Saturday, August 29, 2009

Village of Bolingbrook ponders taking over newsstands

Sources tell The Bolingbrook Babbler that the Village of Bolingbrook is considering seizing control of all newsstands in Bolingbrook.  The sources also say that the move is not related to two negative stories about Mayor Roger Claar published in the Chicago Tribune.
"Roger thinks newspapers are ripping off the residents of Bolingbrook."  Said Steve, a source close to Mayor Claar.  "He said, 'Steve, take the Chicago Tribune for example.  They've cut the size of paper, charge the same amount, and then cut back on the amount of real news they print.  The way they treat their readers is criminal!'" 
According to various sources, the village may use its power of immanent domain to seize all newsstands, boxes, and any physical object in Bolingbrook used to distribute daily, weekly, or monthly publications.  The publications would then have to negotiate with the village if they want to sell their publications in Bolingbrook.  Individuals who hand out publications would be immune, provided they do not use a "permanent" object to store the publications.
Steve says Claar cited his own recent experiences with The Tribune Company.
"Roger said, 'First they wrote two articles in their paper, trashing my reputation and my golf course.  So my critics bought their newspaper, and supported their advertisers.  Then I'm brought on to a WGN radio show to present my side of the story.  So my supporters drove up their ratings, and bought products from their advertisers!  They played both sides!'"
All the sources agree that Claar believes that the Village can use its new bargaining position to improve the quality of articles about Bolingbrook.  According to Steve, Claar said, "We have a low crime rate, but when is the last time you read about that in a newspaper?  No, all they want to do write about my campaign fund.  Let me tell you this.  My campaign fund proves that an entire community loves me.  Sure those reporters are loved by their families, but do they have campaign funds?"
Village attorneys are trying to determine if such a move is Constitutional.  They are testing the argument that The First Amendment only applies to free speech, not paid speech.  Because newspapers charge for each issue, the argument goes, they are not a protected speech, and fall under the Village's power to seize property in the public interest.  The attorneys expect to have their recommendations ready before the next Village Trustee meeting.
Steve says that Claar knows this is a very unusual move for a mayor.  "He said, 'Steve, I hate socialism as much as the next Republican.  But when it comes to my reputation and my water bill, I'm willing to make exceptions.'"
When The Babbler called Claar for his comment, he replied that he couldn't talk because he was in the middle of an "extra-thorough" audit of his future campaign spending plans.
During the conversation, a man in the background said, "You cannot charge a hot tub to your campaign fund."
"It's for my therapeutic spa!"  Claar replied.  "You try canvassing neighborhoods at my age.  Then you'll understand!"
Also in The Babbler
Bonnie shows off tan as she claims she hasn't moved to Florida 
Will County officials say buying Europa water is cheaper than buying Lake Michigan water
Lisle McDonalds to offer 'quiet space' for local ghosts
Naperville rejects minimum salary requirements for residents
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/7/09.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Very Happy Bolingbrook Christian threatened by Illinois Pagan Family Institute

For three years, Valley View 365U Spanish teacher Hans Lunger has run his own blog, The Very Happy Bolingbrook Christian.  He's defended moderate and liberal Christian beliefs on the blog.  As a joke, he posts pictures of himself in a suit and ties at various parties.  He says it's to play off the stereotype that serious Christians are boring.  While he's engaged in a few theological debates online, he says he's never had a problem separating his blogging from his professional career.
Until two weeks ago, when he made one fateful post.
Lunger noted on his blog that the Illinois Pagan Family Institute was urging its followers to avoid Hidden Lakes Historic Trout Farm because a Christian group was holding an event there.  Called Fishing for the Lord, Christians from various dominations were going fish at Hidden Lakes while wearing crosses and pro-Christian apparel.   The IPFI objected to the presence of crosses at the private event because children shouldn't be exposed to "brutal instruments of torture!"
Lunger wrote, "They're being silly. Secular people wear offensive symbols all the time, and it doesn't bother me.  What would make this event better is if someone would walk by  (Coven Leader) Hecate's home carrying a cross."  Lunger then added that Hecate was free to do what she wants with her children.  "Maybe she could cast a spell on them to trap them in her home.  Because she certainly can't take the risk of them escaping and, gasp, meeting real Christians!"
This post prompted the IPFI to a letter to the school board and to the media condemning Lunger and calling for his removal.  Lunger has retaliated, and is now in the middle of an Internet flame war.  The letter said that parents should know the personal and political beliefs of every teacher, "because some parents might be not want a man who's dedicated his life to spreading the negative energy of a zombie religion as a role-model for their children."
"I was stunned!"  Said Lunger.  "I'm just posting my personal opinion.  I don't talk about religion in class.  I shouldn't have to give up my personal life just because some parent might be offended.  That's no reason to fire me."
Hecate said she isn't trying to get Lunger fired.
"We just don't want him teaching, working or living within the Valley View School District.  That is not the same thing as firing him."  Said Hecate.
A spokesperson for the school district said that Lunger's job is safe.
"The majority of our parents are Christians.  We'd lose the next election if we fired someone for being a Christian.  Plus we know that he keeps his personal beliefs out of the classroom.  Now if he were an atheist blogger in the same situation, it might be different, but we'll deal with that if it ever happens."
Though Hecate denies this, sources tell The Babbler that the IPFI sent representatives to speak with Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar in his home.
"He gave them 30 seconds to talk while he was searching the Internet."  Said the source.  "He told me does searches because, 'there are people on the Internet who are wrong about me!'"
After a few seconds, Claar interrupted them to say that he had no authority over the school board.  Hecate replied that Claar has endorsed board members, and that gave him some influence over them.  Hecate then chanted, and $140 seemed to magically appear in her hands. 
"The goddess Athena has given you money!"  Said Hecate, according to the source.  "If you remove Mr. Lunger, you will be rewarded threefold if you know what I mean.  And you don't have to report it because Illinois law doesn't cover donations from goddesses!"
The source said that Claar stood up and yelled, "This is what I'm talking about!  People on the Internet say I accept bribes.  That's not true!  Now get out!"  As the IPFI representatives left, the source said Claar yelled, "If I did accept bribes, you didn't give me enough money!"  The source says Claar directed him to donate the money to Citizen for a Better Bolingbrook in Claar's name because, "it will confuse their followers."
When asked to comment, Claar demanded to know the names of any Babbler staffers who were also Bolingbrook Jaycees members.  When told there were none, he hung up.

Also in The Babbler:

Sources: Brett Favre to retire before the start of the season
Chicago woman produces anti-psychic jewelry 
Ford to debut biological cars at Lisle Cruise Night
Romeoville Man tries to make perpetual motion machine using a cat strapped to buttered toast
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/1/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Babbler Web Exclusive: Lisle to create cyborg tree!

A source, with a relative close to an employee of the Village of Lisle, claims the village board is trying to create a cyborg tree.

Don, who asked that we not use his real name, claims that the 8/17/09 village trustee meeting proves his claim. In the meeting, a representative from T-Mobile made a presentation about their request to put up antennas on the Lexington Road Water Tower, and to build an underground electronics vault next to the tower. During the presentation, the trustees expressed concern about possible damage to a nearby tree, but seemed open to the proposal.

"Come on!" Exclaimed Don. "Lisle, the home of tree hugging Republicans, is considering putting a tree at risk? Please! That presentation was just a dog and pony show. Everyone knows that the thinking trees control the village board. The trees want that vault to be built!"

According to Don, the real plan is to attach the roots of the sentient tree to the electronics vault. If it works, the tree will gain cellular, text, and Internet access. The tree would then use its psychic connection with Lisle's other intelligent trees to give them access as well.

Don also produced a page from the minutes of the trustee's executive session. In the page, a trustee is quoted as saying, "You can't stop the march of science! And that means we shouldn't prevent the creation of cyborg trees! We need to bring our trees into the 21st century if they're going to survive in a wireless world!"

Jay V Kleinhelm, leader of the Lisle Human Resistance Front, is afraid of the cyborg tree. "We have suffered under the tyranny of the treeocracy for over a hundred years!" He screamed. "Now the evil trees want to combine their wisdom with the power of the Internet! When they see what we're doing to the environment, they'll want to extend their treeocracy to the rest of the world!" Kleinhelm says he considering firebombing the Morton Arboretum "before it's too late!"

Donna Moonfire, a pro-tree blogger, says that humanity has nothing to fear.

"Lisle has prospered under the benevolent rule of the trees. They only use their army of human-tree hybrids to protect themselves. The world has nothing to fear. If anything, their age and wisdom will improve the quality of comments on the Internet. Who knows, maybe the power of the Internet will allow the world to share the love Lisle have for its trees. Personally, I think the world could use a lot more online tree love!"

When asked to comment, Mayor Joe Broda seemed to be caught off guard.

"You were at our board meeting? A reporter was at our meeting? Honey, a newspaper actually sent a reporter all the way from Bolingbrook to attend our board meeting! Boy, I don't know what to think. Should I be honored that a publication considers our meetings newsworthy enough to cover, or horrified that a crazy tabloid is covering our meetings?"

A Babbler reporter tried to catch up with Trustee Kim Brondyke on her morning power walk. He collapsed from exhaustion after running for 30 seconds, and never got close enough to interview her.

The other trustees refused to be interviewed by The Babbler.

No tree in Lisle would speak to The Babbler.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

UFO rides a hit at Bolingbrook Jubilee

By Reporter X

During this year's Bolingbrook Jubilee, several VIPs and their families got to take a ride on a UFO.

"This is an opportunity to maintain good relations between Clow UFO base and the community." Said Carol Dunnsworth with the Department of Interstellar Affairs. "Many people are afraid of our alien neighbors because they're worried they might be abducted, or get in trouble with our covert facilitators. These flights will show a select few that the aliens are our friends, and why it is important to keep them a secret from the mainstream media."

The Tau Ceti Empire loaned a luxury class cloaked shuttle for the Jubilee. Most the guests sat in the observation deck as the craft levitated to 13 miles above the Earth. During the 20-minute trip, many looked out in awe while village officials lectured them about the importance of Clow UFO Base to the local and national economy.

"I can see Bolingbrook from space!" Said a 12 year-old boy during one of the trips. "It's so small!"

"The Chicago area looks like one big city." Said Mary, who asked not to be identified. "Maybe we should stop thinking of ourselves as suburbs, and start thinking of ourselves as one big community. Wow. I haven't thought that way since the 1960s."

Some VIPs, like Mayor Roger Claar, could spend their time in UFO's bar deck, and take as trips as they wanted to.

"Our interstellar neighbors have been very generous to us." Said Claar during one the lectures. "Clow UFO base now employs 10 percent of Bolingbrook's residents. The technology generated from Clow is responsible for 70 percent of the jobs in the Chicago area. That's why I work everyday to make sure we can provide them the best home away from home."

During the last flight on Sunday, Claar invited Bolingbrook Jaycees president Sean Buckley for a ride.

"Sean," Claar said during the flight, "I thought your group was telling The Babbler that they were unhappy that the village didn't provide them with a free office. But my investigation proved that this wasn't case. So I want to say, thank you for making this year's Jubilee a success."

Buckley accepted Roger's gratitude and added, "Roger, we secretly control all of Bolingbrook's businesses. We don't need the office space. We just want to keep offering Bolingbrook a great Jubilee experience!"

Buckley later told this reporter, "This spaceship is great. It has a great bar, and a great view. Not only that, but it can travel several hundred miles per hour, and the ride is so smooth, that I haven't spilled my soda once! Hopefully we can offer UFO flights every year! If this is what alien abductions are really like, then they can abduct me any time they want!

The Tau Ceti Ambassador said they would seriously consider loaning the ship out for the 2010 Jubilee.

Also in The Babbler

The rest of the universe is flying away from Earth!
Lisle trustee Kim Brondyke gives free kickboxing lesson to Babbler staffers
Baby-eating atheist keeps Naperville teaching job
Valley View School District suggests that students get a werewolf vaccination

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Web Exclusive! Mayor Claar outwits Teabaggers!

Sources tell The Babbler that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar successfully averted a teabagger riot at the 201 Canterbury LN community center.

According to the sources, Bert Z Krugman, owner of Tai Sum, and Don Leineter, owner of Cajun Sushi, tried to organize a "spontaneous" protest against the restaurant tax at the 8/11/09 Village Board meeting.

"They were really impressed with the work of the 'teabaggers' and thought they could be useful." Said a source. "So they managed to carpool a bunch of them into Bolingbrook. Since the two were members of the Chamber of Commerce, they were able to borrow the Chamber's office to hold a 'prep rally.'" Then after the rally, they planned a march to Village Hall to disrupt the Trustee meeting.

The sources agree that at first Krugman and Leineter were able to control the rally. They emphasized their "Bolingbrook has a 10% restaurant tax" talking point. Even though Bolingbrook really has a 1.5% restaurant tax, the crowd enthusiastically embraced the talking point.

"Then someone said that he heard that Bolingbrook cops were breaking into people's homes and forcing them to eat out." Said Joan, who asked that we didn't use her real name. "(Sum and Leineter) didn't object because they thought the story was building enthusiasm for the protest."

Then, according to the sources, the two began to lose control of the meeting. An audience member said she read in the Bolingbrook Babbler that Claar wants to annex all of Chicago's suburbs. The crowd roared in anger, claiming that Roger wanted to ban home meals in the suburbs. Then a man held up a flyer, and said it proved that Bolingbrook police officers were required to date minors.

"Krugman tried to reassure people that Roger wasn't going to invade their suburbs." Said Joan. "But they called him an Obamaist."

According to Joan, the crowd turned nasty when they learned that there were minorities and women serving on the board.

"They started chanting for Morales's green card, and called the two female trustees 'man-haters.'" Said Joan. "And it kept getting worse. One guy even called Leroy Brown, a good man by the way, but this guy called him a 'propagandist Nazi Gerbil.' I had no idea what he was talking about. Oh, then they really got mad when someone called Roger a member of the 'Democrat Party' and his proof was that Roger donated to ActBlue once."

As the crowd started screaming about the best way to burn down Village Hall, Claar entered the room with Chamber president Gerald McCadd. The sources say that Claar told McCadd to "Watch and learn."

Risking his life, Claar stepped up to the podium and confidently picked up the microphone. The sources say that he started off by complimenting the guns that some men outside the building were holding. Then he asked how many people in the audience were Bolingbrook residents. No one raised their hands.

"I'm impressed that you've traveled all this way to express your concerns." The sources claim Roger said. "I respect your passion and not that only, I want to say that you win." After the cheers, Claar continued. "I will not be taking over your suburbs. You will not be forced to eat in Bolingbrook. Our restaurant tax is 1.5%. Every village employee and official has proof of citizenship, and part of my campaign fund will go towards electing officials who will bring back your America!"

The crowd roared with approval.

"Oh, and if any Bolingbrook police officer tries to date your daughters, let me know and I will take care of it. Now why don't all of you go outside and enjoy some free Nancy's pizzas that are waiting in the parking lot for you fine Americans.

After Claar shook hands and reminded the departing protesters to vote Republican, he approached McCadd and, according to the sources, said, "I had to cancel a trustee meeting because of your mess. I want those two troublemakers kicked out of the Chamber."

McCadd replied that he was really sorry, and started to explain that the Chamber was not under Claar's control, and he would have to follow procedures to remove Krugman and Leineter.

"You will remove them, or you will pay rent." Claar replied.

"Consider them removed." McCadd replied.

Claar then approached Krugman and Leineter. "Those pizza came out of my campaign fund." Claar told them. "I expect to be reimbursed and then I expect a generous donation from each of you. Then I will decide if both of you violated the Good Neighbor Ordinance. Now get out of my sight."

The Babbler could not locate Krugman or Leineter for comment. McCadd refused to be interviewed and mentioned that The Babbler's 1966 suspension from the Chamber was still in effect.

Claar, in a phone interview, denied that the incident occurred, and noted that the village announced the Trustee meeting cancellation on July 30th.

"Recently, people have been saying very mean things about me." Said Claar. "But I think I'm going to take my daughter's advice. From now on, I'll just reply with all the good things I've done, and tell them that Jesus loves me."

In the background, a young woman replied, "You're suppose to say 'Jesus loves you.' Dad."

"Thank you. I know." Replied Claar.

"Whatever dad." She replied. "I'm out of here."

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Vampires and ghosts, feud over Lisle McDonald's

McDonald's request to run a 24-hour drive-through at 1019 Maple McDonalds's in Lisle has driven a wedge between the village's ghosts and vampires.

Raven, leader the Western suburban vampires, supports extending the drive-through's hours.

"It's not easy being a vampire in the suburbs." Said Raven. "People are so spread out that we have to wander from burb to burb every night. Plus have you tried to get a meal after 2 AM in the burbs? You can only suck so much blood from Omega and Denny's patrons before you get seriously bored."

Raven believes that the new hours will provide new feeding opportunities for vampires who consider Lisle their home.

"Before, you had to break into a home if you wanted to get a meal after 1 AM in Lisle." Said Raven. "If McDonald's extends their hours, we can feed off their customers, or we can use the drive-through to get a quick bite from the server. It's a win-win for us."

Raven also says that Chicago's Vampire Overlord is expelling more vampires into the suburbs.

"We need all the feeding places we can get."

Mystique, a Lisle medium, says that the McDonald's is a popular hang out for ghosts.

"It's one of the oldest businesses in Lisle." Said Mystique. "The spirits tell me that that between 1 AM and 4:30 AM, they like to take a break from their unfinished business, and hang out at McDonald's. They get to howl, move the tables around, and share their favorite McDonald's memories."

Donna, a ghost for ten years, said, though Mystique, "If the store is staffed during that time, then we have to be quiet. I'm sick of being told to be quiet! I want to a place to scream where the living can't bother me!"

Donna warned that if the drive-through switches to 24 hours, Lisle's ghosts will have no choice but to increase the number of times they harass the living.

Because the change requires approval from Lisle's Board of Trustees, both sides are lobbying the mayor and trustees.

"Some people think Vampires control everything." Said Raven. "The truth is in the summer by the time we wake up, most politicians are asleep. Sure you can try to wake them up and scare them. We tried that in Bolingbrook, but the mayor just formed an anti-vampire task force. So now we just leave a lot of voicemails, have our slaves visit them during the day, or just give them a lot of money. It's tricky, but we can influence them a bit."

According to Donna, the Lisle's ghosts are possessing residents, and having them call or e-mail Lisle's politicians.

"Sure the living hate it when we take over. But they messed with our McDonald's first!"

Donna added that they can't possess politicians because they are too strong willed.

At the August 3rd board meeting, the board voted 4-2 to ask their staff to write an ordinance approving the extended hours, in exchange for restrictions on the brightness of their signs, and the volume of their drive-through speakers.

Raven is hopefully that they can keep enough trustees to pass the final vote. But he feels that they won't get trustee Kim Brondyke's vote.

"A vampire approached her and tried to use his charm powers on her. She drove a stake through his heart and shipped him to me in a crate."

When asked to comment Mayor Broda laughed and said, "I'll play along. Vampires can vote in Lisle, but ghosts can't. Who do you think I'm going to support?"

Brondyke, when asked to comment, insisted that her no vote wasn't influenced by any supernatural creatures. "You had better make that clear to your readers." Said Brondyke. "Otherwise I will go to your Lisle bureau office and give each staff member a personal kick-boxing demonstration."

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to Soviets: Turn off your heat ray!
Source: Bolingbrook community center built over gateway to hell
Baby-eating Naperville teacher tells the Internet he hates 'midgets'
Vegan zombies invade Naperville

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Babbler Web Exclusive: Roger Claar born in Pakistan?

Was Bolingbrook mayor Roger Claar really born in Pakistan? Bolingbrook resident Reid X DeBurin claims he has proof.

"I was in Kenya looking for Barack Obama's birth certificate, when I came across Roger's birth certificate." Said DeBurin. "I was like, 'Whoa! This changes the history of Bolingbrook.'"

According to the certificate filed in Kenya, Claar was actually born in Islamabad, Pakistan in 1946. DeBurin believes that Claar's parents, both US citizens, were on vacation at the time. After delivering Claar, they continued on to Kenya, where his father filed the birth certificate.

"They probably would have missed their boat if they tried to file in Islamabad." Speculates DeBurin. "Who wants to get stuck in Pakistan?"

When asked to comment, Donnie Gaulburg, a new spokesperson for Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook replied, "As far as we know, Roger Claar is a US citizen. As the most recognized name in Claar investigations, we would be happy to investigate his real birth certificate. I mean his alleged real birth certificate."

Heather Z. Grossman, a new member of CBB, added, "The village charter says that you have be a lifelong resident of Bolingbrook in order to be Mayor. Look at his birth certificate! He spent part of his life in Pakistan! He's been mayor for over twenty years. I don't recognize my village anymore. I want my village back!"

Claar refused to be interviewed for this article, but his spokesperson released this statement: "Roger will not release his birth certificate because we know how this game is played. The state releases the short form; they will demand the long form. The state produces the long form; they'll demand an independent team to examine the document. When the team confirms its authenticity, they'll demand to interview the birth doctor, and every person over the past 60 years who could have ever touched the certificate. They will keep moving the goalposts no mater what we do. This is America. Roger is presumed innocent. It is their job to prove he wasn't born in the United States."

Bolingbrook Village Clerk Carol Penning laughed when presented with a faxed copy of the alleged birth certificate.

"Where to begin?" She said. "First of all this certificate looks like something you can download off the Internet. Second, even if Roger were born in Pakistan, he would still be a US citizen, just like John McCain is. Third, this certificate has the wrong birth date, the wrong names for his parents, and it misspells Effingham. Fourth, there is no requirement for the Mayor of Bolingbrook to have been born in Bolingbrook, or to be born in the United States. If you're a US citizen, a Bolingbrook resident, and can sign your name the same way twice, you can run for mayor. Where do you guys come up with these stories? I don't know what can be worse than being interviewed by The Babbler?"

In the background, a man yelled, "These 100 FOIA requests are brought to you by Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook INC. The leading supplier of busy work for Bolingbrook staffers since 2009!"

Penning screamed and then hung-up the phone.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Bolingbrook Mayor to announce two-week moratorium on séances

Sources say that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will announce a two-week moratorium on Séances starting Monday.

According to Steve, a source close to Claar, the decision was made following the death of Debbie Bielawski.

"He said, 'Steve, first of all, this will give Debbie a break from being interrogated by mediums. She's been through enough questioning and deserves to rest in peace. Second, this will also prevent unscrupulous frauds from exploiting Debbie's friends and family!"

Steve said that Claar was going to just ban séances with Bielawski, but was informed that he cannot pass an ordinance that only affects one person.

Mona, a Bolingbrook psychic, says the moratorium is outrageous.

"I have a First Amendment right to speak for the dead!"

Anonymous sources within village hall say that Claar made the decision during a closed meeting with the village board. Some of the sources say that two trustees approached him, claiming that a medium told them that Bielawski's ghost wanted to endorse Claar.

"They though it could be a great way to bury Bonnie's political career once and for all." Said one of the sources.

During the conversation, Claar received an e-mail from Bonnie Alicea. She claimed that a medium told her that Bielawski's ghost is blaming Claar for her death. Unless Claar resigned, Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook would post the information on their web site.

After screaming at his laptop, Claar called an emergency board meeting on Thursday to sort out the two stories.

"For once, he actually demanded Bonnie's presence at a meeting." Said another source.

All the sources agree that the meeting started before Alicea arrived. The board began by questioning Dawn, a medium who said Bielawski's ghost supported Claar. Dawn said she's very certain that Bielawski spoke out in favor of Claar, but conceded that it was difficult to hear the dead.

"Most people don't hear the dead at all." Said Dawn. "So I consider being able to hear barely intelligible comments from the dead to be a gift from God."

Claar, who seemed unimpressed, announced that he was going to teleconference in an "outside expert." He pressed a few buttons, and a live videofeed of famed skeptic James Randi was projected above the trustees. Claar then asked Dawn to perform a Séance.

Unfazed, Dawn started her reading. According to the sources, it started out like this:

Dawn: I'm sensing a presence here, has someone lost a close male or female recently?

Trustee1: It's Debbie!

Dawn: Yes, I think I can sense her white hair flowing--

Trustee2: She didn't have white hair!

Dawn: It will make sense later. Now I sense that she was really old---

Trustee2: She was in her 40s.

Dawn: Yes, I sense that she was in her 40s, but something made her feel old

Trustee1: She must have felt old after being harassed by Bonnie.

Dawn: Yes. I hear her now. She's saying that Bonnie's constant attacks made her feel old.

Trustee1: You're really good!
At the point, James Randi interrupted to say that all Dawn was doing was asking questions. A technique he called Cold Reading.

"You are closed minded." Replied Dawn. Dawn then produced digital tape.

"If you listen closely, you can hear Bonnie say 'I supporter Roger.'" Said Dawn before playing the tape.

After playing the tape, Randi replied. "I'm sorry, I turned off my sound during your explanation. Listening to your tape, all I hear is static."

"You are radiating negative energy." Protested Dawn.

"Are you saying that negative energy can be downloaded from the Internet?" Asked Claar.

Before Dawn could answer, Alicea stormed into the boardroom, demanding that the board, level "her psychic" alone.

Claar asked Alicea if Dawn was the psychic that told her that Bielawski blamed him for her death. Alicea said yes.

Claar then demanded an explanation from Dawn. Dawn, who seemed confused, replied that ghosts have a primary personality, and a "shadow" personality. She said that she must have talked to both personalities. But if she could be compensated for her time, she could determine which one was the primary personality. Then she fell to the ground, started scribbling in a notebook, and speaking in an unknown language.

"Enough!" Claar replied, according to the sources. "You ripped-off my friends and Bonnie's group! I find you in violation of the Good Neighbor Ordinance. Dawn, you are now exiled from Bolingbrook. Get out of my village!"

Alicea then grabbed Dawn by the hair and started dragging her away. "I will gladly escort her out of town, after I finish investigating her!"

After the two left, Randi talked about moving on after someone's death. "It seems to me that your community has suffered a great loss, and is trying to heal. Her loss was senseless, and it seems to me that some residents are trying to find someone to blame, or some reason for her death. I can't tell your residents how to find resolution, but I can offer a warning. Psychics, to paraphrase Russel Freeman, promise to help you, but all they really offer is a weak virtual substitute for the deceased person. The harm is that manipulative games they play can prevent their victims from coming to terms with their loss." Randi also added, that sometimes there is no good reason for why someone dies.

Claar then announced the two-week moratorium on séances in Bolingbrook. He also thanked Randi for his assistance, and asked how he could return the favor.

Randi replied, "Perhaps a donation from your campaign fund will demonstrate to your constituents your commitment to rational thinking."

According to the sources, Claar smiled, and said. "I like how you think. Let's talk in private."

When asked to comment, Claar denied there was a special meeting, and denied that he would make any special announcements. He added, "I know what your next question is. And no, I will not nominate a slate of terminally ill candidates for next trustee election!"

Alicea and Randi refused to be interviewed for this article.

The Babbler has told its psychics not to contact Bielawski.

Also in The Babbler:

CIA forces The Weekly Reporter to shutdown
Bolingbrook police to hold 2012 drills
Trees tell Lisle board to ban skyscrapers for 20 years
Republicans for Human Extinction starts Wheaton chapter
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/5/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.