Sunday, June 21, 2009

Christian cage fighting barred from Bolingbrook Village Picnic

For the 15th year in a row, a Christian ministry will not be allowed to stage cage fighting matches at the Bolingbrook Village Picnic. The Civic and Cultural Affairs Commission rejected a last minute appeal from Full Contact Gospel Ministry on Saturday.

"We're disappointed." Said Teacher Lenny Z. Hopson. "But we understand that God punches us in the soul so that we may build up our spiritual fortitude. We'll try again next year."

According to the ministry's filing, they wanted to host a "Test your faith" demonstration on the main stage, in addition to putting up an information booth at the Picnic. Members of the audience would be invited to step into their octagon and challenge a fighter to two rounds of combat.

"What better way to show that faith conquers all, than to prove it through trials of combat? The UFC is full of Christian fighters. We're just taking their lessons and teaching them to Bolingbrook's lost residents."

When their application was initially rejected, one of the reasons listed was that all the blood in the octagon might offend attendees. Hopson laughed when he read it.

"The blood in the octagon is nothing compared to the blood our Lord Jesus Christ shed for our sins!" Said Hobson. "The families of Bolingbrook celebrate his torture, death and resurrection every Sunday, and they're not offended. Why should they be offended if I break someone's arm in the name of our Lord? If I save their soul in the process, then my opponent will feel that it was worth all the pain, and the medical bills!"

At the appeals hearing, sources say that FCGM held a match in the Village Board Meeting Room. The commission watched as one fighter, Michael, fought for five rounds against a different opponent each round. He faced off against a Jewish fighter, a Muslim fighter, a Hindu fighter, a Buddhist fighter, and an atheist fighter. Michael knocked out the Jewish fighter, and then submitted the next three fighters. During the last fight, the atheist managed to pin Michael on his back, and started punching him.

"I can't do it." Screamed Michael as he tried to block the punches. "I'm too tired! He's too strong."

"Don't give up!" One supporter shouted.

"Have faith!" Shouted another.

"Let Jesus take control!"

"Remember your Bible!"

While dodging the atheist's punches, Michael started to speak in tongues, then yelled, "'Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he hungered. 
 And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away. And when the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, how soon is the fig tree withered away! Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, if ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive!' Matthew Chapter 21, Verse 18 through 22 quoting Jesus!"

Michael then used his legs to put in opponent into a headlock, and started repeatedly punching him in the face. The atheist submitted seconds later.

The atheist then said. "I have never encountered such true power before. If I want to become a serious MMA fighter, I will need to turn my life over to the Lord, whom I no longer deny!" The other fighters nodded in agreement.

After the fighters left the room, a source described what happened next.

"For about a minute, the commission sat there in stunned silence. Then someone finally said, 'Who wants to tell Roger that Christian cage fighting would be a great addition to the Village Picnic?' No one answered, and the chair denied the appeal. I must say those fighters took it well, and even cleaned up all the blood in the board room."

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar said he agreed with the decision. "This is The Village Picnic, not The Village Crusade. Religious violence has no place at this event." Claar then explained that this was the most important picnic in the village's history, and that there was no room for something as controversial as cage fighting.

"If we can entice enough visitors to go shopping in Bolingbrook after the picnic, we can erase our budget shortfall. Then I can finally tell Bonnie to shut up!"

Also in The Babbler:
Former Bolingbrook Mayor's daughter accepts position at Seattle's UFO base
Thor attacks Chicago
Lisle trees approve new downtown
Downers Grove refuses to change name to Effexor Grove
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/25/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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