Sunday, June 28, 2009

Deadly extraterrestrial fireworks find their way to Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

Tim, not his real name, normally buys his fireworks in Indiana. This year, due to the economy, he couldn't afford to make the trip. He thought he wouldn't have his own early fireworks show, but a stranger offered to sell him some fireworks.

"They were very cheap." Said Tim. "When he said that the launchers were optional, I thought the price was pretty reasonable." Tim bought three, and called his friends for a night of illegal fireworks.

After setting off their old stash of fireworks, Tim pulled out the first of his new fireworks.

"I was kind of drunk, and I thought we could just light the fuse. But instead it had a button and timer. The timer was written in some odd language. I had some English instructions in the car. So I walked back. As I did, my friend David said all we had to do was push the button and then throw the thing. I laughed, because I thought he was kidding."

According to Tim, he heard a faint scream. He turned around and saw a dull red glow. A second or so later, it turned into small flash of white light. As Tim ran towards his friends, he felt a strange taste in his mouth. He could hear his friends scream. When he reached the campsite, he saw a pile of human spaghetti where David once stood. His other friends were dead.

"I started to vomit. At first I thought I was disgusted at seeing what happened to my friends. But then I couldn't stop. I thought I was going to die."

A short time later, a blue helicopter landed next to him. Several men, wearing blue protective suits scrambled out and started spraying the area with foam.

"One of the came up to me and asked me where I got the gamma bomb. I tried to answer, but I was dry heaving. One of the men held up my new fireworks. Then they asked me where I got the micro-black holes. I thought I was crazy."

Though Tim's friends were dead, Tim was rushed to Clow UFO base and treated for Gamma Radiation exposure. The doctors explained his fireworks, called Hawking Bombs by humans, are actually devices that compress matter into singularities. These little black holes then evaporate, releasing extreme amounts of gamma radiation. The aliens who make Hawking Bombs can see gamma radiation, and are immune to it.

Tim was lucky, but Bolingbrook's Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs is warning all residents not to buy any unusual black market fireworks.

"Hawking Bombs, Quantum Tangiers, Dark Energy Sparklers, or any other odd terms." Said Joe Smyth, spokesperson for the department. "Don’t buy them! They're not meant for humans, or even to be used on this planet."

While aliens have sold their fireworks in the past, the galactic depression has tempted more of them to risk death by selling these fireworks. Last year, alien fireworks killed two people. This year there have already been 10 deaths, and Bolingbrook officials fear more deaths over the holiday weekend.

Three of those deaths occurred in the Beaconridge subdivision. According to Doug, not his real name saw a family playing in their backyard. The father placed a ring on the ground.

"A jet of gas or plasma came out of the ring. That poor family didn't stand a chance."

Doug said the gas then took on a humanoid form.

"It screamed 'Cold!' and started setting the house on fire! I thought it was going to take out the entire subdivision."

Instead, two blue fire trucks arrived, and sprayed the creature with a cold gas. This gas repulsed the creature. The Men in Blue managed to drive the creature back to the ring, where it climbed back through the portal it came from.

"They started rebuilding the home, and I ran away before they could hit me with their memory altering slaps."

Experts consulted by The Babbler believe the family activated a Sunburster, which open a wormhole near the Sun. A sun creature then entered our world through the wormhole.

Village officials urge all residents to watch the Village fireworks display on July 4th, instead of buying alien fireworks.

Also in The Babbler:
Bolingbrook issues bored teenager advisory
Michael Jackson's ghost spotted at Taste of Chicago
Zombies march for equal rights in Chicago
Lisle Village Board approves Civil War POW rescue mission
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/2/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Christian cage fighting barred from Bolingbrook Village Picnic

For the 15th year in a row, a Christian ministry will not be allowed to stage cage fighting matches at the Bolingbrook Village Picnic. The Civic and Cultural Affairs Commission rejected a last minute appeal from Full Contact Gospel Ministry on Saturday.

"We're disappointed." Said Teacher Lenny Z. Hopson. "But we understand that God punches us in the soul so that we may build up our spiritual fortitude. We'll try again next year."

According to the ministry's filing, they wanted to host a "Test your faith" demonstration on the main stage, in addition to putting up an information booth at the Picnic. Members of the audience would be invited to step into their octagon and challenge a fighter to two rounds of combat.

"What better way to show that faith conquers all, than to prove it through trials of combat? The UFC is full of Christian fighters. We're just taking their lessons and teaching them to Bolingbrook's lost residents."

When their application was initially rejected, one of the reasons listed was that all the blood in the octagon might offend attendees. Hopson laughed when he read it.

"The blood in the octagon is nothing compared to the blood our Lord Jesus Christ shed for our sins!" Said Hobson. "The families of Bolingbrook celebrate his torture, death and resurrection every Sunday, and they're not offended. Why should they be offended if I break someone's arm in the name of our Lord? If I save their soul in the process, then my opponent will feel that it was worth all the pain, and the medical bills!"

At the appeals hearing, sources say that FCGM held a match in the Village Board Meeting Room. The commission watched as one fighter, Michael, fought for five rounds against a different opponent each round. He faced off against a Jewish fighter, a Muslim fighter, a Hindu fighter, a Buddhist fighter, and an atheist fighter. Michael knocked out the Jewish fighter, and then submitted the next three fighters. During the last fight, the atheist managed to pin Michael on his back, and started punching him.

"I can't do it." Screamed Michael as he tried to block the punches. "I'm too tired! He's too strong."

"Don't give up!" One supporter shouted.

"Have faith!" Shouted another.

"Let Jesus take control!"

"Remember your Bible!"

While dodging the atheist's punches, Michael started to speak in tongues, then yelled, "'Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he hungered. 
 And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away. And when the disciples saw it, they marveled, saying, how soon is the fig tree withered away! Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, if ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive!' Matthew Chapter 21, Verse 18 through 22 quoting Jesus!"

Michael then used his legs to put in opponent into a headlock, and started repeatedly punching him in the face. The atheist submitted seconds later.

The atheist then said. "I have never encountered such true power before. If I want to become a serious MMA fighter, I will need to turn my life over to the Lord, whom I no longer deny!" The other fighters nodded in agreement.

After the fighters left the room, a source described what happened next.

"For about a minute, the commission sat there in stunned silence. Then someone finally said, 'Who wants to tell Roger that Christian cage fighting would be a great addition to the Village Picnic?' No one answered, and the chair denied the appeal. I must say those fighters took it well, and even cleaned up all the blood in the board room."

When asked to comment, Mayor Roger Claar said he agreed with the decision. "This is The Village Picnic, not The Village Crusade. Religious violence has no place at this event." Claar then explained that this was the most important picnic in the village's history, and that there was no room for something as controversial as cage fighting.

"If we can entice enough visitors to go shopping in Bolingbrook after the picnic, we can erase our budget shortfall. Then I can finally tell Bonnie to shut up!"

Also in The Babbler:
Former Bolingbrook Mayor's daughter accepts position at Seattle's UFO base
Thor attacks Chicago
Lisle trees approve new downtown
Downers Grove refuses to change name to Effexor Grove
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/25/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

More graduates and students turn to Clow UFO base

By Reporter X

Once feared by Bolingbrook's teens, the economy is now forcing them to consider internships at Clow UFO base.

Clow recruiters have received a record number of applications for their teen and pre-college programs. Even though summer vacation has started, there is still a backlog of 200 applicants.

One of them is Daryl T Stevens. "My dad told me to get a job, but there are no jobs out there. I'm competing with adults. It's not fair. I hope they take me in at Clow. I'd rather have alien parasites in me, than be punished by my dad every day I'm unemployed."

Recent graduate Tim is hoping to be selected as a test passenger on a relativistic sub-luminal ship.

"To me, it will only seem like I'll be in space for a weekend. But on Earth, three months would have passed by. It will stink, but my parents will save money for college by not having to feed me during that time. But I'm told that the aliens can give me fake memory of my summer vacation."

Donnie Livingston is one of the lucky few to get a Clow internship.

"They have me working in the kitchen. I help out with the live dishes. It didn't think it would be that bad, until I was attacked by the Pollex Bone Spiders. Boy those things can bite. Still, it's better than being unemployed."

John K. Lai, of the Bolingbrook Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs, is pleased with the candidates. "Not to long ago, we used to have to kidnap teens for our internships. Now they're begging to be let in. I'm sorry for the hardships are residents are facing, but it is good for us."

Also in The Babbler:

Roger Claar crop circle spotted in Britain
Aliens vote Nancy's best pizza in Bolingbrook
Contrail illness cases drop in Bolingbrook
Lisle trees approve new village board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/19/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Two years and still going!

By Chris Olson, Publisher.

One day before The Bolingbrook Babbler celebrated two-year anniversary of the re-launch of our web site, held a meeting in Chicago. We don't know what they were planning, but we do know that any plans were lost in a haze of booze and Tang.

I bring up this meeting because some residents have asked me why we maintain a web page. Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook and The Weekly Reporter investigate Roger Claar on their web sites. The local papers cover rest of the news on their sites. Why do we need The Babbler?

I now ask them, if we aren't relevant, why are the skeptics from around the country so frightened of us? Their first gathering may have failed, but there will be others! And they will not stop.

We cover the truth, no matter where it leads. The other web sites promote the skeptical agenda of portraying Bolingbrook as an ordinary suburb. A land of strip-malls and oversized campaign funds.

We know better. We know about Clow UFO Base, the largest urban UFO base in North America. We weren't afraid to cover Bolingbrook's illegal space alien problem. We were there when local churches tried to buy back the soul of the Friendly Atheist. In short, we cover the stories the other sites won't cover.

And as we enter our 44th year, we will keep covering uncovering the truth about Bolingbrook. Bonnie may be forced out of Bolingbrook. The "local" papers may go out of business, but The Babbler abides! Our first issue appeared minutes after Bolingbrook was incorporated. And we will keep publishing until Illinois disbands Bolingbrook!
No other publication can make that claim.

To kick off the third year of our web site, I am going to reaffirm a challenge to the greatest skeptic podcast. Last month, Doug Fields, The Reader's Editor, challenged the Skeptics Guide to the Universe to debunk The Babbler on their podcast for $5. They haven't replied. Skepchick, run by famed skeptic Rebecca Watson, has mentioned us. Now it is time for the rest of the "Rouges" to get into the act. To get the $5, you guys must debunk The Babbler on your podcast.

You've debunked the Denver UFO video and this summer's crop circle explosion for free. Would it really cost you more than $5 to debunk our simple little publication?

While you guys ponder our $5 challenge, we'll keep exposing the real truth about Bolingbrook.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Theater critic pans 6/9/09 Bolingbrook Village Board Meeting

Fooled into thinking that he was watching a play, a theater critic trashed Bolingbrook's 6/9/09 Board meeting.

"This play is pretentious!" Said online critic Shakesphere. "No, it's worse than pretentious. There is no word for the idiotic arrogance I saw those players try to stage. Note I said players, not actors!"

The Babbler obtained exclusive excerpts from Shakesphere's review, which was intended for Ain't It Cool News' theater section. Shakesphere believed that he was reviewing a free play called "Village of the Bored" produced by The Performance Art League of Bolingbrook.

The Performance Art League of Bolingbrook is unknown group or individual that sends out press releases about ordinary events and tries to add an artistic spin to them. In 1985, the league tried to turn Mayor Bob Bailey's swearing in ceremony into "An ode to the 1970s!" No one knows if they are "re-appropriating" everyday experiences into artistic works, or if it is just a college prank that have gone on for way too long. Though the PALOB has sent out press releases since 1983, Shakesphere is the first critic to actually review one of their "events."

Shakesphere believed that the "play" involved audience participation. So he was very upset with Mayor Claar's new rules for comments from the public. Especially the rule that questions submitted during the meeting would be answered at the next meeting, and could only be addressed to the Mayor. The Mayor has the option to allow a trustee to answer a question.

"Two weeks to come up with lines for a question?" Asked Shakesphere. "This is the Chicago area. You can't sneeze without hitting someone who has had improv training! Even Naperville has an improv school! There are thousands of out-of-work improv actors, and these guys have two gigs a month? Epic fail on all levels!"

Shakesphere also took offense when the board recognized Flag Day, and had military personnel speak during the meeting.

"It's as if they were trying to say that it is Un-American to hate this play." Wrote Shakesphere. "I'm sorry, but extreme patriotism in the defense of bad art is a vice. That is so 2003, so I guess that makes the author of this play 2000 and late!"

He did say that Claar might have a future on the stage, but still needed a lot of work. "His expressions range from pompous to (expletive deleted)-off. I don't know if it was due to the way this mayor character was written, or if the player just doesn't have the acting skill to pull off a believable character."

Shakesphere even savaged the set-up of the boardroom.

"I guess the stage was set up to make it appear that the mayor character was cornered, and the world is out to get him. But early on in this so-called production, it is apparent that the mayor is in complete control. The design just crams most of the action into stage right. Ninety-five percent of the stage is wasted with obviously bored players who are reading off the script!"

He was also, to put it mildly, disappointed with interaction between Claar and the members of Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook.

"They asked some questions with some good dramatic potential, but due to the players lack of skills, we won't hear the answers for two weeks! There was some drama when a woman and the Mayor played He Said, She Said. (Get it?) Come on playwright, you had potential with the whole police subplot. Was she lying? Was the police chief lying? What was really going on? You left us hanging. If you don't know how a subplot will end, don't put in your play!"

The "climax," which Shakesphere interpreted as the confrontation between a spokesperson for CBB and Claar, only angered him.

"This went beyond the players reading their scripts on stage. I was watching the playwright walking on stage with his laptop and trying to re-write the play during the end of the production! Not only that, but he was trying to add lines involving statues or some kind of boring legal language. He invoked the First Amendment, as if to imply that it was unconstitutional to hate this play."

Claar told the speaker to leave the stage after his three minutes were up. In the review, Shakesphere wanted some kind of dramatic resolution. Instead the man returned to his seat, a few minutes later walked back to the microphone to complete his speech, and was told by Claar that he couldn't. After threatening to complain to Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan, he sat down again. Shakesphere's comments about this exchange are unprintable.

Finally Shakesphere concluded, "When the climax of your play hinges on a middle-aged dude getting pwned by an old dude, your play has crossed the event horizon of suck. Now some people say I should be more open-minded, and look at this as some kind of dramatic experiment. Nonsense. This play is nothing more than a Gen X whine that is as sloppily put together as their Xeroxed zines, their grunge bands, and their plaid wardrobes. They confused crap for creativity, (Expletive deleted) for sophistication, (Expletive deleted) for progress, and then wonder why they screwed up the world, and we had to elect Barack Obama to set things right! I didn't pay anything for this play, and I still want my money back. And if the playwright is reading this, make of that what you will!"

When asked for comment, the village trustees stated that Claar must clear all Babbler interviews.

Claar laughed when we told him about the review. "I would be happy to compare my campaign fund with his campaign fund."

No one from Citizens for a Better Bolingbrook could be reached for comment.

As for the review itself, it is very unlikely to appear on Ain't it Cool News.

"Unless it has aliens, superheroes, monsters, or Samuel L Jackson, we won't post about it." Said a spokesperson for the site.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Council of Bolingbrook to debate the 'Christopher Hitchens Trinity'

Dozens of followers of Christopher Hitchens, author of God is Not Great, will gather for the "Council of Bolingbrook," sponsored by The Church of Christopher Hitchens.

"We're not going to cop out with a trinity solution." Said Grand Publisher Dennis X Silverton, leader of the CCH. "We're going to decide which aspect, Booze, Tobacco, or Writing, should be the most important tenant of our church!"

The Council, meeting at Bolingbrook's SpringHill Suites, will start their debates on Monday, and hope to reach a resolution by Friday. Followers from around the world plan to vigorously argue for their aspect to be accepted as the central teaching of the church.

"His miraculous consumption of alcohol makes Booze the obvious choice." Said Donna Tisdale, of London, England. "That he has not succumbed to alcohol poisoning is proof of his enlightened nature. Anyone can smoke, and anyone can write words, but his rendering of poison into water emphasizes his wisdom! Praise be unto the Booze!"

"Smoke is proof of his ultimate sacrifice!" Countered Brian L. Peters of New York City. "For he risked his heath so that we could free from the forces of government oppression, and when his followers were content to smoke, he quit. Thus liberating us from the grip of the tobacco industry. Through his contradictory sacrifices, he has shown us the path to enlightenment! Smoke or don't smoke. He approves!"

"All the other traits are but minor aspects of his literary enlightenment." Exclaimed David K. Alberts of Columbia, MO. "His word offends both the Left and The Right. He is transcendent!"

Alberts also cited Hitchens' support for the invasion of Iraq. "While others wavered in their support for the Iraq war, Hitchens has remained firm. He did not need to see Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction to know of the existence." Alberts added, "Sure he attacked Cindy Sheehan for being anti-Jewish. Then years later he attacked Judaism in God is Not Great. But she opposed the war, and Hitchens supported it. Anyone who doesn't understand the difference needs to be educated! Praise be unto the word of Hitchens!"

The Bolingbrook chapter of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti monster will stage protests outside the meetings.

"We've been trying to build an alternative church in Bolingbrook for years, and these guys just waltz in with their silly convention and try to drive us out of business." Said Susan Z. Wakefield of Bolingbrook. "Why do they want to worship a washed-up misogynist? He says women aren't funny. Hello? Have you heard of Kathy Griffin, Whoppi Goldberg, or Sarah Haskins? How can anyone take him seriously?"

Wakefiled says her church offers a positive alternative. "We believe that the Flying Spaghetti monster created us, and as his noodly appendages touch all of us, we become connected to each other. Ramen!"

She also believes that her church can help Bolingbrook. "Bolingbrook has had some very hot summers recently. It is a fact that pirates can lower the temperature. Just look at Somalia. So Bolingbrook needs to reject the hatful Church of Christopher Hitchens, and bring in more pirates instead. Yarr!"

Silverton says he originally wanted to open a bar in Bolingbrook. While meeting with Mayor Roger Claar at his home to discuss the business license, Silverton was given an offer.

"Roger said that he was concerned that there were too many bars in Bolingbrook. He said that it was especially bad during a recession. Something about too many people getting drunk. However, if I were to donate money to his campaign fund, he said he might be able to make an exception for me."

Silverton said he refused, because he didn't want to take a side in local politics.

"Claar then said, 'I can't understand why someone wouldn't want to donate to my campaign fund. I use it to help people. But for people like you, I have a foundation that you might want to donate to instead.' He explained it to me. I told him that I'm sure they did good work, but as an atheist, I didn't feel comfortable giving money to a faith based organization."

According to Silverton, Claar said that he would have to weigh his responsibility to the village when considering the license request.

Said Silverton. "I suppose most residents would either give Roger money, or complain to Bonnie. But I didn't want to be pushed around by Roger. So I turned to Roger and said 'you don't scare me Roger. If you won't give me a license, I'll start a church instead, and you can't stop me. The First Amendment says so!' When he asked what kind of church, the first thing that came to my mind was Christopher Hitchens.  I could have said Hemant Metha but he lacks name recognition."

Roger was surprised, according to Silverton. Then he said he needed to consult the "family theologian." Claar then leaned out the door and asked if atheism was a religion."

"Whatever works for you dad." Came the reply.

"Roger seemed shaken." Said Silverton. "I was too. I just stood up to Roger Claar. I thought he was going to yell at me or worse. Then he said that a church has to stand for something. If I could come up with one principle for the church, he wouldn't try to stop me. And not believing in God didn't count. I also had to give him free sacramental drinks every week."

Silverton then went to the Internet for ideas.

"I wasn't that serious, but then things kind of got out of hand, and now I'm hosting an international convention of Christopher Hitchens fanatics. It could be worse."

After the council, he hopes to open the church in the next three months.

In a phone interview, Claar denied ever meeting with Silverton let alone asking him for a donation. As for the council, Claar said that while he doesn't support Hitchens, his followers are welcome in the village.

"I urge consumers of all faiths and creeds to come to Bolingbrook and shop us out of our budget crisis."

Claar then struggled to explain his differences with Hitchens. This reporter then heard his daughter say, "Dad, you should let me handle the apologetics."

"Young lady, I'm not apologizing for anything!" Claar replied.

When reached for comment, Hitchens chuckled, and said he would grant an interview if The Babbler would pay his bar tab. When it was apparent that the tab would cost more than The Babbler's print budget, this reporter declined.

Also in The Babbler
Observers shocked as Rachel Rosenthal dates normal guy
Face of Claar reappears on Mars
Virgin Mary appears in Chicago: "Cubs won't win World Series this year"
Super storms threaten Chicago this week
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/10/09

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.