Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Rest in peace Deborah J. Bielawski

The staff of The Bolingbrook Babbler offers their condolences to the family and friends of Deborah J. Bielawski, a member of the Valley View School District Board. Her dedication to the children of district, even after surviving cancer three times and suffering a stroke, will always be appreciated.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction, but my condolences to her family and friends is sincere.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Mayor Roger Claar abducted by aliens!

'I was not probed!' insists Claar

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is free and in good health following Saturday's alien abduction.

According to eyewitnesses, a UFO flew over Claar's home on Saturday morning.

"I was jogging by his house, when I noticed that things around me were moving very slowly." Said Joan, a neighbor.

According to Joan, the UFO emitted a beam of light. Claar, wearing a full jogging suit, floated through the roof and towards the saucer.

"He shook his fist at the saucer and yelled, 'don't you know who I am? I'm the mayor of Bolingbrook!' Then I saw three Men in Blue running towards the house. They were screaming 'no', but it sounded distorted. . It was like watching video in super slow-mo."

Other witnesses said the UFO tried to flee the area, but was stopped.

"It's like the thing hit an invisible wall in the sky." Said Jack, another neighbor. "The front end was so smashed in, that I wondered how it could stay up in the sky."

Sources within the Bolingbrook's Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs believe that the aliens managed to secure the access code to get past the aerial force field that protects Claar's home. The aliens, however, only had the entrance code.

"They apparently didn't realize that they also needed the exit code in order to leave the force field." Said Tim C. Matthews, a spokesperson for the department.

During the ten-minute standoff, the Men in Blue managed to reactivate the home's defensive guns, and lock them on the UFO. The Men in Blue then negotiated Claar's release, in exchange, they promised not to kill the aliens after they turned themselves in.

According to sources inside Claar's home, once Claar reappeared in his home, he immediately pressed the red button on his desk, firing the guns, and destroying the UFO.

"I don't care what you told them." Claar said. "No one does that to me, and lives!"

Claar continued his outburst for several minutes.

"Heads will roll because of this!" Yelled Claar. "If I have to purge every Man in Blue to get justice, I will!" He then added, "By the way, I was not probed! Don’t you forget that!"

Abduction experts who spoke to The Babbler agreed that Claar probably wasn't probed during the stand-off.

"They haven't used anal probes since the 1960s." Said Charlie X. Miller PhD ABD. "Instead they use highly advanced CAT scans that can see down to the molecular level. Then if they need to take a tissue sample, they can use a transporter to get what they need. So he might have been scanned, but he probably wasn't probed."

Bolingbrook is one of three communities in Illinois where alien abductions are legal. Aliens who want to abduct Bolingbrook residents must pay an abduction tax first and avoid restricted neighborhoods. Critics claim that the Village Government uses the plan to protect the subdivisions of some elected officials, and that some subdivisions, like Beacon Ridge, have a disproportionate number of abductions. Supporters say that aliens abduction will happen no matter what the village does, so it is best to collect taxes from the aliens, and regulate the abduction process.

With Bolingbrook's declining population, and the recent increase in the abduction tax, many UFO crews are tempted to go into the restricted neighborhoods in order get enough abductees to make a profit. Which may have led this crew to try to abduct Claar.

Matthews disagrees. "We are treating this like a politically motivated kidnapping, not a unauthorized abduction."

Sources at Clow UFO base say that 100 aliens have been detained for questioning. They have not been charged with a crime, but will be detained until "they tell us what we want to hear."

In an unusual move, Bolingbrook deported 5 homeless men to Chicago. Officials claim they were not former Men in Blue agents.

"We just figured they would fare better under Cook County's welfare system than they would under our pro-business government." Said an anonymous source. "Besides, having dead people in the gutters is a big turn off to potential businesses."

When asked for comment, Claar denied that he was abducted.

"I got dragged out of the shower for this?" Claar yelled. "Look, the only probing I've experienced this week is from your probing questions!"

Also in The Babbler:
Alien singer a hit at Bolingbrook Restaurant event
Downer's Grove official: Downers Grove is not like Cuba!
Naperville George Pradel tells PETA, 'I will not ban house pets from Naperville!'
Lisle man hospitalized after inhaling CO2 to protest 'global warming hoax'

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Can the restaurant event save Bolingbrook?

By Reporter X

Sources within Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce hope Saturday's Restaurant and Catering Event will save Bolingbrook's budget.

"It's the least we can do for the Village." Said Tim, not his real name. "Roger gave us space in his special community center. Heck, even the Jaycees can't get an office there. Since Roger's been so good to us, we thought we should return the favor."

Bolingbrook charges an additional 1.5% sales tax for restaurant purchases. Our anonymous sources hope that the event will entice residents and visitors to eat in Bolingbrook more often.

"Bolingbrook features many trendy national chains, plus Nancy's!" Said John, another source.

The chamber is also making accommodations for Bolingbrook's resident space alien population.

"Clow UFO Base restricts the number of deliveries because people might wonder why the airport staff is ordering enough food for a thousand people." Said Tim. "So we've rented out several spots where the aliens' orders can be delivered without raising suspicion. Then our volunteers take the meals to Clow. Sure some aliens can go to the restaurants, but there are many that can't, but would still love to consume our local cuisine. We feel like we're opening up a new consumer base for Bolingbrook."

Our sources say that they hope they can increase restaurant revenue enough to make up for the lost retail tax revenue. Then they hope that the vibrant restaurants will attract new retail stores into Bolingbrook.

Mayor Roger Claar fully supports the short-term goal of the Restaurant and Catering Event.

"If we can't shop our way out of this budget short-fall, then we'll eat our way out!"

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The readers speak out: July 2009

Reader's Editor Doug Fields here. Let's start off with some old business. It's been two month's since we issued the $5 challenge to The Skeptics Guide to the Universe. All they have to do is debunk The Babbler on their podcast, and we'll give them $5. We've heard nothing back from them. This is money that could have gone towards their little movie, or towards the big surprise at last weekend's TAM. Do they just not need the money, or are they simply unable to debunk The Babbler? To paraphrase Mayor Roger Claar, make of it what you will.

On to your letters. This reader had a sudden epiphany about marriage.
To The Babbler:

Last weekend, I realized that we needed to be more skeptical of marriage. Marriage is about ownership of a woman. It's totally irrational for a man to claim ownership of a woman's sexuality. Women should be free to express their sexuality, and they should reject society's idea of "attractive!"
Younger women can learn a lot from overweight middle-aged men! Don't let most people tell you otherwise. Most people believe there's an old guy in the sky watching over them. Don't be a sheeple!

Ben Peckerman
West Chicago

Let me guess. You came to this realization after you learned about the marriage of Skepchick Rebecca Watson to Sid Rodrigues?

Brian from Aurora apparently has issues with Lisle, IL.
To The Babbler:

The people of Lisle are so stupid; they can't even pronounce the name of their village. It's not "Lyle," its "Listle" as in whistle! That's how it's spelled, and that's how you should pronounce it! And people attack Aurora's schools? This is unfair! If it weren't for Benedictine University, Lisle would be the stupid capital of Chicagoland!

Brian Watanabe
Aurora, IL

I wouldn't be so hard on the residents of Lisle. Lisle is really controlled by their trees, and they ordered the residents to use the current spelling and pronunciation of Lisle. I'm sure if it were up to the residents, they would spell it Lyle.

You're welcome to take your issue to the trees, but they don't take too kindly to criticism of their decisions. Also, do you really want to find out first hand how deadly their human-tree hybrid assassins are?

Now I normally don't include comments from the web site, but this one is worthy of my section:
To The Babbler:

Also, is the Clow UFO base gearing up to celebrate Apollo 11's 40th anniversary? Have some parties already begun? 

A friend of mine a little bit north of Miami told me about some visitors that have surfaced too close to a number of vessels in The Bermuda Triangle. Even at altitude, the crafts appear to be unsteady. Can you confirm this? 

My personal opinion has always been that all visitors from other systems should not be permitted to go "off-road". They need to stay at Clow because most people aren't ready for them yet.

To answer your first question, the aliens at Clow won't be celebrating the Apollo 11 landing. After all, they can travel between the stars within day or weeks. A trip to our moon is no big deal.

However, many politicians, local, state, and national, will depart from Clow on July 20th, to visit the Apollo landing site. Don't worry, because the footprints and the Lander are protected by force fields.

As for your other questions, you might want to talk to The Weekly World News. We mainly cover the Chicago area.

Finally, we've received a lot of letters about the conflict between Roger Claar and Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook. None of them are printable. If you have to call Roger Claar an ugly crook or call Bonnie Alicea a fat liar, go to the Topix web site. We're run a serious publication here.

Also in The Babbler:

Russians test anti-global warming device on Bolingbrook
Area psychics predict booming business
Beware of the Bolingbrook Octagon?
Wire fighter opens dojo in Warrenville
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 7/25/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Chicago area dead rally for grave protection

Outraged that workers at Burr Oak Cemetery in Alsip dug up graves, dumped the bodies in a mass grave, and resold the plots, hundreds of Chicago area dead returned from the afterlife to stage protests. Authorities estimate there were about 21 such protests in and around Chicago.

Trevor Washington, who's body was dumped into a mass gave, spoke at the Cicero protest in ghost form.

"All my life I had to deal with racism and disrespect!" Said Washington. "I was denied a proper education, called (Expletive Deleted) and other terrible names. I was constantly turned away from well paying jobs because of the color of my skin. I was denied the right to vote. I was denied the right to use any Men's room. Now I had many happy moments, but after I died, I thought that I could finally find peace. Instead, my body was vandalized by a bunch of ghouls! Even in death, I can't get the respect I deserve!"

While zombies rallied outside of Chicago's city hall, Mayor Daly met with his father, and several other representatives of Chicago's afterlife political machine. After the meeting, Daly made the following comment to The Babbler: "Chicago has always respected the dead. For the longest time we were the only city that recognized their right to vote. What happened in Alsip is an abomination. I have ordered the Chicago police department to kill anyone they catch harming any human remains. Then these criminals will have to face the wrath of my father!"

In Lisle, 30 corpses rose from their graves and demanded Mayor Broda's presence. Thirty minutes into their rally, Trustee Kim Brondyke arrived, wearing running shoes and a running outfit. She apologized for Broda, saying that he was inspecting Lisle's new bunker with several SWAT officers, and couldn't attend the rally. She continued by saying that the Village of Lisle owns the cemetery, and is committed to protecting its residents.

"No matter how desperate we may be for money, or how tempting the offers from developers might be, we will never sell out our deceased residents!" She said before vomiting at the sight of rotting corpses. She continued, "Excuse me. We are all proud to be residents of Lisle, and we want our bodies to remain here after we pass on. What happened in Alsip was an outrage, and the Village of Lisle will do everything in its power to make sure that such a crime ever happens here!"

Brondyke asked the zombies to return to their graves because they were scaring the living residents. She then sprinted away from cemetery.

Sources in the Lisle government say she was chosen to speak to the corpses because of her extensive marathon experience. Broda felt that she had the best chance of running away should zombies try to attack her.

In Bolingbrook, 15 zombies marched from Broadman Cemetery to Mayor Roger Claar's home. Twenty police officers, and 10 Men in Blue met the undead protesters in front of Claar's house.

Neighbors claim to have heard Claar talking to someone one the phone.

"I've donated thousands of dollars to your church and now you tell me you can't turn the undead?" Some clam Claar shouted. "What kind of cleric are you?"

A few minutes later, Claar opened a second story window and addressed the zombies.

"Bonnie is my worst political enemy, and even she won't call me an opportunist grave robber! If she doesn't think I would harm your graves, then why should you? If you want to insure that I will never be tempted to sell you out, tell your survivors to donate to my campaign fund! Now go back to your graves. You guys are scaring my family!"

According to authorities, all of Chicago's dead were back in their graves as of 12:01 AM on Sunday.

Also in The Babbler:

Two ghost calico cats spotted at Morton Arboretum
Illinois male skeptic attempts to debunk Rebecca Watson's Vegas wedding
Ireland threatens to prosecute "friendly" Naperville teacher for blaspheme
Heads explode as Weekly Reporter praises Bolingbrook Mayor Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/20/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Bonnie TV? BCT Producer to pitch TV series to Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook

Could Bonnie Alicea and Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook have their own program on Bolingbrook Community Television? A new BCT community producer hopes so.

"I moved here from a community that had a very active public access channel." Said Ronnie D. Lovingood. "So I was surprised to see hardly any political shows on BCT. In my old town, there used to be programs arguing for and against the city government. Here, you just see church services, and village meetings. Where are the people's voices? I wanted to change that."

When Lovingood heard about Alicea and CBB, he decided he wanted to help them. Instead of going to one of their meetings, he decided to make a test tape for a CBB TV series.

"Most new people at a meeting are pretty quiet. Not me. I want to make a big impression when I approach Bonnie!"

Lovingood shared some footage with The Babbler, and offered his own commentary.

"Roger Claar has limited public comments to three minutes per person. Instead of creating a scene at board meetings, they can use my series to talk at length."

In a scene from the video, a woman portraying Alicea is delivering a lecture.

Alicea Impersonator: What? We're almost out of time? Wow, that went by fast. I want to thank my viewers for spending the past two hours with me. This has been part one of my six-part lecture on how Roger is violating the Open Meetings Act.

The show isn't limited to in-studio lectures.

"I used this scene to show the dramatic possibilities of the ambush interview. Everyone in Bolingbrook will tune in to see confrontations like this."

The cameraman runs up to a woman in a business suit who is standing outside of a home. The cameraman holds up two pieces of paper to her face.

Cameraman: Village Clerk Carol Penning! We have documented proof that you change your signature every time you sign something. You threw Bonnie off the ballet for doing the same thing! How do you respond?

Penning Impersonator: (Cries) I am a failure as a human being! (Runs into her home crying.)

Besides interviews, Lovingood also plans to include re-enactments of unreported crimes in Bolingbrook.

"This will be a great way to include ways members of the group in the show. Plus the audience will tune in for the drama!"

The images shake as the cameraperson runs towards something. A caption at the bottom of the screen says this is a re-enactment.

Alicea Impersonator: Look! There's someone selling guns from the trunk of his car! Let's interview him!

The cameraperson runs towards a man looking into the trunk of a car. Could he be holding something in his arms?

Alicea Impersonator: Sir, why are you selling guns in Bolingbrook?

The cameraperson gets closer. The image stabilizes. The man does not acknowledge them.

Alicea Impersonator: I am a spokesperson for Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook and I demand an answer!"

The man turns around. He is middle-aged and wearing a blue Cubs windbreaker. He is also holding a laptop in his arms. He pauses, and then presses some buttons on the laptop. He pauses again.

Robert Bowen Impersonator: I am a gang-banger. I can make a comfortable living in Bolingbrook because Roger--

He taps the keypad a few times.

Bowen Impersonator: --Claar will not enforce paragraph 9 section seven of the—

In addition to using members of CBB, Lovingood also envisions recruiting other talent from across the Chicago area.

"Some people say that Bonnie isn't telegenic. I don't agree, but that's beside the point. There are hundreds of young aspiring actresses and models that we can bring on the program."

Lovingood explained how bringing in younger hosts could help CBB reach a new generation of supporters.

"Because they refer to anything written on the Internet as a blog, they've really lost credibility with the younger generation. I mean, what would you think of someone who couldn't tell the difference between a post-it note, a pamphlet, and a hardcover book? By bringing in young people, and speaking in their language, we can create a new generation of Claar critics!

Two women in their early twenties, wearing business attire with short business skirts, are sitting in a studio.

Woman One: Do you know that Roger doesn't have a Facebook, a Myspace, or a Twitter account?

Woman Two: Wow! Roger is really disconnected from the rest of the world!

Woman One: What's more, Roger says that if you want to chat with him, you have to call him to arrange a meeting either in his office, at his home, or at your home.

Woman Two: That sounds kind of creepy.

Woman One: Oh I'm sure Roger is not that kind of guy. But it does show how he clings to old-fashioned means of communication.

Woman Two: Yeah, like how my grandparents insist that vinyl records have the best sound quality. Even with all that hissing and popping, I can't convince them that MP3s sound better.

Woman One: Some people just cling to old things, no matter what. Which brings us to the subject of the Village Trustees!

Lovingood insists that program doesn't have to be all attacks.

"I'm sure we could bring in musical guests who could use the exposure. Just like I did for this scene."

A band is playing a song with a Bo Diddley beat.

Lead Singer: (Sings) Roger Claar sucks! (Plays the guitar.) Roger Claar sucks! (Speaks) Everyone join me on stage.

The Alicea Impersonator and the Bowen Impersonator, holding his keyboard, dance on to stage.

All: Roger Claar sucks!

Alicea Impersonator: We're going to get you Roger!

All: Roger Claar sucks!

Bowen Impersonator: You're in violation of Code 16, Section 16 Paragraph---

The Rest: Roger Claar sucks!

"I can't wait to show this to the group!" Said Lovingood, beaming with pride.

When asked about broadcasting a show like one presented to The Babbler, a spokesperson for BCT sounded skeptical. "He's certainly welcome to submit his series, but our regulations clearly state that the village can control the content of our programming. So I kind of doubt that Roger would approve of this kind of program."

When asked how a mayor could control the content of a public access channel, she replied, "You haven't lived in Bolingbrook very long, have you?"

When asked to comment, Alicea said she had never heard of Lovingood, and wouldn't comment until she had seen the video. Then she attacked The Babbler.

"The Bolingbrook Babbler was founded by Roger Claar to discredit anyone who opposes him. And I will keep filing FOIA requests until he confesses! Then I will persecute him! I mean prosecute him!"

When The Babbler attempted to reach Claar, his wife Pat said that he was in the middle of meeting with an image consultant and couldn't be disturbed.

In the background, this reporter heard Claar say, "I don't care how dramatic it would look, I am not walking into the next village board meeting with a cross tied to my back!"

Also in The Babbler:

Cloud monsters ground balloons Eyes to the Skies Festival
Fireworks spook werewolves in Downers Grove
Mayor Claar's daughter denies she moving to Mars
Skepchick's husband saves world from flesh eating bacteria
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/17/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.