In the background, a man yelled, "These 100 FOIA requests are brought to you by Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook INC. The leading supplier of busy work for Bolingbrook staffers since 2009!"

Penning screamed and then hung-up the phone.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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