Thursday, August 20, 2009

Babbler Web Exclusive: Lisle to create cyborg tree!

A source, with a relative close to an employee of the Village of Lisle, claims the village board is trying to create a cyborg tree.

Don, who asked that we not use his real name, claims that the 8/17/09 village trustee meeting proves his claim. In the meeting, a representative from T-Mobile made a presentation about their request to put up antennas on the Lexington Road Water Tower, and to build an underground electronics vault next to the tower. During the presentation, the trustees expressed concern about possible damage to a nearby tree, but seemed open to the proposal.

"Come on!" Exclaimed Don. "Lisle, the home of tree hugging Republicans, is considering putting a tree at risk? Please! That presentation was just a dog and pony show. Everyone knows that the thinking trees control the village board. The trees want that vault to be built!"

According to Don, the real plan is to attach the roots of the sentient tree to the electronics vault. If it works, the tree will gain cellular, text, and Internet access. The tree would then use its psychic connection with Lisle's other intelligent trees to give them access as well.

Don also produced a page from the minutes of the trustee's executive session. In the page, a trustee is quoted as saying, "You can't stop the march of science! And that means we shouldn't prevent the creation of cyborg trees! We need to bring our trees into the 21st century if they're going to survive in a wireless world!"

Jay V Kleinhelm, leader of the Lisle Human Resistance Front, is afraid of the cyborg tree. "We have suffered under the tyranny of the treeocracy for over a hundred years!" He screamed. "Now the evil trees want to combine their wisdom with the power of the Internet! When they see what we're doing to the environment, they'll want to extend their treeocracy to the rest of the world!" Kleinhelm says he considering firebombing the Morton Arboretum "before it's too late!"

Donna Moonfire, a pro-tree blogger, says that humanity has nothing to fear.

"Lisle has prospered under the benevolent rule of the trees. They only use their army of human-tree hybrids to protect themselves. The world has nothing to fear. If anything, their age and wisdom will improve the quality of comments on the Internet. Who knows, maybe the power of the Internet will allow the world to share the love Lisle have for its trees. Personally, I think the world could use a lot more online tree love!"

When asked to comment, Mayor Joe Broda seemed to be caught off guard.

"You were at our board meeting? A reporter was at our meeting? Honey, a newspaper actually sent a reporter all the way from Bolingbrook to attend our board meeting! Boy, I don't know what to think. Should I be honored that a publication considers our meetings newsworthy enough to cover, or horrified that a crazy tabloid is covering our meetings?"

A Babbler reporter tried to catch up with Trustee Kim Brondyke on her morning power walk. He collapsed from exhaustion after running for 30 seconds, and never got close enough to interview her.

The other trustees refused to be interviewed by The Babbler.

No tree in Lisle would speak to The Babbler.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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