Sunday, July 26, 2009

Mayor Roger Claar abducted by aliens!

'I was not probed!' insists Claar

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is free and in good health following Saturday's alien abduction.

According to eyewitnesses, a UFO flew over Claar's home on Saturday morning.

"I was jogging by his house, when I noticed that things around me were moving very slowly." Said Joan, a neighbor.

According to Joan, the UFO emitted a beam of light. Claar, wearing a full jogging suit, floated through the roof and towards the saucer.

"He shook his fist at the saucer and yelled, 'don't you know who I am? I'm the mayor of Bolingbrook!' Then I saw three Men in Blue running towards the house. They were screaming 'no', but it sounded distorted. . It was like watching video in super slow-mo."

Other witnesses said the UFO tried to flee the area, but was stopped.

"It's like the thing hit an invisible wall in the sky." Said Jack, another neighbor. "The front end was so smashed in, that I wondered how it could stay up in the sky."

Sources within the Bolingbrook's Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs believe that the aliens managed to secure the access code to get past the aerial force field that protects Claar's home. The aliens, however, only had the entrance code.

"They apparently didn't realize that they also needed the exit code in order to leave the force field." Said Tim C. Matthews, a spokesperson for the department.

During the ten-minute standoff, the Men in Blue managed to reactivate the home's defensive guns, and lock them on the UFO. The Men in Blue then negotiated Claar's release, in exchange, they promised not to kill the aliens after they turned themselves in.

According to sources inside Claar's home, once Claar reappeared in his home, he immediately pressed the red button on his desk, firing the guns, and destroying the UFO.

"I don't care what you told them." Claar said. "No one does that to me, and lives!"

Claar continued his outburst for several minutes.

"Heads will roll because of this!" Yelled Claar. "If I have to purge every Man in Blue to get justice, I will!" He then added, "By the way, I was not probed! Don’t you forget that!"

Abduction experts who spoke to The Babbler agreed that Claar probably wasn't probed during the stand-off.

"They haven't used anal probes since the 1960s." Said Charlie X. Miller PhD ABD. "Instead they use highly advanced CAT scans that can see down to the molecular level. Then if they need to take a tissue sample, they can use a transporter to get what they need. So he might have been scanned, but he probably wasn't probed."

Bolingbrook is one of three communities in Illinois where alien abductions are legal. Aliens who want to abduct Bolingbrook residents must pay an abduction tax first and avoid restricted neighborhoods. Critics claim that the Village Government uses the plan to protect the subdivisions of some elected officials, and that some subdivisions, like Beacon Ridge, have a disproportionate number of abductions. Supporters say that aliens abduction will happen no matter what the village does, so it is best to collect taxes from the aliens, and regulate the abduction process.

With Bolingbrook's declining population, and the recent increase in the abduction tax, many UFO crews are tempted to go into the restricted neighborhoods in order get enough abductees to make a profit. Which may have led this crew to try to abduct Claar.

Matthews disagrees. "We are treating this like a politically motivated kidnapping, not a unauthorized abduction."

Sources at Clow UFO base say that 100 aliens have been detained for questioning. They have not been charged with a crime, but will be detained until "they tell us what we want to hear."

In an unusual move, Bolingbrook deported 5 homeless men to Chicago. Officials claim they were not former Men in Blue agents.

"We just figured they would fare better under Cook County's welfare system than they would under our pro-business government." Said an anonymous source. "Besides, having dead people in the gutters is a big turn off to potential businesses."

When asked for comment, Claar denied that he was abducted.

"I got dragged out of the shower for this?" Claar yelled. "Look, the only probing I've experienced this week is from your probing questions!"

Also in The Babbler:
Alien singer a hit at Bolingbrook Restaurant event
Downer's Grove official: Downers Grove is not like Cuba!
Naperville George Pradel tells PETA, 'I will not ban house pets from Naperville!'
Lisle man hospitalized after inhaling CO2 to protest 'global warming hoax'

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.


Brian_E said...

I witnessed Claar water boarding a gray alien in a bathroom stall at the golf club late Saturday night. I figured I was seeing things after drinking too much, but after reading this it all makes sense now. Someone needs to notify the Galactic Ethics Council that Mayor Claar is clearly in violation regarding his treatment of alien POWs.

Sam Goody said...

I'm just glad to know that anal probes have gone out of style.

Anonymous said...

I wish my town did cute stuff like this instead of the insensitive political bashing that normally occurs. Fun!